Tom Cruise and Rob Thomas caught in bed

If there's one thing I know, it's that random gossip from total strangers based on absolutely no facts is true about 100% of the time. That said, here's an email that reader Rob decided to forward in.

So, I work with this girl who has a family friend that works in PR in Hollywood, and she always has fun little scoops about celeb stuff. Well, if this is true, this is just ridiculous! So, the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing - apparently, it is, like we all thought anyway, a ridiculous PR thing. Tom Cruise was supposedly caught in bed with Rob Thomas (the lead singer of Matchbox 20) by Rob Thomas's wife, Marisol. Rob Thomas is also a Scientologist. Obviously, nobody wanted this to get out, and Marisol was going nuts threatening to expose them. I think that she might be getting paid off, but to preempt any rumors about Tom, the Scientology people as well as Tom's PR people basically recruited Katie Holmes to play this part of Tom's super-excited girlfriend, and they are just paying her a b*ttload of money. I guess they also woo'd her with promises of what this would do for her career, since she's at best a B-lister. But I guess now Marisol is so annoyed at all of the press Tom and Katie's relationship is getting, she's threatening to go public, spill the beans, and file for divorce.

Sure, why not.

Eva Longoria scared of rapists

Eva Longoria is reportedly scared of the paparazzi because she gets paranoid that photographers hiding in bushes around her home will one day be replaced by rapists. Considering how incredibly hot Eva Longoria is, her paranoia is probably justified. I don't want to scare her or anything, but there are about 10 gazillion guys out there whose number one goal in life is to put their penis inside of her. And in case you didn't know, 10 gazillion is a lot.

The Superficial News

• In case you're wondering, Elle Macpherson is not seeing Colin Farrell. In other not news, Katie Holmes is not having three way sex with a donkey and Hulk Hogan. Or is she?

• Tom Cruise has begged Nicole Kidman to be a guest at his wedding to Katie Holmes, saying she must attend to set a good example for their kids. As if Tom being a complete lunatic isn't strong enough parenting on its own. Which it is, because having your dad jump around on Oprah and then denounce psychiatry as the work of the Devil is pretty much the best example a parent can set. I mean, next to murdering orphans and eating their internal organs that is, which is also pretty good parenting if you ask me.

• From the mouth of Ryan Seacrest: "I have always been a massive pop fan. That's not always the coolest thing for a guy to admit, and I definitely got teased for it. But I remember thinking Paula was hot. That's when I realized I liked girls." There's nothing wrong with being homosexual, but there's something 100% wrong with being Ryan Seacrest. It's like some strange paradox that nobody except wise Asian men living in the mountains will ever understand.

• On Monday, Paula Abdul urged California lawmakers to crack down on nail salon hygiene. Yeah, you wish I was making this crap up.

• A homemade sex tape that Eve made when she was 21 has started circulating the net. I don't want to give anything away, but the video features Eve's vagina, a dildo, and a man pleasuring himself in what I can only describe as an act of horrible disgustingness. I'm no expert on sex tapes, but there has to be a better angle to shoot from than straight up the vagina. See the incredibly NSFW video here.

The Dukes of Hazzard movie will be released

I met up with Jessica Simpson this weekend, we talked for a while … long story short, I banged her. While I was getting dressed and explaining the she needs to flush her eyes with water or that stuff will just keep burning like that, she mentioned the post we had Friday about the preliminary injunction against Warner Brothers that effectively shut down all movement, including the release of, the Dukes of Hazard movie. Jess rinsed out her mouth and explained that Warner Brothers quickly reached a deal with producer Robert C. Clark - reportedly in the form of a fat 5 million - and the movie will be released on August 5 as planned.

Tom Cruise passionate about life. Also crazy as hell.

Now officially dangerously insane Tom Cruise was on the Today Show this morning and what began as a typical media tongue kiss about War of the Worlds quickly ramped up into the greatest interview ever, with Cruise insisting time and time again that he knows things it’s been proven he doesn’t know, like during this exchange with Matt Lauer about Brooke Shields taking a prescription for post partum depression:

Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.

Cruise: Matt, I'm - Matt, I'm asking you a question.
Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.
Crusie: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

Just to reiterate, no, he really really doesn’t. Later, the actor who failed high school and never went to college explained his depth of knowledge in regards to psychiatric medications:

Crusie: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

The Dukes of Hazard movie will not be released

It might not the greatest idea in the world to get legal council from someone whose email starts with “SmoothB” (although Anton Scalia’s email is BadMuthaFukka19, so maybe I should) but worldly reader and local heartbreaker Tom sent in two stories yesterday in regards to an injunction that went down yesterday afternoon and will prevent Warner Brothers from releasing the feature version of The Dukes of Hazard, previously due out August 5th. The full public record can be found on the website for the Federal District Court for the Central District of California. The heart of the record says the following:

“Order by Judge Gary A. Feess: granting motion for preliminary injunction. WHEREFORE, IS IT HEREBY ORDERED that … Warner Brothers … (is) preliminarily enjoined during the pendencey of this action from preparing producing, editing, distributing, advertising, exploiting, copying, publishing, or licensing, for theatrical sequels based on or derived from the feature motion picture “Moonrunners”

Moonrunners is the 1975 movie that is credited as the premise for the Dukes of Hazard, and they were so similiar they both even featured Waylon Jennings as the narrator. I never saw that movie because I hadn’t been born yet and also because, based on a recent poll of my grandparents, I’m adorable and a precious angel and shouldn’t watch movies like that, although you’d never know it by reading my t-shirt with a kitten in sunglasses on it and the phrase “Here Comes Trouble!”.

Below is a screen cap of part of the Judges directive, which is worth reading just to see the phrase “Jessica Simpson is extremely hot right now” written down in a legal document to be recorded in the halls of justice forever. And thanks again to Tom who pretty much did all the work on this. Although it wouldn’t have killed him to write some funny jokes, unlike the crap I threw out here. Jeez, I don’t wanna throw around the word “lazy”, but…

Note - I do feel compelled to mention that The Dukes of Hazard website is still up, which would seem to violate the advertising portion of this injunction, so I can’t say for sure how serious this sort of thing is. It may happen all the damn time for all I know. I tried asking my life-size Torie Wilson cut-out about it, but she was all oiled up and only had one thing on her mind, baby.