Is Mena Suvari gay?

Lindsay Lohan loved by black guys

According to Lindsay Lohan, black rappers love her, which is to be expected because I'm a racist and I love associating black rappers with hoes. Actually, I just love associating Lindsay Lohan with hoes, but if you can insult an entire community, why not?

Black guys love me - Damon Dash, P Diddy. 50 called my agent for my number. He said he was watching Mean Girls and loved it. I was freaking out! The first thing I thought was, 'Where's Eminem?' I'm in love with him!

$10 says that if given the chance, Eminem would do things to Lindsay Lohan that would make her never ever be in love with him ever again. I'm talking dirty things, here. The kinds of things only rappers and male teenagers think about.

Britney Spears has big boobs

Britney Spears has always denied having breast implants, but an old actress named Sally Kirkland claims she knows who did Britney's surgery, and apparently he's pretty damn bad at it. Sally, who's 60-years old now, got implants many years ago and had major health problems because of them and is now warning Britney of the possible consequences.

I happen to know Britney Spears' breast-implant doctor, and I just hope she does not breastfeed. Because if she does, she could give her baby so many future health problems.

Britney's rep responded with the standard denial. "Thank you, Sally, for your concern for Britney, but she does not have breast implants, so you don't need to worry." I don't know if Britney used to have breast implants, but she clearly doesn't need them anymore. Ever since she got knocked up, her knockers have been pretty knockerific. And by knockerific, I mean monstrously huge. God bless pregnancy. Wait, did I say prengancy? I meant huge breasts.

Wilmer Valderrama is mind boggling

Lindsay Lohan claims she split with Wilmer Valderrama because she couldn't handle all his flirting, but doesn't make much sense because we're talking about freaking Fez here.

Wilmer was my first love. But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around; he would flirt with them. And I couldn't handle that. I really didn't trust him. So that was hard too. My life was too out of order. I was too depressed. I was too concerned with Wilmer this, Wilmer that.

Fez must be some kind of sorceror, because there's no other explanation for how he managed to date Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore and then make them believe that they had a good thing going. That would be like McDonald's serving me freshly pooed poo, and then me getting upset because it wasn't pooey enough. Okay, that was a pretty weird analogy but you get what I'm saying: McDonald's serves poo. Feces, man. Feces.

Nicole Kidman gets pissed

Nicole Kidman allegedly lost it yesterday when she was insulted by a photographer on the red carpet in New York.

"Her face just fell," Ramson said. "I thought, whoa, something's happened. Then she called her publicist over, who went over and had a word with the guy, but Nicole must have changed her mind about approaching him, because she stormed over and started shouting and waving her finger at him."

I sort of wish Nicole Kidman would have just kicked the guy in the nuts, because that would have been really really funny. And you know everybody there would have just started laughing at the guy because he got his nuts kicked, and not be mad at Nicole at all. Man, I wish somebody gave me a reason to kick them in the nuts. I do it all the time, but since it's to strangers for no reason at all, they're usually less understanding.

*Update: According to an anonymous reader, apparently Nicole Kidman's makeup artist died and the photographer was asking about it. Now that definitely deserves a kick to the nuts.

Lindsay Lohan talked out of partying

The folks at Disney have allegedly managed to sweet talk Lindsay Lohan into dropping the partying lifestyle while she promotes Herbie: Fully Loaded. Lindsay says that Disney honcho Nina Jacobson sat her down and talked with her and explained that Disney had put a lot of money into the movie and they needed to make sure she was going to be able to go out and promote it. Really though, what better publicity is there than Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of the Spider Club looking like a crack addicted skeleton? Based on the numerous polls I've run from my basement, the public loves crack addicted skeletons. And ice cream sandwiches. They definitely love ice cream sandwiches.