Natalie Portman is shaved

Pamela Anderson too good for monkeys

Pamela Anderson has refused to allow a chimp to appear on her show Stacked because of her position as a spokeswoman for PETA. To resolve the problem, the show's producers have replaced the chimp with a robot. I'm going out on a limb here, but any show where a monkey and a robot are interchangeable probably doesn't have the strongest storyline going for it. Not that shows with Pamela Anderson usually have any of that "story" crap anyways.

"Pam was fine about portraying the tests as frightening, but she drew the line at using a real chimp on the show," a source told The Scoop. "Pam said, "I asked them to lose the chimp. We've replaced him with a robot! The scenes are much funnier with the robot anyway - it’s a very sci-fi vibe.' "

Jessica Simpson is armed

One of the many reasons America is so great is because every other country is a bunch of jungle heathens armed with pointy rocks and goat blood, whereas we have hotties like Jessica Simpson on the trigger of guns big enough to shoot down the moon. And these pictures of Jessica taken last week on a USO tour of Qatar and Iraq prove that not only is the US superior in the field of giant guns, but in the field of giant boobs too. Especially heartwarming is the almost unthinkable personification of everything the people we’re fighting hate: hot blond Christian white girls, not too smart and seductively dressed, ready to dispense justice and the American spirit while leading a sexy attack, thus confusing the enemy into masturbating instead of defending themselves. No offense rest of the world, but you guys should just roll over and take it now.

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Bigfoot lives

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but Hedonistica has a fairly awesome picture of Bigfoot. That said, you should probably head on over and have a peak. And to make this at least somewhat relevant, I'll point out that Katie Holmes apparently only has four toes on her right foot. A number of readers pointed it out and I'm a little surprised I didn't catch it myself. I'm usually pretty good when it comes to spotting horribly disgusting foot deformities. And yes, that was a pretty pathetic attempt at creating relevance, but you have to keep in mind that I'm an idiot. Sometimes you forget that and it only ends up hurting both of us.

View totally irrelevant Bigfoot image

Britney Spears' urine bought by online casino

An online casino has paid $5,001 for Britney Spears' alleged home pregnancy test. Clearly somebody over at Golden Palace casino has an ironic sense of humor. Ya know, because Golden Palace and urine are like...urinary...palaces. See? Isn't that ironic? Urinary palaces. Oh man, I need to buy me one of those. I could hire a pastry chef and a tennis instructor and who knows what else. Now somebody explain to me why I'm talking about staffing my urinary palace. I believe I've totally lost my mind.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have crazy animal sex

The NY Post is reporting that Star Magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise during a crazy sex session in Keyna that security rushed to their room. I thought the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie relationship thing was still just speculation, but I guess we've just leaped over that wall and have gone straight into the "animalistic sex in different countries" territory. I think if I was a reporter for Star I would just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching the Cartoon Network. Then whenever I saw something ridiculous that happened in a cartoon I would turn it into a real life story about how Jessica Simpson drinks mustard to stay thin or something. That would be a nice life.

"Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."

Thanks to Julia for the tip. Now will somebody please get me these juju herbs? NOW?!