Kevin Federline still trash

If ever there was a source of news more reliable than The National Enquirer I've yet to find it. That said, they're reporting that Kevin Federline hooked up with a protistute and stripper in Vegas while Britney was at home. Not bad, Kevin, but it still doesn't top the night I hooked up with four Korean porn stars and a koala bear. Man, that koala bear was so hot. You don't even know, man.

Hooker Daniele Coakley, 20, told The National Enquirer how she partied with Kevin and ended up passing out on a hotel bed after becoming sick on booze and the dance drug Ecstasy. And Vanessa Hulihan, 30, revealed that she spent nights talking to Kevin and had an intimate tryst with the married danceer in the bathroom of his suite.

Tara Reid has a weird stomach

Everybody knows that Tara Reid's breasts look like crap, but did anybody ever imagine that her stomach would be even worse? That has to be the work of surgery right? Normal stomachs don't look like that. Or at least they're not supposed to look like that. I can't really even imagine what it would take for a stomach to look like that. Drugs? Alcohol? Being a dirty drunken whore? Or maybe having her breasts screwed up wasn't good enough and she decided to finish her transformation into a complete freak by having the same surgeon work on her stomach. Mission accomplished, Tara. Mission accomplished.

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes love is a sham

The New York Post is suggesting that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's relationship is nothing more than a publicity stunt. They make some interesting points about something or another, but I'm sticking to my previous theory that Tom Cruise wants droopy-faced children. Plus any excuse to watch this disgusting couple make out in public is okay by me.

Cruise and Holmes' alleged relationship began when his publicist-sister, Lee Anne DeVette, announced to the world that they were dating - the same night the two of them paraded before photographers in Rome holding hands. The following night, they again put on a show for the paparazzi, this time making sure they were pictured kissing.

Jack Osbourne makes the news lie

You miss the best stuff when you're sick, like the fact that Jack Osbourne has myseriously become a freaking Thai kickboxer. Even more surprising is that the little bastard ended up knocking out a "veteran Thai kickboxer" in their second round. I don't want to insinuate that Jack Osbourne is out of shape or a lumpy potato or anything, but I'm about 100% sure that the "veteran Thai kickboxer" was either paid to throw the fight, made up by the Associated Press, or simply an 8-year old girl. I refuse to believe that potato boy could have defeated anybody in a fair fight, let alone an actual Thai kickboxer. That little 8-year old girl I was talking about before? Even she would kick the crap out of Jack Osbourne. I mean unless he ate her or something.

Jack spent four days at the elite Fairtex Muaythai Fitness Camp near Bangkok, the Thai capital, before traveling to the popular tourist island of Pha-Ngan for "a complete physical detox, which was basically twice-daily massive colonic irrigations to kind of flush himself out of toxins," Stobart said.

Paris Hilton banned Carl's Jr. commercial

Paris Hilton has shot a commercial for Carl's Jr. that may never be aired due to its "pornographic" nature. Since when did anybody think they could put Paris Hilton in front of a camera and have it not turn out pornographic? That would be like taking a picture of Barney and then flipping out because there was a purple dinosaur in the middle of your photograph. The woman is the very definition of pornographic. I hear that in some states it's against the law for you to even look at her in public.

Set to the song "I Love Paris in the Springtime," the 30-second spot, via Mendelsohn/Zien in Los Angeles, shows Hilton washing a car "with hoses shooting everywhere and her soaping everything up," said the source. Touting the BBQ Six Dollar Burger, it plays off her catch phrase, "That's hot."

Thanks to the magnificent Cameron for sending in this shot from the commercial.

No posts until Monday

Sorry for the lack of updates. Unfortunately I'm sick out of my mind right now and am having difficulty just staying conscious enough to type this little diddy of a post. The doctor says it's not Ebola, but judging by the amount of goo coming out of my holes I want a second opinion. And yes I'm kidding about the Ebola thing, but just barely. Posts will resume Monday assuming I've recovered from this death-virus. If not, just go ahead and assume that the Ebola got me.