Ashton Kutcher says Demi Moore not pregnant

Responding to rumors that 42 year old Demi Moore is pregnant with his child, Ashton Kutcher said, quote, "Why am I the last person to know everything? If Demi is pregnant, she's certainly not showing yet. So, that would be news to me." Apparently the only way Ashton Kutcher would find out if he impregnated Demi Moore would be if she was showing. None of this communicating with your partner crap. If you don't look pregnant, you're not pregnant. A policy I've lived by all my life.

Lindsay Lohan denies grope-fest with Bruce Willis

Lindsay Lohan's rep insists that Lindsay wasn't messing around with Bruce Willis as reported in "The New York Post" last Thursday. The rep says they were hanging out together at a party following the premiere of his new movie "Hostage", but they were not groping each other. Lindsay's rep also wants everyone to know that Lindsay's tattoo is on her lower back and not her right butt cheek, and that it says La Bella Vita (The Beautiful Life) and not La Bella Vista (The Beautiful View) as claimed by the person who supposedly watched Bruce's hands work her jeans down low enough to display the tattoo. I guess this means Lindsay Lohan isn't a whore anymore. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

Cameron Diaz falls down

Cameron Diaz was rushed to a hospital after she fell from a chest of drawers and knocked herself unconscious. She was reportedly standing on the furniture to reach the top of a wardrobe when she slipped and hit her head. Justin Timberlake found her passed out on the floor and bleeding badly from a head wound. Paramedics at the scene thought Cameron had broken her back and rushed her to the hospital, but she ended up being treated for a back strain and received 19 stitches in her head. I don't even know what I'd do if I found Cameron Diaz lying passed out and bleeding on my floor. The only thing that comes to mind right now is poking her with a stick. I mean that's what you're supposed to do with people that have passed out right? Poke them with sticks?

Bruce Willis and Lindsay Lohan get gropey

Action hero Bruce Willis got some action of a different kind after the screening of his new blood-and-guts flick, "Hostage." At an after-after-party at the Peninsula Hotel early yesterday, Willis, who turns 50 this month, and teen queen Lindsay Lohan, 18, enjoyed a mutual gropefest. "At one point, Bruce had Lindsay's pants down far enough to reveal a tattoo that said 'La Bella Vista' (The Beautiful View) on her right cheek," says our spywitness. Eventually, Willis and a few friends, including Lohan, took the party upstairs to his suite.

I'm all for gossip, but there's no way this can be true. What would 49 year old Bruce Willis be doing with 18 year old Lindsay Lohan? It just doesn't make sense! I mean except for that whole sex thing...I guess that sort of makes sense.

Britney Spears poses topless for Allure

Britney Spears is planning to bare all for the cover of a US fashion magazine. The 23-year-old pop princess will appear topless, except for a necklace given to her by hubby Kevin Federline, for Allure magazine.

Did anybody anywhere think for an instant that Britney Spears posing topless actually meant that she would be posing topless? Because if they did then they're an idiot. And that's the end of that! Well except for the fact that the necklace Kevin Federline got for her is the ugliest piece of crap I've ever seen. It makes me sad that we live in a world where giving somebody a giant piece of crap qualifies as a respectable gift from husband to wife. Or should I say hobo to hobette? Because Britney Spears is clearly a hobette if ever I saw one. And if you don't know what a hobette is, maybe you should start making up words like me. Then perhaps your mother will start loving you again.

This video of Britney fully clothed is even hotter than the supposed topless photoshoot. Courtesy of Hedonistica.

Victoria Beckham buys jewelry for son

For her son's sixth birthday, Victoria Beckham bought Brooklyn a pair of diamond earrings worth $47,500. She wanted him to have a pair that matched his father's diamond earrings which were made for him by Jacob the Jeweler for $142,500. So basically, Victoria Beckham is very expensively trying to turn her family into women. Sounds like a plan to me!