Mary Kate's not from around here

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hold hands

The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issue hasn't officially been resolved yet, but here are some pictures that should finalize the argument. I don't know about you, but if I'm married and am going to hold another woman's hand in public, you better believe I'm also going to be having crazy animal sex with her. There's very little chance I'd ruin a marriage to Jennifer Aniston by holding another woman's hand without at least getting something to show for it. But that's just me. I'm picky about the way I ruin my marriages. Although there was that one time Dustin Diamond approached me while I was drunk at Cinespace. Boy, was that a mistake I'll only make twice.

*Edit: Yes, obviously they're on set. It's only interesting because the cameras don't seem to actually be on them.

Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.

Billy Zane really does want to be President

I realize this was already covered in our post Saturday but the sheer insanity of the idea demanded a follow-up in the desperate hope that maybe we just misread the initial reports. Umm … we didn’t. Several outlets ran the story, including Sky News and Ananova :

"Billy (Zane) has decided that he rather fancies being the US President - and wants Kelly (Brook) by his side in the White House. An exec on Billy's new movie … told the Daily Mirror … ‘When he first discussed standing for President, everyone thought Billy was having a laugh. But he explained that he'd looked into funding.’"

I’ve said some fairly remarkable stuff while trying to trick girls, but it’s usually unprovable stuff like I’m a top secret rocket ship pilot or I invented the panda bear. Or, yeah, you’re so right, Crissy is a bitch and she totally wants to keep you from making the squad. But promising to make a girl the most powerful woman on earth seems a tad ambitious, I don’t care how big her tits are. Actually … umm, that’s not true. I very much do care how big her tits are.

Time Magazine's 100 best movies

There’s about a billion reasons to hate movie critics, but lists like this are as good a reason as any. No Shawshank or Braveheart, no Fight Club or Heat, no Usual Suspects or Way of the Gun, just a bunch of insane Wicca art house ramblings and French socialist propaganda. I haven’t seen most of these because I was negative 80 years old when they came out and my Blockbuster doesn’t have a time machine, but I’m pretty sure they’re all crap because the same people who say they like movies like this will also tell you that a teddy bear stuffed with dogshit is the only true art, and screw you if you're too uncivilized to understand that.

Note - Okay, fine, I’m the only one who likes the Way of the Gun.

The Superficial Downtime

Yes...the past 48 hours have been a pretty huge mess. If the site hasn't been loading for you that's because we've switched over to a brand new server. I'm not sure what happened, but a combination of terribly unsexy events brought the site to a stand still. This new server should make sure none of that crap ever happens again though. And sorry for the lack of updates. The server switch made it so the site couldn't be accessed or updated. Trust me, it was more painful for us than it was for you. But mostly because weird bald men kept poking us in the stomach with sharp objects all day. They were mean!