Paris Hilton has monster engagement ring

I'm glad that Paris Hilton decided to go with a smaller more modest engagement ring. Considering how much money she has and her undeniable need for attention, she could have easily gone with some gigantic gaudy looking thing with a diamond bigger than my damn thumb. But she didn't. Because she's classy. And classy women know that having the biggest diamond in the world on your finger is just plain tacky. In other non-related news, I have to go snuggle up and cry now, because Paris Hilton is wearing a rock on her finger that's probably worth more than my house. And by house I mean apartment. And by apartment I mean sidewalk. And by sidewalk I mean garbage can next to sidewalk.

The Superficial News

• Lindsay Lohan recently collapsed at LA's Body and Soul gym during an hour-long workout on a bike and appeared unconscious. She was eventually brought around, but I guess this just goes to show you that being too skinny isn't really all it's "cracked" up to be. Hehe, get it? Because she snorts cocaine. I'm funny.

• The Star reports that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi want a baby. And considering Star reported it, you know it must be true. Those guys are really on top of their credible news. Especially that one story about Julia Roberts having a penis. Right on the money!

• In old news, Lindsay Lohan claims that she will never do a nude scene. No offense, but if I want to see a naked crack-addicted skeleton, I'll just walk down the street and ask my homeless friend George to show me the naked crack-addicted skeleton he keeps in his duffel bag.

• Leonardo DiCaprio is planning on opening an eco-hotel on an island he bought off the Belize coast. That's all fine and dandy, but how is it going to compete with my nature-destroyer-hotel which burns forests and eats animals and doesn't house any guests at all? Just give it up, Leonardo. Nature is mine!

Paris Hilton probably isn't pregnant

Sure, it's probably just the wind blowing her dress up, but I prefer to believe that in the past week or so, Paris Hilton got totally knocked up and has gone through two trimesters of pregnancy. What with her sleeping with every other guy in New York, it would only make sense that the combined power of all that sperm would shoot her pregnancy into overdrive. And considering I have a PhD in pregnancy from Columbia Medical School, you can just go ahead and assume that everything I say is completely true and scientifically possible.

[Image via Forumer]

Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed

If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.

So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.

Sure, why not.

Eva Longoria scared of rapists

Eva Longoria is reportedly scared of the paparazzi because she gets paranoid that photographers hiding in bushes around her home will one day be replaced by rapists. Considering how incredibly hot Eva Longoria is, her paranoia is probably justified. I don't want to scare her or anything, but there are about 10 gazillion guys out there whose number one goal in life is to put their penis inside of her. And in case you didn't know, 10 gazillion is a lot.

The Superficial News

• In case you're wondering, Elle Macpherson is not seeing Colin Farrell. In other not news, Katie Holmes is not having three way sex with a donkey and Hulk Hogan. Or is she?

• Tom Cruise has begged Nicole Kidman to be a guest at his wedding to Katie Holmes, saying she must attend to set a good example for their kids. As if Tom being a complete lunatic isn't strong enough parenting on its own. Which it is, because having your dad jump around on Oprah and then denounce psychiatry as the work of the Devil is pretty much the best example a parent can set. I mean, next to murdering orphans and eating their internal organs that is, which is also pretty good parenting if you ask me.

• From the mouth of Ryan Seacrest: "I have always been a massive pop fan. That's not always the coolest thing for a guy to admit, and I definitely got teased for it. But I remember thinking Paula was hot. That's when I realized I liked girls." There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, but there's something 100% wrong with being Ryan Seacrest. It's like some strange paradox that nobody except wise Asian men living in the mountains will ever understand.

• On Monday, Paula Abdul urged California lawmakers to crack down on nail salon hygiene. Yeah, you wish I was making this crap up.

• A homemade sex tape that Eve made when she was 21 has started circulating the net. I don't want to give anything away, but the video features Eve's vagina, a dildo, and a man pleasuring himself in what I can only describe as an act of horrible disgustingness. I'm no expert on sex tapes, but there has to be a better angle to shoot from than straight up the vagina. See the incredibly NSFW video here.