Kevin Federline loves Vegas

Kevin Federline reportedly left his three month pregnant wife Britney Spears at her brother's apartment in Santa Monica last weekend and headed to Vegas with his buddies where he partied at club Pure in the company of a woman who called herself a "VIP Escort." According to a witness, at one point the "escort" was sitting on Kevin's lap and he was sliding his hands all over her. Another source says Kevin refused to answer Britney's phone calls all weekend and reportedly told his friends, "If I ever get a divorce, I want to move to Vegas." Heck, why wait for the divorce? Although it would be difficult to leave Britney's new pregnant-woman breasts behind. Women are just more bearable when they've got a huge rack. It's like a law of physics or something.

View Britney Spears' New Pregnant-Woman Boobs [lsfw]

Ashton Kutcher wears stupid string bracelet

Test audiences apparently found the red Kabbalah string bracelet that Ashton Kutcher wears throughout Guess Who to be so annoying that the movie company had it digitally removed for $100,000. That's all good and well, but what was Ashton wearing the damn thing for in the first place? Last time I checked, actors didn't have a choice in their own wardrobe. What if Brad Pitt felt like wearing board shorts and a Hawaiian print shirt through the filming of Troy? Sure it might have made the movie more believable, but there's no place for that kind of independent thought by actors.

Mariah Carey orders life size cake

Mariah Carey celebrated her 35th birthday Saturday night with a life-size $9,500 cake modeled after herself. Mariah ordered a 5'9" sponge cake filled with praline butter crème to be delivered to her exclusive party at the London nightclub Tantra, and it took 17 chefs from Harrod's to create. There's a joke to be made here about Mariah being fat, but honestly she's looking pretty good these days. Clearly she's still insane though.

Britney Spears finds summer job

Britney Spears reportedly wants to spend the summer working as a waitress at her dad Jamie's fast-food restaurant. She supposedly spent a day in the kitchen recently, learning how to make the chili and smoothies. A source says she wants to work there twice a week during the summer and wanted to design her own waitress uniform. In fact, they say Britney seemed more excited about what she was going to wear than learning about making the smoothies. Although I don't see why anybody in their right mind wouldn't be excited about making chili and smoothies. That stuff is uh...exciting.

Lindsay Lohan's grandmother sucks

The "New York Post" reports that Lindsay Lohan's grandmother, Marilyn, is trying to cash in on her famous granddaughter. "Michael isn't making any money in jail so his mother is now selling video and photos of Lindsay as a child," said a source. "It's disgusting." A rep for Lindsay confirms the story, saying, "Lindsay's grandmother has been nothing but unsupportive of Dina (Lohan's mother) and the children and [is] doing her son's dirty work." As annoying as she is, I just can't help but feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. When your dad and your grandmother are huge lameasses, I guess the only option you have in life is to become a huge whore.

Britney Spears is three months pregnant

Is Britney Spears officially pregnant? The answer is maybe. According to Star, she should have been officially pregnant over the weekend but I didn't hear any big announcements or anything so I'm assuming Star is just up to their wild and crazy hijinks again. And by hijinks, I mean they do more speculation than I do. And considering my source is a talking raccoon that meets me out back every Tuesday night, I'd say that means they're pretty damn unreliable. Not that anybody even cares about Britney Spears anymore or her new gigantic boobs.