Jennifer Affleck

From The National Enquirer: "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have secretly married, The National Enquirer can exclusively reveal … Wearing white, the pregnant Alias star sealed her union with Ben on a sandy beach on the Turks and Caicos island yesterday evening. … With the sun setting, her costar Victor Garber watched as Jen, 33, and Ben, 32, embraced and kissed. The couple flew to the paradise hideaway yesterday morning … It is understood the couple are leaving the luxury resort Parrot Cay, where they spent their first night as a married couple, later today or tomorrow."

Maybe I’m being too needy, but it would be nice if the National Enquirer would follow me around now and again. I’m at least as interesting as Ben Affleck, which is to say I’m as interesting as a plank of wood. A sexy plank of wood. You know, like Madagascar Rosewood or something hot like that. Maybe Maple Burl. Well, maybe not Maple Burl - I got a little carried away there - but you know, still pretty hot.

Domino Harvey found dead

From Female First UK: "Former supermodel-turned-bounty hunter DOMINO HARVEY was found dead in a bathtub in her West Hollywood home on Monday night. She was 35. (She) was facing a possible life jail sentence over drug charges filed last year (04) … Domino quit modeling 12 years ago (93) to capture fugitives and criminals who had jumped bail. Domino's life story has recently been the subject of KEIRA KNIGHTLEY's new movie DOMINO, which is scheduled to hit cinema screens … in August, although it may now be delayed to incorporate the former model's death into the storyline."

I’m sure Domino Harvey was delightful and there are people mourning her right now, so I’m just gonna make fun of the movie version of her, which always looked suspect. First of all, for a “supermodel”, it’s suspiciously hard to find pictures of her online. The only picture I could find is that one below, with her in those white Toughskin jeans. Good luck finding a husband in those. And she’s got legs like Ricky Williams, which you generally don’t find on models. The movie says it’s mostly based on a true story, but you could pretty much say that about anything. You could say the Huffalump Movie was based on a true story if you wanted, cause “once, there was this bear…”, and then just make up the rest. Not that a girl could never be a bounty hunter, it’s just that a girl could never be a bounty hunter. If I was dating a girl who claimed she was one, I would just nod politely and then give her a new mission: “hunt” me down a piece of pie. And a glass of milk. And then I’d smack her on the ass as a send off, cause girls like to be reminded who's in charge.

Telegraph UK has a more sobering account of Dominos life and the unbridled happiness that only a heroin addiction can bring.

Paris Hilton has monster engagement ring

I'm glad that Paris Hilton decided to go with a smaller more modest engagement ring. Considering how much money she has and her undeniable need for attention, she could have easily gone with some gigantic gaudy looking thing with a diamond bigger than my damn thumb. But she didn't. Because she's classy. And classy women know that having the biggest diamond in the world on your finger is just plain tacky. In other non-related news, I have to go snuggle up and cry now, because Paris Hilton is wearing a rock on her finger that's probably worth more than my house. And by house I mean apartment. And by apartment I mean sidewalk. And by sidewalk I mean garbage can next to sidewalk.

The Superficial News

• Lindsay Lohan recently collapsed at LA's Body and Soul gym during an hour-long workout on a bike and appeared unconscious. She was eventually brought around, but I guess this just goes to show you that being too skinny isn't really all it's "cracked" up to be. Hehe, get it? Because she snorts cocaine. I'm funny.

• The Star reports that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi want a baby. And considering Star reported it, you know it must be true. Those guys are really on top of their credible news. Especially that one story about Julia Roberts having a penis. Right on the money!

• In old news, Lindsay Lohan claims that she will never do a nude scene. No offense, but if I want to see a naked crack-addicted skeleton, I'll just walk down the street and ask my homeless friend George to show me the naked crack-addicted skeleton he keeps in his duffel bag.

• Leonardo DiCaprio is planning on opening an eco-hotel on an island he bought off the Belize coast. That's all fine and dandy, but how is it going to compete with my nature-destroyer-hotel which burns forests and eats animals and doesn't house any guests at all? Just give it up, Leonardo. Nature is mine!

Paris Hilton probably isn't pregnant

Sure, it's probably just the wind blowing her dress up, but I prefer to believe that in the past week or so, Paris Hilton got totally knocked up and has gone through two trimesters of pregnancy. What with her sleeping with every other guy in New York, it would only make sense that the combined power of all that sperm would shoot her pregnancy into overdrive. And considering I have a PhD in pregnancy from Columbia Medical School, you can just go ahead and assume that everything I say is completely true and scientifically possible.

[Image via Forumer]

Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed

If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.

So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.

Sure, why not.