Paris Hilton is delusional

According to Hello magazine, Paris Hilton wants to host her wedding ceremony in London at St Paul's Cathedral, Westminster Abbey or Windsor Castle, and sees no reason why the royal family shouldn't let her except for the fact that only British royals or heads of state can marry in the historical venues.

"I'm the closest thing to American royalty anyway," she said. Hilton has written to Prince Charles, begging for permission to hold her dream day at one of the venues.

Somebody should explain to Paris that walking around Los Angeles in a tiara doesn't automatically make you royalty. In fact, wearing a fake crown and pretending you're a princess actually makes you the opposite of royalty. And I'm not sure what the opposite of royalty is, but I believe it's something along the lines of a walking vagina shaped like a mantis.

Shannon Elizabeth is single

Shannon Elizabeth filed for divorce from Joseph D. Reitman last Wednesday citing irreconcilable differences. This is pretty much the most not surprising story of the year, considering how much hotter Shannon Elizabeth is than her husband. It would be like me marrying a delicious steak and then one day eating the steak because it was so delicious. Or maybe some other analogy that actually makes sense. The point is, if I suddenly realized my spouse was an ugly sack of potatoes with terrible facial hair I would probably cite irreconcilable differences and then divorce them as well. And then I would laugh in their face for being so ugly and go out with a bunch hot people to make them feel like crap. And just for good measure I would hire somebody to punch them in the stomach repeatedly for wasting three years of my life.

The Superficial News

• According to The Sun, Sharon Stone used body doubles during the sex scenes of Basic Instinct 2. Considering she's 48-years old, that's probably the best decision the director or the producer or whoever made that decision could have made. They should have just gone with my idea though, and replaced her entire character with a naked Jessica Alba. That, my friends, is just good movie making.

• Brooke Shields responds to Tom Cruise's wild and crazy antics with her personal story. I didn't get through it because I have the attention span of a four-year old, but I think she says something about something. Or another.

• Madonna hates Mariah Carey. Awesome.

• Rumors of Angelina Jolie being pregnant with Brad Pitt's baby are freaking out Jennifer Aniston. And the fact that they haven't denied the rumors probably isn't helping any either. You know what is helping though? That video I sent her of Brad and Angelina having sex in Cancun. I bet that really cheered her up.

• Charlotte Church is threatening to quit the music industry if her new pop direction fails. And I'm threatening to punch Charlotte Church in the face if she doesn't shut up. Nobody cares.

Mariah Carey takes advantage of the homeless

According to the JJB forums, the caption that goes with this picture is "Tuesday, June 28, 2005. Mariah Carey goes to dinner with some friends at Koi in Los Angeles, CA and later on poses with a homeless man in a wheelchair who didn't want to be photographed. She used him for attention and left without even giving him a handshake or money."

I'm not like close friends with Mariah Carey or anything, considering I kick her in the stomach everytime I see her, but this is so like her. At least the homeless guy got a good look at her breasts. It doesn't beat money or food or shelter, but it's probably the next best thing. If you can't buy stuff or eat or sleep in a warm place, I figure masturbating is the way to go.

[Image via JJB -- thanks Bo]

Jessica Alba is tougher than sharks

According to a report on Female First: “Jessica Alba punched a shark on the nose when it got too close to her while filming her new her new movie. The sexy actress was shooting underwater scenes in the Bahamas for upcoming film 'Into The Blue' when the deadly fish swam too close for comfort. So the 24-year-old star lashed out and managed to scare the shark away. She revealed: "I jabbed him on the nose and he swam off".

As someone with an advanced degree in marine biology - I also have a pipe and a tweed jacket, so listen up - it might not be the greatest idea to punch sharks in the nose, regardless of how hot you are. A better idea would be to put on put on a black wetsuit and flop around on the surface while making a high pitched barking sound. Seals are the sharks only natural enemy - at least I think I read that right - so my theory is you should do everything you can to look like one. Seals are often called the ninjas of the sea - for example, by me, just now - and sharks know that ninjas will mess you up man. Mess you up bad.

Jennifer Affleck

From The National Enquirer: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben on a sandy beach on the Turks and Caicos island yesterday evening. … With the sun setting, her costar Victor Garber watched as Jen, 33, and Ben, 32, embraced and kissed. The couple flew to the paradise hideaway yesterday morning … It is understood the couple are leaving the luxury resort Parrot Cay, where they spent their first night as a married couple, later today or tomorrow."

Maybe I’m being too needy, but it would be nice if the National Enquirer would follow me around now and again. I’m at least as interesting as Ben Affleck, which is to say I’m as interesting as a plank of wood. A sexy plank of wood. You know, like Madagascar Rosewood or something hot like that. Maybe Maple Burl. Well, maybe not Maple Burl - I got a little carried away there - but you know, still pretty hot.