Bai Ling cut from Revenge of the Sith

Britney Spears' urine bought by online casino

An online casino has paid $5,001 for Britney Spears' alleged home pregnancy test. Clearly somebody over at Golden Palace casino has an ironic sense of humor. Ya know, because Golden Palace and urine are like...urinary...palaces. See? Isn't that ironic? Urinary palaces. Oh man, I need to buy me one of those. I could hire a pastry chef and a tennis instructor and who knows what else. Now somebody explain to me why I'm talking about staffing my urinary palace. I believe I've totally lost my mind.

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have crazy animal sex

The NY Post is reporting that Star Magazine is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise during a crazy sex session in Keyna that security rushed to their room. I thought the whole Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie relationship thing was still just speculation, but I guess we've just leaped over that wall and have gone straight into the "animalistic sex in different countries" territory. I think if I was a reporter for Star I would just sit at home all day eating Cheetos and watching the Cartoon Network. Then whenever I saw something ridiculous that happened in a cartoon I would turn it into a real life story about how Jessica Simpson drinks mustard to stay thin or something. That would be a nice life.

"Miss Jolie got so excited, the guards thought maybe Mr. Pitt was taking juju herbs to give him the strength of a lion."

Thanks to Julia for the tip. Now will somebody please get me these juju herbs? NOW?!

Katie Holmes has mouth problems

Are they cold sores? Are they bruises? Are they small alien creatures that live on the faces of droopy-faced celebrities? Only time will tell, my friends. Only time will tell.

That said, I hear Tom Cruise likes to kick his girlfriends in the mouths and give them all sorts of weird mouth bruises. And Herpes. He's a classy guy.

Richard Gere mean to handicapped

According to the New York Daily Times, Richard Gere "was snippy" when he was asked to pose for a picture with two children suffering from muscular dystrophy. At one point, he apparently even told the wheelchair-ridden kids that "I'm hard of hearing and I have a bad hip. We all have problems." Most celebrities would probably be a pansy and pose with the little buggers, but not Richard. Richard is a man of conviction and when he doesn't want to pose with handicapped children, then dammit he's not going to pose with any handicapped children. So don't even ask. Or he'll punch you in the face. And then pee on you.

Despite a second request an hour later, Gere still didn't come over. "May I please finish my dinner?" he pleaded with another fan who came up and asked for a photo.

Jenna Bush shows bush

There's probably a ton of clever stuff that could be said about Jenna Bush showing off her vagina in public but I'm just not smart enough to come up with anything. I guess I'm just no good when it comes to making fun of the daughter of the most powerful man in the world. Maybe it's because I don't want to wake up one day and find out that the CIA has killed me.

Obviously NSFW pictures after the jump.

*Update: So not only are the images Photoshopped, they're not even of Jenna Bush. I sure do enjoy being wrong about everything.

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