Paris Hilton

The Hollywood home shared by celebrity socialites Paris and Nicky Hilton has been burgled, police say, adding that jewellery, watches and a laptop were stolen. [read]

I think that if I was going to rob Paris Hilton, I'd leave all the jewelry and laptops and go straight for the underwear. I'm sure that stuff would go for a lot more than some boring old computer. Can you imagine how much money lonely computer nerds would be willing to pay on eBay for Paris' outfit from her sex video? Actually probably not very much, considering most people aren't really into mantis lingerie.

*update: Turns out Paris Hilton broke into her own house! Well not really, but that would have been funny...in a non-humorous kind of way.

Jessica Simpson

Before you start unzipping your pants, imagining you're the guy on the left, I should probably inform you that that's not the real Jessica Simpson, but a wax figure. I shit you not, my friends. I don't think I've ever been so turned on by a wax figure before in my life. I wonder how much it would cost to get me one of those bad boys. Not that I'd want my very own Jessica Simpson sex doll wax figure, but I'm just, ya know...curious.

Demi Moore

As happy as I am for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's disgusting relationship, I can't help but feel that Demi is slowly losing her mind. I'm normally for fashion statements that involve revealing as much skin as possible, but a dress that doesn't even try to cover up the bra is kind of pushing it. Then again, Demi probably has the greatest 41 year old body in the world, so maybe I'm just a crazy bastard for complaining. Or maybe you're crazy for wanting to have sex with a 41 year old. You sick pervert.

Mandy Moore

Hands down, Mandy Moore has the freshest face in show business. I'm not talking about fresh in that she's new or original or anything, but that she always looks like she just took a shower. It's probably just the way she does her makeup, but she always looks clean. It's even more impressive considering most people look constantly dirty. And by 'most people' I mean Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. That woman needs to discover the magic of residential plumbing.

View Mandy Moore Gallery [at CFDA Fashion Awards 2004]

Anna Nicole Smith

After watching the video of Anna Nicole Smith's "wardrobe malfunction" at the GPhoria event, I take back my previous statements that she was trying to make a lame Janet Jackson type joke. From what I can tell, it looks like she was doing more of a striptease for all the gaming geeks than anything else. Unfortunately, the damn video appears to be in German*, so I'll have to act as translator: "Anna Nicole Smith has huge boobs and these gaming geeks are all super nerds. In other news, Carmen Electra is way hotter than Dave Navarro."

View Video

*edit: I had originally thought it was Dutch, but a reader corrected me. All foreign languages sound like a single crazy language to me.

**update: The video page has been getting absolutely hammered from outside sources so we changed the url. You can view it here if you still haven't seen it.

Natalie Portman

[Natalie Portman] is all set to sizzle on the screen with her role of a pole-dancing stripper in her upcoming flick 'Closer' opposite Jude Law. [read]

As beautiful as Natalie Portman is, I can't really picture her as being hot. Watching her strip on screen would make me more uncomfortable than turned on. She's just one of those girls that you love to look at, but would never want to have sex with.

Wilmer Valderrama

The fact that Wilmer Valderrama actually stops to give money to the homeless earns him a couple of points in my book. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop making fun of him (how could you stop making fun of Fez?), but I've developed a new respect for the guy. Now if only I could figure out how in the name of crap he ended up dating Mandy Moore.

Paris Hilton

I still remember when Guess used to be one of those cheap Target brands. Then one day they decided they wanted more money and completely revamped their corporate image, charging 30x more for the exact same stuff. Aided in part by their infamously hot models, Guess managed to weasel its way into upscale fashion and nobody was the wiser. If you've been into a Guess store recently, then you've no doubt noticed the Paris Hilton ads they have plastered everywhere. These aren't really new, but I figure it's a nice change of pace from the usual bruised and beaten Paris that we've become so accustomed to. Oh, and did you hear that Nick Carter broke into tears after being confronted with the beating allegations? What a sissy.

Joshua

Alright, we get it. You're a freak. There's really no good reason to ever implant strange crap into your forehead, unless it's because you have some sort of bizarre forehead related medical problem. I'm pretty damn sure that this Joshua character has no such medical problem, but is instead just a freaky ass human being. Why anybody would want to transorm themselves into an alien type lizard creature is beyond me, but that's probably because I'm normal and Joshua is a freak. Did I mention that Joshua is a freak? Because he's a damn freak.

View Joshua (somewhat disturbing)

*UPDATE: A reader wrote in explaining that this was actually an April Fool's Joke and that there's an explanation in the source code. I couldn't find the same message they found, but I'll take their word for it, considering the article was published on April 1, 2003.