Michael Jackson acquitted on all charges

Michael Jackson has been acquitted of all 10 charges against him, including getting a 13-year old cancer patient drunk and then sexing him up in ways only a deviant like your mother could. Wait, what? Did I just call your mother a deviant child molestor? Why yes, yes I did.

Mr. Jackson was prosecuted on 10 felony counts - four of child molesting, one of attempted child molesting, four of administering alcohol to aid in the commission of a felony, and conspiracy to commit child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Together, the charges carried a maximum possible sentence of more than 18 years in prison.

This whole Michael Jackson thing is really boring to me so let's just call it a day and have some pie or something.

Jessica Simpson in These Boots Are Made For Walkin music video

You know what the difference between a mantis woman like Paris Hilton and a real woman like Jessica Simpson is? When Paris Hilton gets in a bikini and washes a car, people start throwing hissy fits and complaining that she's a whore. When Jessica Simpson gets in a bikini and washes a car, people don't have enough time to complain because they've already orgasmed like eight times. No wait, better make that nine. Uh...ten. Good lord.

Anyway, here's Jessica Simpson's music video for These Boots Are Made For Walkin. I'd say more, but that would only get in the way of you and a video so hot it made me orgasm twenty-seven times in three minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to lie down and die.

Watch These Boots Are Made For Walkin Video (.asx)

Brad Pitt doesn't recognize Lindsay Lohan

During the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith on Tuesday, Lindsay Lohan ran up to talk to Brad Pitt while he was signing autographs and he didn't recognize her. Unfortunately, his publicist told him who she was before he could bust out any anti-stalker ass kicking.

"I just ran up to Brad Pitt like a stalker," Lohan says in the Wednesday, June 8 interview with "Access Hollywood." "I said, 'I just have to introduce myself.'He didn't know who I was, and [then] he was like, 'Ohhh.'

This would have been funnier if he had punched her in the face and then peed on her, but I guess not knowing who she is is as good as it's going to get. I don't know why, but I'm always hoping that one day a celebrity will pee on somebody just because they think they can get away with it. I'm going to be so happy when that day comes.

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Tom Cruise recreates Oprah insanity

Tom Cruise poked fun at himself last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno by recreating his insane appearance on Oprah. I didn't catch it because I don't watch crap, but seeing him jump on couches and do more arm pumping action might have made Jay Leno bearable for my eyes. Actually no, there's nothing in the world that could make me stand Jay Leno. Unless it was some TV special where Conan O'Brien was beating him to death with an alligator. I think I could muster up the courage to watch that.

Jennifer Lopez is engaged

According to In Touch Weekly Marc Anthony formally proposed to Jennifer Lopez for their first wedding anniversary and bought her an 8.5 carat engagement ring estimated to cost about $1 million. Yes that's right, a year after being married Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are now engaged. Oh, the madness.

“It sounds a little odd, but Marc and Jennifer were never really engaged — they just got married. So, to mark their first anniversary, Marc officially proposed, this time presenting Jennifer with an engagement ring from exclusive jeweler-to-the-stars Neil Lane.”

I guess when you've been married as many times as Jennifer, you like to mix it up a bit just to keep things exciting. Like getting married before the proprosal or taking a crap on your fiance. Personally, I prefer not to take a crap on the people I love. But that's just me. I'm weird like that.

Thanks to Mina for the tip.

VIDEO: Paris Hilton flashes on European TV

What in the name of Shamu's butthole is wrong with Paris Hilton? I realize she officially crossed over into living pornography way back when, but I didn't know just how literal that description was. Is it possible for this woman to be in front of a camera and not be naked? I don't know the full story behind this video clip, but it features Paris Hilton exposing her breasts for no apparent reason other than that she's insane. And maybe high. Fortunately for her, the clip aired over in Europe where being naked and high is a way of life. Speaking of which, how come I don't live in Europe? Must be because my penis is too big.

NSFW video clip after the jump.

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