Johnny Knoxville is the daddy

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner engaged

According to Star magazine, Ben Affleck proposed to Jennifer Garner after her 33rd birthday party last Saturday at her Brentwood home. He allegedly bought her a $500,000, 4.5-carat Harry Winston engagement ring, as compared to the 6.1-carat pink diamond ring from Winston which he had gotten for Jennifer Lopez. I guess this means Ben just doesn't love Jennifer as much as he loves Jennifer. Wait, what? I mean Jennifer and Ben aren't quite as Jennifer as Ben and Jennifer. Jennifer. Ben Jennifer. Bennifer. Shit!

Lindsay Lohan goes blonde

Lindsay Lohan has broken her promise to maintain her famous red hair forever - by dying it platinum blonde. However, Lohan's spokeswoman insists the teen singer/actress had no choice in the matter. She tells website Pagesix.com, "She only dyed it temporarily for a movie role. It's easier to do the real thing than wear a wig."

So does this mean Lindsay Lohan is an even bigger whore than she was before? Because that'd be a pretty amazing achievement, even for Lindsay. Although the level of whoreism that she might reach with this new blonde hair could very well destroy the Universe. I'm not sure how, but I bet it would involve big boobs and a lot of alcohol. And maybe a donkey. And a lot of whoring.

Jennifer Aniston writes email

Chris Shelton arrested

Apprentice contestant Chris Shelton was arrested on a disorderly conduct charge at a competitor's casino during a break in taping of The Apprentice. The article states that he's a real estate millionaire so I don't really understand what he's doing on the show in the first place though. Why are millionaires choosing to go on a show where the prize is a low six-figure salary to work for a doofus like Donald Trump? That's like trading in a Ferrari for a Segway. Speaking of which, how come I don't have a Ferrari? It makes me cry at nights.

Shannen Elizabeth finds new boyfriend

Just a month after announcing her divorce from her actor hubby Joe Reitman, Shannen Elizabeth has a new man on her arm. The "American Pie" cutie was spotted canoodling in the VIP suite at Sunday's Wrestle Mania XXI at the Staples Center in L.A. with Blake Mitchell.

That's all fine and dandy, but what's up with her fingernails? Either keep them short or keep them long. None of this mix and match crap we've got going on here. I guess Shannen has to at least keep her pinky nail long though, to reach all that deep-rooted ear wax she has going on. And maybe I made that up, but maybe I didn't. It's a chance you'll just have to take.