Jennifer Garner is showing

My great hope is that these pictures are of Jennifer Garner seconds after shoplifting some kind of horrible poison and now she’s walking to the water supply where’s she gonna pour it in and choke the rivers with the bodies of our dead. Cause it’s either that or Ben Affleck really did get her pregnant. The only good news here is that, since Jen seems to be out of commission, I am now a mortal lock to win the "Hottest Buns in America" contest.

Britney Spears not in Playboy. Yet.

The gossip site Glamour UK is reporting that “the editor of Playboy, Marilyn Grabowski, says he'd love to have Britney Spears in his magazine, but she asked for a ‘ridiculous’ amount of money when they approached her. ‘It was too much, let's put it that way.’"

Playboy must have spent my subscription money on a time machine because Britney has pretty much looked like hell for two years now. Playboy could just open a thing of poppin-fresh dough, dress it like a tramp then put Britney’s picture and a lit cigarette at the top and it would pretty much be the same thing. I’d rather see my grandfather naked then Britney. The girl in the pics below is gone. She could have glow-in-the-dark tentacles and a forked tongue now and not look any worse, so how about we turn our focus to new hotties like April Scott. I was on April’s website and I saw a picture of her ass, and then I stabbed myself in the eyes so I could go out with one perfect image. Totally worth it dude. Uhh, wait, I mean … tigksisdfdfj kgkqweokdgkgo.

Christian Slater arrested for sexual harassment

Christian Slater was arrested early today on charges of sexual harassment as he drunkenly grabbed a woman's ass on the street. I don't know man, if being Christian Slater doesn't give you the right to grab a woman's ass on the street then all hope is lost. Seriously, we might as well just pack up our stuff and quit humanity now.

Paris Hilton is engaged to Paris

People magazine is reporting that Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend of five months Paris Latsis. I would make fun of the fact that Paris is engaged to Paris, but it's so obviously stupid that I'm not even going to try and top reality.

Latsis, 27, proposed on Wednesday, the day Hilton, 24, returned home to Los Angeles after a three-week trip to Europe, where she promoted her thriller House of Wax and her new fragrance.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Paris Hilton's life is like a damn TV show. Remember in Married With Children when Marcy got married to Jefferson and her name ended up being Marcy Darcy? Well this is exactly like that. It's the kind of thing so stupid that it only happens to fictional TV characters and Paris Hilton. I expect Paris' next move will be to move into the local supermarket and see how long she can live there before getting kicked out.

Madonna getting facelift

I wasn't even planning on posting today since I figured I would just have sex in rememberance of those that died for our country, but once the supermodels passed out I got bored and here I am. Anyway, The London Free Press is reporting that after years of saying it wouldn't happen Madonna has started looking into potential plastic surgeons for a facelift, as well as a fertility doctor in hopes of having a third child.

Her reps are interviewing potential plastic surgeons in Britain and the U.S., selecting the most experienced. Two surgeons have visited her London home and she's expected to meet with others in New York.

Maybe she could save some money and pick a plastic surgeon that was also a fertility doctor. And by "also a fertility doctor" I mean somebody willing to have sex with her after he's worked on her saggy face. I don't want to start any rumors, but I hear Guy Ritchie has so little sperm that his penis fell off. I'm no doctor (actually yes, I am) but I'm 100% certain that's possible and did indeed happen.

Lindsay Lohan removes freckles

Star Magazine, the bastion of all that is true, is reporting that Lindsay Lohan may have gotten her freckles removed as part of her plan to change her appearance and be taken more seriously as an adult. Also part of her plan, losing her once fantastic breasts and looking like a crack-addicted whore.

The Mean Girl has slimmed down (at 5'7", she's an alarming 112 lbs.), glammed up (she's bleached her trademark red locks ), and now, it looks like she's doing away with her freckles.

I don't think we even need to report on Lindsay anymore. We can just release periodic updates that say "Lindsay Lohan still insane" and move on with our lives. Which, if you're anything like me, means having sex with hundreds of supermodels. At once.