Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are dating

Well isn't this a weird little relationship. My guess is that Tom Cruise realized that his dream of having droopy-faced children was slipping away from him so he latched on to the closest, droopiest-faced woman he could find. I mean, that makes sense, right? Yeah. It sure does. Plus I bet having sex with a girl 20 years younger than you isn't all that bad either. Unless you're 23 or something. In which case maybe you should just shoot yourself.

"The Insider" has confirmed that megastar Tom Cruise and "Dawson's Creek" cutie Katie Holmes are dating. The couple were spotted holding hands and dining out today in Rome, where Tom is accepting a David di Donatello Award for lifetime achievement, the Italian equivalent of an Oscar.

Lindsay Lohan is tricky

Lindsay Lohan is convinced that one of her friends is behind the recent break-in at her Los Angeles home which occurred while she was filming in New York earlier this month. The criminals took more than $10,000 worth of electronic equipment, including two TV sets and a DVD player - and Lindsay is convinced she has some untrustworthy friends who may know more about the robbery than they're telling the authorities. She says, "I've been marking my money lately because I had a friend who was stealing from me."

I really hope this is true. Not because I want Lindsay's friends to be stealing from her, but because I think it's funny to watch what else she'll do to try and catch them. I mean how much more ridiculous can you get than marking your money? I expect that her next move will be to put some cash in a bear trap or maybe some super glue on her purse. She's like a freaking cartoon character or something.

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David and Victoria Beckham sue nanny

I'm curious as to what two gazillionaires hope to gain by suing their nanny. Last time I checked, the whopping $6.75 that is minimum wage doesn't really compare to the hundreds of millions of dollars that the Beckham empire is worth. I guess making somebody wipe the feces from your children's buttholes isn't enough, you should also take everything you've ever paid them by taking them to court over something so trivial as telling the world your marriage is in trouble when everybody already knows your marriage is in trouble. Then again, Victoria Beckham is pretty hot so if she feels the need to sue her poor ugly nanny that's alright by me. If you're rich and sexy enough, you could pretty much eat a bald eagle with Hitler and I'd still give you a high five.

David and Victoria Beckham are suing their former nanny after she revealed their intimate secrets to a British newspaper. The Real Madrid soccer ace and his former Spice Girl wife have launched legal proceedings against former employee Abbie Gibson, after she told Britain's News of the World newspaper that the couple's six-year marriage was close to collapse

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie no longer friends

Paris Hilton told USA Today last week that Nicole Richie will be replaced on The Simple Life by her friend Kimberly Stewart, the daughter of singer Rod Stewart. "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends," Hilton said in a statement last Wednesday. "Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it." I'm not one to speculate, but I bet all the fighting has to do with Paris Hilton losing a "Biggest Whore" competition to Nicole Richie. You'd be surprised at how emotional people get over those competitions. Actually no. No you wouldn't.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner engaged

According to Star magazine, Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner after her 33rd birthday party last Saturday at her Brentwood home. He allegedly bought her a $500,000, 4.5-carat Harry Winston engagement ring, as compared to the 6.1-carat pink diamond ring from Winston which he had gotten for Jennifer Lopez. I guess this means Ben just doesn't love Jennifer as much as he loves Jennifer. Wait, what? I mean Jennifer and Ben aren't quite as Jennifer as Ben and Jennifer. Jennifer. Ben Jennifer. Bennifer. Shit!

Lindsay Lohan goes blonde

Lindsay Lohan has broken her promise to maintain her famous red hair forever - by dying it platinum blonde. However, Lohan's spokeswoman insists the teen singer/actress had no choice in the matter. She tells website Pagesix.com, "She only dyed it temporarily for a movie role. It's easier to do the real thing than wear a wig."

So does this mean Lindsay Lohan is an even bigger whore than she was before? Because that'd be a pretty amazing achievement, even for Lindsay. Although the level of whoreism that she might reach with this new blonde hair could very well destroy the Universe. I'm not sure how, but I bet it would involve big boobs and a lot of alcohol. And maybe a donkey. And a lot of whoring.