Rob Thomas is offended

Tob Thomas is denying reports he had sex with Tom Cruise and is even more upset that he's been labelled a fellow Scientologist.

"If I were gay," says Rob, "Tom wouldn't be on the top of my list. It would be Brad Pitt. I'm more offended by the rumours saying I'm Scientologist."

Oh please, like Rob Thomas could even get Brad Pitt. Believe me I've tried, and that guy is impossible to please. I even put on my Axe body spray - only to have weird women start clawing at me and stripping me in public - but did Brad even notice? Nope, he didn't try to fondle my genitals or anything. Then again, I hear he has the flu so he probably just wasn't up for any genital-fondling action.

Scarlett Johansson says no to bras

I could sit here for hours, listing off the reasons why Scarlett Johansson puts every other woman to shame, but I think this quote from Michael Bay pretty much sums it up.

Bay said he was prepared for the usual actress nerves when it came to shooting a love scene between the two leads. "We're ready to go and of course the actress is not there," he told reporters. He said he was summoned to Johansson's trailer, expecting to have to reassure the star of "Lost in Translation" that her privacy and dignity would be protected.

"She's standing there and she says, 'I'm not wearing this cheap ... bra. I'm going naked,' " Bay said. "I said, 'It's PG-13, you have to wear the bra.'" [via CNN]

In case Scarlett happens to be reading this, I'd like to let her know that I'll be directing the NC-17 version of The Island and she's already been cast. The script is pretty much just five hours of having sex with the director, but I think it has a real shot at some Oscars. And unlike that fruit-loop of a man Michael Bay, I sure as crap won't be telling her to keep any bras on. Even if I was making a PG-13 movie, I'd be sure to get as much crazy naked sex on film as I could, and then keep it in storage for a special director's cut or something. And by 'director's cut' I mean my own personal collection of pornography I keep hidden in my closet behind that 2nd place 2005 Hot Dog Eating trophy. Damn you Kobayashi, my day will come!

Brad Pitt has the flu

I don't know why, but The Associated Press is reporting that Brad Pitt checked himself into a Los Angeles hospital due to "flu-like symptoms".

"I think he has the flu," the spokeswoman said.

I wish I was making this up, but this is actually a story that somebody researched and wrote. You know the world is coming to an end when journalists are reporting on whether or not Brad Pitt has the flu. London bombings? Who cares. It's all about Brad Pitt and his flu. I think it would be great if the AP reported that Angelina Jolie also had the flu, and then implied that her and Brad gave it to each other because they were so busy kissing. They could even have diagrams with drawings of Brad and Angelina and little heart shapes surrounding them. That's professional journalism, baby.

Mariah Carey's clothes fall off

According to MTV News, Mariah Carey's dress fell apart during a German TV show and she accidentally flashed her breasts. Floor managers quickly cut the lights so she could put her clothes back on, and Mariah joked, "Someone bring me a jacket or the show's off, we all know how quickly these images can spread around the world." She eventually ran backstage in the dark holding her clothes in place before reappearing and continuing with the show. When asked for comment, Mariah replied, "My abs are real. I didn't draw them on with a crayon."

*Update: I'm not sure if these are actually from the German TV incident - and am even less sure that they're not photoshopped - but they do feature Mariah Carey's huge boobs popping out of her top, so you never know. Thanks to Quixin for the probably unrelated screen capture.

Lindsay Lohan gets felt up by creepy old guy

There's something very disturbing about seeing director Robert Altman feel up Lindsay Lohan's leg during the filming of A Prairie Home Companion. I'm sure it's perfectly innocent, but seeing a 200-year old man in a wheelchair touching Lindsay Lohan like that makes me feel all dirty inside. Which is ironic, because five minutes ago I was masturbating to a picture of a homeless man taking a dump on the sidewalk and I felt pretty great about the whole thing.

Tom Cruise is raising his children crazy

Source - a magazine endorsed by the Church of Scientology - reports that Tom Cruise is raising his two children with Nicole Kidman as Scientologists. Their two adopted kids, 12-year old Isabella and 10-year old Connor, live with Tom for half the year in Beverly Hills where they are allegedly home-schooled by Cruise's Scientologist sisters Cass and Marian. According to the magazine, Isabella has already completed the Basic Study Manual, which is an introductory course in the religion. When asked for comment, Isabella replied, "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."