Pat O'Brien is so screwed

If I was Pat O'Brien, I'd seriously consider moving to Mexico or Japan or a cave in the mountains. After revelations of a voice mail conversation in which he asks a woman for a threesome and drugs, there seems to be a matter of an embarrassing photograph that could surface. Word has it that the woman named Betsy, whom O’Brien referred to in his phone call, has an ex-husband who supposedly has a photo of O’Brien having sex, not in a threesome, not in a twosome, but in a one-some. The ex-husband doesn’t need the money, but considering his ex left him for O’Brien, he may leak the photo just to get even. And if that wasn't bad enough, sources say O'Brien was reprimanded several times for sexual harassment during his days at "Access Hollywood." Reports are that O'Brien actually licked co-host Nancy O'Dell's face and grabbed reporter Shaun Robinson's butt at an "Access Hollywood" Christmas party. He also allegedly made lewd comments to a gay male producer. His people won’t confirm or deny the rumors and O’Brien is unable comment since he's in rehab, but I always like to believe that every rumor I hear is true. Especially if it involves pictures of a weird moustached old man masturbating.

Download Pat O'Brien's Dirty Voicemail [nsfw]

Ryan Seacrest starts fashion line

If you've ever wanted to dress like Ryan Seacrest, kill yourself now's your chance. Apparently Ryan designs some of his own clothing and is starting a new high-end fashion line. The details are being kept under wraps, but the first items will be out in a couple of months. Now I'm not one to judge, but I think it's safe to say that anybody who buys any piece of Ryan Seacrest clothing deserves to be stabbed to death. And then maybe peed on.

Mariah Carey needs more sex partners

Regarding her marriage to music biz honcho Tommy Mottola, Mariah Carey says that the wedding may have been lavish, "But no one saw me on the honeymoon, running down the beach, miserable, crying and alone." Mariah goes on to say, "My relationship with my husband was not a physical relationship. It just wasn't. I still have nightmares about it." In the meantime, Mariah says she can still count on one hand how many sex partners she's had, although she adds that, "I would like to be more experienced. I feel like in certain relationships, had I been more experienced, maybe things would have been different." I'm not sure how sleeping with more guys can improve somebody's marriage, but at least Mariah has huge boobs. And really, isn't that what marriage is all about? Big beautiful breasts? It sure is. It sure is....

Christina Aguilera loses clothing line

Christina Aguilera's been axed from a fashion label after slating celebs who push their own clothing ranges. The singer was due to launch her own line with company Basic Box, but her multi-million contract was terminated after she called celebrity lines "tacky".

Probably for the best, considering Christina Aguilera's strange taste in everything. Her clothing line would've probably been something along the lines of an eye patch and pirate hat. With a talking parrot. And treasure. Argggh! I'm a pirate!

And for no good reason, here's a gallery of Christina Aguilera looking terrible with black hair. Unfortunately for her, only Black people and Asians can pull off having black hair. White people just end up looking like goths which, unless you're an idiot, is a bad thing.

Ashton Kutcher still not pregnant

The Star is sticking to their story that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are expecting a baby despite Ashton's denial. They say Moore is eight weeks along and due in October and that she got the word on March 4 at the Women's Care of Beverly Hills clinic and immediately quit smoking. Demi's people say it's not true, but those are some pretty damn specific details for something that's not true. And because people didn't respond well to Brad Pitt in a dress, here's a picture of Ashton Kutcher's hairy nipple from Complex magazine. Sometimes I orgasm just thinking about all the hair on that nipple. Wait, did I say that out loud? Crap.

Britanny Murphy not on cocaine

Brittany Murphy says she has never snorted cocaine before and that it isn't the reason she's gotten so skinny. She insists, "I have never tried it in my entire life. I've never seen it. I am also way too high-strung. I can't even take a Sudafed. Can you imagine? My God, I think my heart would explode!" Have you ever seen this girl in real life? I think she's serious about the heart exploding thing. She's like a really hyper version of that Taco Bell dog that everybody hates. Anyways, after her breakup with Ashton Kutcher and broken engagement to an industry big-wig, she says she's now dating a normal guy from Brooklyn which she met when he was hired to hang Christmas lights at her house. Although I'm not sure when hanging Christmas lights turned into a profession. That's a job I think I could see myself doing. Ya know, if I was an idiot.