Wilmer Valderrama is mind boggling

Lindsay Lohan claims she split with Wilmer Valderrama because she couldn't handle all his flirting, but doesn't make much sense because we're talking about freaking Fez here.

Wilmer was my first love. But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around; he would flirt with them. And I couldn't handle that. I really didn't trust him. So that was hard too. My life was too out of order. I was too depressed. I was too concerned with Wilmer this, Wilmer that.

Fez must be some kind of sorceror, because there's no other explanation for how he managed to date Lindsay Lohan and Mandy Moore and then make them believe that they had a good thing going. That would be like McDonald's serving me freshly pooed poo, and then me getting upset because it wasn't pooey enough. Okay, that was a pretty weird analogy but you get what I'm saying: McDonald's serves poo. Feces, man. Feces.

Jenn Rivell lied about Jessica Simpson

According to Radar Online, the phone call Jenn Rivell made to a Philadelphia radio station two weeks ago was a scam orchestrated by both Rivell and Bam Margera.

Jennifer and Bam were holding out for the highest bidder,”

says a source close to the former couple, who, we hear, are in on their
“feud” together … Star shelled out $8,000 for “exclusive
interviews” with Margera and Rivell in the latest issue, on stands
today … A source close to the Jackass alum says that on April 19 — the
night of Simpson’s supposed infidelity — Margera went back with Jessica
and 10 other pals to Simpson’s parents’ house in L.A. after partying …

at The Roxy until 2 a.m. … "Everyone slept at Jessica’s,” says the
source, “but no one slept with Jessica, except maybe her little dog.”

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about quality relationships, it’s that nothing brings a couple together like lying about drunken infidelity on the radio for money. One of my Dr. Phil books even has a whole chapter called “Lie About Drunken Infidelity on the Radio for Money and Feel the Love Grow”. I didn’t read that chapter, cause I think I got the gist of it from the title, but I bet there are some pretty good ideas in there, cause who knows more about steamy relationships than Dr. Phil. Man that guy is hot!

Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated

This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston “breakup has been solved. 'She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…’”

It shouldn’t even count as cheating if you do it with Angelina Jolie. She should be some kind of exception, cause really, what choice do you have. It should just be understood that if Angelina is around, any social or sexual norms go right out the window. So if you see a general assembly at the UN and all the ambassadors have their feet up on the table and are masturbating, at first you might think, “Well that’s weird,” but then the camera would pan over to Jolie on stage giving a speech about starving babies getting ripped apart by crocodiles and you’d think, “Oh ok, I get it now.” And then you would take off your pants.

Nicole Kidman gets pissed

Nicole Kidman allegedly lost it yesterday when she was insulted by a photographer on the red carpet in New York.

"Her face just fell," Ramson said. "I thought, whoa, something's happened. Then she called her publicist over, who went over and had a word with the guy, but Nicole must have changed her mind about approaching him, because she stormed over and started shouting and waving her finger at him."

I sort of wish Nicole Kidman would have just kicked the guy in the nuts, because that would have been really really funny. And you know everybody there would have just started laughing at the guy because he got his nuts kicked, and not be mad at Nicole at all. Man, I wish somebody gave me a reason to kick them in the nuts. I do it all the time, but since it's to strangers for no reason at all, they're usually less understanding.

*Update: According to an anonymous reader, apparently Nicole Kidman's makeup artist died and the photographer was asking about it. Now that definitely deserves a kick to the nuts.

Lindsay Lohan talked out of partying

The folks at Disney have allegedly managed to sweet talk Lindsay Lohan into dropping the partying lifestyle while she promotes Herbie: Fully Loaded. Lindsay says that Disney honcho Nina Jacobson sat her down and talked with her and explained that Disney had put a lot of money into the movie and they needed to make sure she was going to be able to go out and promote it. Really though, what better publicity is there than Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of the Spider Club looking like a crack addicted skeleton? Based on the numerous polls I've run from my basement, the public loves crack addicted skeletons. And ice cream sandwiches. They definitely love ice cream sandwiches.

Paris Hilton retiring

Paris Hilton claims that in two years she'll give up the public life to settle down and be a good wife to her Greek fiance Paris Latsis and their children when she turns 26.

I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand. I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'

I wish I could believe that everybody's favorite whore is going to finally retire, but I find it hard to believe that somebody who wears a freaking tiara in public could so easily leave the spotlight. Unless, of course, she wears tiaras to blend into the public. Which might very well be the case, because my wilderness survival handbook says that wearing tiaras is the number one rule of camouflage.