Jennifer Aniston says Brad Pitt cheated

This mornings Page Six is reporting that the mystery behind the Brad Pitt / Jennifer Anniston “breakup has been solved. 'She told (Vanity Fair) she did want babies with Brad, and that starting a family wasn't the issue … The issue was Brad cheated…’”

It shouldn’t even count as cheating if you do it with Angelina Jolie. She should be some kind of exception, cause really, what choice do you have. It should just be understood that if Angelina is around, any social or sexual norms go right out the window. So if you see a general assembly at the UN and all the ambassadors have their feet up on the table and are masturbating, at first you might think, “Well that’s weird,” but then the camera would pan over to Jolie on stage giving a speech about starving babies getting ripped apart by crocodiles and you’d think, “Oh ok, I get it now.” And then you would take off your pants.

Nicole Kidman gets pissed

Nicole Kidman allegedly lost it yesterday when she was insulted by a photographer on the red carpet in New York.

"Her face just fell," Ramson said. "I thought, whoa, something's happened. Then she called her publicist over, who went over and had a word with the guy, but Nicole must have changed her mind about approaching him, because she stormed over and started shouting and waving her finger at him."

I sort of wish Nicole Kidman would have just kicked the guy in the nuts, because that would have been really really funny. And you know everybody there would have just started laughing at the guy because he got his nuts kicked, and not be mad at Nicole at all. Man, I wish somebody gave me a reason to kick them in the nuts. I do it all the time, but since it's to strangers for no reason at all, they're usually less understanding.

*Update: According to an anonymous reader, apparently Nicole Kidman's makeup artist died and the photographer was asking about it. Now that definitely deserves a kick to the nuts.

Lindsay Lohan talked out of partying

The folks at Disney have allegedly managed to sweet talk Lindsay Lohan into dropping the partying lifestyle while she promotes Herbie: Fully Loaded. Lindsay says that Disney honcho Nina Jacobson sat her down and talked with her and explained that Disney had put a lot of money into the movie and they needed to make sure she was going to be able to go out and promote it. Really though, what better publicity is there than Lindsay Lohan stumbling out of the Spider Club looking like a crack addicted skeleton? Based on the numerous polls I've run from my basement, the public loves crack addicted skeletons. And ice cream sandwiches. They definitely love ice cream sandwiches.

Paris Hilton retiring

Paris Hilton claims that in two years she'll give up the public life to settle down and be a good wife to her Greek fiance Paris Latsis and their children when she turns 26.

I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand. I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'

I wish I could believe that everybody's favorite whore is going to finally retire, but I find it hard to believe that somebody who wears a freaking tiara in public could so easily leave the spotlight. Unless, of course, she wears tiaras to blend into the public. Which might very well be the case, because my wilderness survival handbook says that wearing tiaras is the number one rule of camouflage.

Megan Mullally and Debra Messing fondle breasts

After Camryn Manheim introduced Debra Messing and Megan Mullally as the new Lucy and Ethel at last Friday's 2005 Women in Film Crystal/Lucy Awards, Megan Mullally playfully fondled Debra Messing's breasts.

The act got a big laugh at the annual event, and the bawdy tone spread throughout the evening as honorees and presenters told naughty jokes.

I'm so glad that there's somebody out there with the courage and integrity to stand up and do what I've always believed women should do: fondle each others' breasts. Unfortunately, the sight of Camryn Manheim sort of ruins the whole experience, but that's the price you have to pay if you want to see breast fondling action in public. And my God, is it a terrible and horrifying price.

Michael Jackson acquitted on all charges

Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all 10 charges against him, including getting a 13-year old cancer patient drunk and then sexing him up in ways only a deviant like your mother could. Wait, what? Did I just call your mother a deviant child molestor? Why yes, yes I did.

Mr. Jackson was prosecuted on 10 felony counts - four of child molesting, one of attempted child molesting, four of administering alcohol to aid in the commission of a felony, and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Together, the charges carried a maximum possible sentence of more than 18 years in prison.

This whole Michael Jackson thing is really boring to me so let's just call it a day and have some pie or something.