The Superficial News

• Lindsay Lohan threw a tantrum at the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded because her song was played during the credits and not the race scene. Then she did a line of cocaine and gave oral sex to ten guys just for the heck of it. That girl is crazy.

• Scarlett Johansson dropped out of Mission Impossible III because Tom Cruise was trying to convert her to Scientology. Jokes on her though, because Scientology is totally credible and not full of crap at all.

• Leonardo DiCaprio is filing charges against the woman that hit him with a beer bottle last week. If it was me, I would have just had her set on fire. Them's the perks of being famous. You can have whoever you want set on fire and nobody cares!

Sharon Stone approached by Playboy

According to a friend of Sharon Stone, Playboy has been approaching her to do another photoshoot before she turns fifty.

A friend of the actress said: "Sharon's sizzling and Playboy noticed. And she has been asked to pose again before she hits the big 5-0." The details have yet to be worked out, but if Stone accepts she will flaunt her curves in a tropical location.

Unfortunately, I don't think anybody is interested in seeing Sharon Stone naked in Playboy. Not that she doesn't look decent for a 47-year old, it's just that I can't imagine there's a very big market for leather-skinned ice queens out there, although I've been wrong about this sort of thing before. Actually no, no I haven't. I've never been wrong. About anything. Ever. And I'm awesomely good looking, so I guess everything really worked out for me. Except for this damn penis. It's just too big.

Ben Affleck doesn't care

If there one thing I hate more than robots from the future who try to kill me - and I fuckin hate robots from the future who try to kill me - it’s idiots who chain smoke around pregnant women. And Jennifer Garner is clearly pregnant at this point. And based on that cloud of smoke around Ben Affleck, he’s either a magic dragon or he’s smoking five cigarettes at a time. I’m no filthy hippy who freaks out about second hand smoke, but I also acknowledge that there’s probably a reason gynecologists don’t insert a pipe filled with rich tobacco during prenatal exams.

Ben Affleck enjoys his scrotum

So apparently Ben Affleck likes to show off his nuts to random people. Christina Applegate says that while she was working on Surviving Christmas last year, Ben deliberately showed her his testicles while shooting a scene.

"They were doing a shot of a briefcase and Ben put his stuff on the case. It was gross."

And apparently Ben Affleck doesn't just show his testicles to women either, since he would actually rest his scrotum on the back of Kevin Smith's neck during breaks on the set of Jersey Girl. I used to think Ben Affleck was an untalented idiot, but anybody who goes around teabagging their directors and showing off their testicles to coworkers is okay with me. Although I must admit, the thought of Ben Affleck's scrotum touching my neck scares me more than vampires do. And vampires are pretty damn scary.

Lindsay Lohan loved by black guys

According to Lindsay Lohan, black rappers love her, which is to be expected because I'm a racist and I love associating black rappers with hoes. Actually, I just love associating Lindsay Lohan with hoes, but if you can insult an entire community, why not?

Black guys love me - Damon Dash, P Diddy. 50 called my agent for my number. He said he was watching Mean Girls and loved it. I was freaking out! The first thing I thought was, 'Where's Eminem?' I'm in love with him!

$10 says that if given the chance, Eminem would do things to Lindsay Lohan that would make her never ever be in love with him ever again. I'm talking dirty things, here. The kinds of things only rappers and male teenagers think about.

Britney Spears has big boobs

Britney Spears has always denied having breast implants, but an old actress named Sally Kirkland claims she knows who did Britney's surgery, and apparently he's pretty damn bad at it. Sally, who's 60-years old now, got implants many years ago and had major health problems because of them and is now warning Britney of the possible consequences.

I happen to know Britney Spears' breast-implant doctor, and I just hope she does not breastfeed. Because if she does, she could give her baby so many future health problems.

Britney's rep responded with the standard denial. "Thank you, Sally, for your concern for Britney, but she does not have breast implants, so you don't need to worry." I don't know if Britney used to have breast implants, but she clearly doesn't need them anymore. Ever since she got knocked up, her knockers have been pretty knockerific. And by knockerific, I mean monstrously huge. God bless pregnancy. Wait, did I say prengancy? I meant huge breasts.