Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie hold hands

The Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt issue hasn't officially been resolved yet, but here are some pictures that should finalize the argument. I don't know about you, but if I'm married and am going to hold another woman's hand in public, you better believe I'm also going to be having crazy animal sex with her. There's very little chance I'd ruin a marriage to Jennifer Aniston by holding another woman's hand without at least getting something to show for it. But that's just me. I'm picky about the way I ruin my marriages. Although there was that one time Dustin Diamond approached me while I was drunk at Cinespace. Boy, was that a mistake I'll only make twice.

*Edit: Yes, obviously they're on set. It's only interesting because the cameras don't seem to actually be on them.

Paris Hilton crashes server

Paris Hilton's car wash ad was so successful that it crashed Carl's Jr's site for four hours. I guess perverts were too excited to see the 60-second version of the commercial which is only available online. And who can blame them, because watching a giant insect wash cars and eat hamburgers is pretty high on my list of sexual fantasies. Right up there with seeing a lion mutilate a horde of fighting midgets.

"It was a mixed blessing," Carl's Jr.'s executive vice president of marketing, Brad Haley, said in a statement. "It turned out that Paris was too hot for our servers."

But it turns out my foot isn't too hot to kick his ass for making such a terrible "too hot" reference. I hope somebody punched this Brad Haley in the face or fired him for saying something so ridiculously lame.

The Superficial Downtime

Yes...the past 48 hours have been a pretty huge mess. If the site hasn't been loading for you that's because we've switched over to a brand new server. I'm not sure what happened, but a combination of terribly unsexy events brought the site to a stand still. This new server should make sure none of that crap ever happens again though. And sorry for the lack of updates. The server switch made it so the site couldn't be accessed or updated. Trust me, it was more painful for us than it was for you. But mostly because weird bald men kept poking us in the stomach with sharp objects all day. They were mean!

Kylie Minogue has breast cancer

Kylie Minogue announced today that she has breast cancer and will be postponing her current tour to seek treatment.

Minogue's management company that the 36-year-old's diagnosis was confirmed this week during a visit to the southern Australian city of Melbourne, her hometown.

I'd say more, but cancer is pretty much the worst thing in the world so I'm just hoping she deals with it okay, although breast cancer isn't usually that bad so I'm sure everything will be fine. At least she didn't get butt-cancer though, because that would've been a career ending disease. Ya know, because she has a nice butt. And uh, I like looking at it. *Cough* No, you're a pervert.

Thanks to Jonathan for the tip.

VIDEO: Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr. Commercial

So that Carl's Jr. commercial featuring Paris Hilton that was too pornographic for television is apparently not too pornographic for television after all. Proving that readers of The Superficial are the sexiest people in the world, Rob sent in an exclusive snippet to give everybody a taste of what all the hubbub is about. It honestly doesn't look that bad, though I'm basing my judgment entirely on a 5 second clip as opposed to the full 30 second commercial that will air tomorrow on Entertainment Tonight. And I'm sure the super-full 60 second version will feature Paris performing actual penetration with the car and maybe an anal scene with the hamburger. Video of Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr commercial after the jump.

The ad for the fast-food chain Carl's Jr. will feature Hilton's signature tag line, which doubles as a reference to the barbecue sauce and jalapenos-pepper laden sandwich — "that's hot."

VIDEO: Sophie Marceau nipple slip at Cannes

Sophie Marceau had herself a bit of a wardrobe malfunction when her dress fell off to reveal her entire left breast while she was being interviewed at Cannes. It's kind of sad that a classically beautiful woman like Sophie Marceau had to go through the same sort of embarrassment that a whorish alcoholic like Tara Reid had to go through, but at least Sophie has normal looking nipples whereas Tara Reid's nipples look like they were born in Hell itself. Seriously, I've seen cancerous growths that have looked more appealing than Tara's boobs.

Obviously NSFW video after the jump.

*Update: In the 0.2 seconds that her breast was exposed, photographers still managed to get a couple of shots in. NSFW images after the jump and under the video.

**Update: The video has been removed to save the site from being completely crushed. You can view a mirror here.

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