Paris Hilton retiring

Paris Hilton claims that in two years she'll give up the public life to settle down and be a good wife to her Greek fiance Paris Latsis and their children when she turns 26.

I thought it was cute to play a dumb blonde. On TV, I do it because it's funny. I consider myself a businesswoman and a brand. I don't enjoy going out anymore. It's such a pain. It's everyone saying, 'Let's do a deal! Can I have a picture?' I'm just, like, 'These people are such losers. I can't believe I used to love doing this.'

I wish I could believe that everybody's favorite whore is going to finally retire, but I find it hard to believe that somebody who wears a freaking tiara in public could so easily leave the spotlight. Unless, of course, she wears tiaras to blend into the public. Which might very well be the case, because my wilderness survival handbook says that wearing tiaras is the number one rule of camouflage.

Megan Mullally and Debra Messing fondle breasts

After Camryn Manheim introduced Debra Messing and Megan Mullally as the new Lucy and Ethel at last Friday's 2005 Women in Film Crystal/Lucy Awards, Megan Mullally playfully fondled Debra Messing's breasts.

The act got a big laugh at the annual event, and the bawdy tone spread throughout the evening as honorees and presenters told naughty jokes.

I'm so glad that there's somebody out there with the courage and integrity to stand up and do what I've always believed women should do: fondle each others' breasts. Unfortunately, the sight of Camryn Manheim sort of ruins the whole experience, but that's the price you have to pay if you want to see breast fondling action in public. And my God, is it a terrible and horrifying price.

Michael Jackson acquitted on all charges

Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all 10 charges against him, including getting a 13-year old cancer patient drunk and then sexing him up in ways only a deviant like your mother could. Wait, what? Did I just call your mother a deviant child molestor? Why yes, yes I did.

Mr. Jackson was prosecuted on 10 felony counts - four of child molesting, one of attempted child molesting, four of administering alcohol to aid in the commission of a felony, and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Together, the charges carried a maximum possible sentence of more than 18 years in prison.

This whole Michael Jackson thing is really boring to me so let's just call it a day and have some pie or something.

Jessica Simpson in These Boots Are Made For Walkin music video

You know what the difference between a mantis woman like Paris Hilton and a real woman like Jessica Simpson is? When Paris Hilton gets in a bikini and washes a car, people start throwing hissy fits and complaining that she's a whore. When Jessica Simpson gets in a bikini and washes a car, people don't have enough time to complain because they've already orgasmed like eight times. No wait, better make that nine. Uh...ten. Good lord.

Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson's music video for These Boots Are Made For Walkin. I'd say more, but that would only get in the way of you and a video so hot it made me orgasm twenty-seven times in three minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and die.

Watch These Boots Are Made For Walkin Video (.asx)

Brad Pitt doesn't recognize Lindsay Lohan

During the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan ran up to talk to Brad Pitt while he was signing autographs and he didn't recognize her. Unfortunately, his publicist told him who she was before he could bust out any anti-stalker ass kicking.

"I just ran up to Brad Pitt like a stalker," Lohan says in the Wednesday, June 8 interview with "Access Hollywood." "I said, 'I just have to introduce myself.'He didn't know who I was, and [then] he was like, 'Ohhh.'

This would have been funnier if he had punched her in the face and then peed on her, but I guess not knowing who she is is as good as it's going to get. I don't know why, but I'm always hoping that one day a celebrity will pee on somebody just because they think they can get away with it. I'm going to be so happy when that day comes.

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Tom Cruise recreates Oprah insanity

Tom Cruise poked fun at himself last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno by recreating his insane appearance on Oprah. I didn't catch it because I don't watch crap, but seeing him jump on couches and do more arm pumping action might have made Jay Leno bearable for my eyes. Actually no, there's nothing in the world that could make me stand Jay Leno. Unless it was some TV special where Conan O'Brien was beating him to death with an alligator. I think I could muster up the courage to watch that.