Jack Osbourne makes the news lie

You miss the best stuff when you're sick, like the fact that Jack Osbourne has myseriously become a freaking Thai kickboxer. Even more surprising is that the little bastard ended up knocking out a "veteran Thai kickboxer" in their second round. I don't want to insinuate that Jack Osbourne is out of shape or a lumpy potato or anything, but I'm about 100% sure that the "veteran Thai kickboxer" was either paid to throw the fight, made up by the Associated Press, or simply an 8-year old girl. I refuse to believe that potato boy could have defeated anybody in a fair fight, let alone an actual Thai kickboxer. That little 8-year old girl I was talking about before? Even she would kick the crap out of Jack Osbourne. I mean unless he ate her or something.

Jack spent four days at the elite Fairtex Muaythai Fitness Camp near Bangkok, the Thai capital, before traveling to the popular tourist island of Pha-Ngan for "a complete physical detox, which was basically twice-daily massive colonic irrigations to kind of flush himself out of toxins," Stobart said.

Paris Hilton banned Carl's Jr. commercial

Paris Hilton has shot a commercial for Carl's Jr. that may never be aired due to its "pornographic" nature. Since when did anybody think they could put Paris Hilton in front of a camera and have it not turn out pornographic? That would be like taking a picture of Barney and then flipping out because there was a purple dinosaur in the middle of your photograph. The woman is the very definition of pornographic. I hear that in some states it's against the law for you to even look at her in public.

Set to the song "I Love Paris in the Springtime," the 30-second spot, via Mendelsohn/Zien in Los Angeles, shows Hilton washing a car "with hoses shooting everywhere and her soaping everything up," said the source. Touting the BBQ Six Dollar Burger, it plays off her catch phrase, "That's hot."

Thanks to the magnificent Cameron for sending in this shot from the commercial.

No posts until Monday

Sorry for the lack of updates. Unfortunately I'm sick out of my mind right now and am having difficulty just staying conscious enough to type this little diddy of a post. The doctor says it's not Ebola, but judging by the amount of goo coming out of my holes I want a second opinion. And yes I'm kidding about the Ebola thing, but just barely. Posts will resume Monday assuming I've recovered from this death-virus. If not, just go ahead and assume that the Ebola got me.

Rosie O'Donnel has Flickr album

Not that anybody cares, but Rosie O'Donnell has a public photo album on Flickr. If looking at fat angry lesbians is your thing, then maybe you should head on over. Otherwise I recommend you just sit there and do whatever it is that you're doing. Which, if I know you half as well as I think I do, is secretly playing with your genitals while watching a documentary about kangaroos. Oh, man that's so sick. Yet so hot.

View Rosie O'Donnel's Flickr Album

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are dating

Well isn't this a weird little relationship. My guess is that Tom Cruise realized that his dream of having droopy-faced children was slipping away from him so he latched on to the closest, droopiest-faced woman he could find. I mean, that makes sense, right? Yeah. It sure does. Plus I bet having sex with a girl 20 years younger than you isn't all that bad either. Unless you're 23 or something. In which case maybe you should just shoot yourself.

"The Insider" has confirmed that megastar Tom Cruise and "Dawson's Creek" cutie Katie Holmes are dating. The couple were spotted holding hands and dining out today in Rome, where Tom is accepting a David di Donatello Award for lifetime achievement, the Italian equivalent of an Oscar.

Lindsay Lohan is tricky

Lindsay Lohan is convinced that one of her friends is behind the recent break-in at her Los Angeles home which occurred while she was filming in New York earlier this month. The criminals took more than $10,000 worth of electronic equipment, including two TV sets and a DVD player - and Lindsay is convinced she has some untrustworthy friends who may know more about the robbery than they're telling the authorities. She says, "I've been marking my money lately because I had a friend who was stealing from me."

I really hope this is true. Not because I want Lindsay's friends to be stealing from her, but because I think it's funny to watch what else she'll do to try and catch them. I mean how much more ridiculous can you get than marking your money? I expect that her next move will be to put some cash in a bear trap or maybe some super glue on her purse. She's like a freaking cartoon character or something.

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