Britney Spears and Kevin Federline get reality show

Britney Spears and hubby Kevin Federline have said "I do" to star in a UPN reality series that documents their courtship, engagement and wedding.

Why couldn't the incompetent program managers at UPN have picked this up while Britney Spears was still hot? Maybe it's just me, but I don't like watching shows with pregnant hillbillies in them. Unless they're naked and fondling farm animals. Now that I can get into.

*Update: Mentioned on the official Britney Spears site as well.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen sell apartment

Twin millionaires Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are selling their $7.3 million Manhattan apartment without having ever lived in it.

Wait wait wait, Mary-Kate and Ashley weren't even living in the $7 million penthouse that I was making fun of them for having? Then where the crap have these two little stick figures been living? On the streets? With hobos? Because if that's the case, I take back all the mean things I've ever said about these girls. Celebrities who can rough it on the streets with the homeless are okay in my book. I mean, as long as they don't start asking me for money and stuff. That's just awkward.

Ashton Kutcher pulls prank

Ashton Kutcher recently Punk'd Alias star Micahel Vartan, but Michael was so pissed about it that he wouldn't sign the release. The prank revolved around Michael getting on a private plane only to find out it was falling apart. A source says he threw a fit to get off, but the pilot and the flight attendants wouldn't let him. Yeah, that's a pretty lame prank. If I were in charge of the show, I would have a midget steal the celebrity's underwear and then once the celebrity started chasing after him I would have the midget shoot him in the belly. And then laugh. That would be a great prank. Funny too.

Kevin Federline loves Vegas

Kevin Federline reportedly left his three month pregnant wife Britney Spears at her brother's apartment in Santa Monica last weekend and headed to Vegas with his buddies where he partied at club Pure in the company of a woman who called herself a "VIP Escort." According to a witness, at one point the "escort" was sitting on Kevin's lap and he was sliding his hands all over her. Another source says Kevin refused to answer Britney's phone calls all weekend and reportedly told his friends, "If I ever get a divorce, I want to move to Vegas." Heck, why wait for the divorce? Although it would be difficult to leave Britney's new pregnant-woman breasts behind. Women are just more bearable when they've got a huge rack. It's like a law of physics or something.

View Britney Spears' New Pregnant-Woman Boobs [lsfw]

Ashton Kutcher wears stupid string bracelet

Test audiences apparently found the red Kabbalah string bracelet that Ashton Kutcher wears throughout Guess Who to be so annoying that the movie company had it digitally removed for $100,000. That's all good and well, but what was Ashton wearing the damn thing for in the first place? Last time I checked, actors didn't have a choice in their own wardrobe. What if Brad Pitt felt like wearing board shorts and a Hawaiian print shirt through the filming of Troy? Sure it might have made the movie more believable, but there's no place for that kind of independent thought by actors.

Mariah Carey orders life size cake

Mariah Carey celebrated her 35th birthday Saturday night with a life-size $9,500 cake modeled after herself. Mariah ordered a 5'9" sponge cake filled with praline butter crème to be delivered to her exclusive party at the London nightclub Tantra, and it took 17 chefs from Harrod's to create. There's a joke to be made here about Mariah being fat, but honestly she's looking pretty good these days. Clearly she's still insane though.