Britney Spears poses topless for Allure

Britney Spears is planning to bare all for the cover of a US fashion magazine. The 23-year-old pop princess will appear topless, except for a necklace given to her by hubby Kevin Federline, for Allure magazine.

Did anybody anywhere think for an instant that Britney Spears posing topless actually meant that she would be posing topless? Because if they did then they're an idiot. And that's the end of that! Well except for the fact that the necklace Kevin Federline got for her is the ugliest piece of crap I've ever seen. It makes me sad that we live in a world where giving somebody a giant piece of crap qualifies as a respectable gift from husband to wife. Or should I say hobo to hobette? Because Britney Spears is clearly a hobette if ever I saw one. And if you don't know what a hobette is, maybe you should start making up words like me. Then perhaps your mother will start loving you again.

This video of Britney fully clothed is even hotter than the supposed topless photoshoot. Courtesy of Hedonistica.

Victoria Beckham buys jewelry for son

For her son's sixth birthday, Victoria Beckham bought Brooklyn a pair of diamond earrings worth $47,500. She wanted him to have a pair that matched his father's diamond earrings which were made for him by Jacob the Jeweler for $142,500. So basically, Victoria Beckham is very expensively trying to turn her family into women. Sounds like a plan to me!

Lindsay Lohan denies anorexia

Lindsay Lohan is denying reports that she's suffering from anorexia, claiming that her appetite is far more healthy than most of her fellow actresses. Lindsay complains, "Even the doctor was like, 'Are you anorexic? Are you making yourself throw up? Are drugs involved?'" Lindsay says she's simply going through hormonal changes and losing her baby fat. Regarding a July 2003 "Vanity Fair" photo shoot with the Olsen twins, Mandy Moore and Hilary Duff, Lindsay says nobody but her was eating that day. She says, "I was going straight to the pasta, and the other girls were eating salad. And, I'm the one people say has an eating disorder..." I don't know where this whole eating disorder rumor started from though. By all accounts, Lindsay Lohan is still fat.

Kirsten Dunst is a vampire

It may or may not be illegal to kill people when they’re as awful as Kirsten Dunst. I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. But if it is, I’ll just roll up in court with this picture, and when the judge says, “why did you do it,” I’ll walk over to the jury with the picture behind my back and say, “Because your honor, Kirsten Dunst … was a Werewolf!” And I'll whip the picture out and everyone will gasp, and the judge will say, “Don’t you mean Vampire.” And I’ll say, “hey look man, whatever.”

Thanks to the beautiful and talented Sara for the link.

Lindsay Lohan has ugly friends

An anonymous reader writes in:

I was clubbin in NYC when Linsday Lohan was invited to our table by my guy friend. Well she hated me straight off the bat (maybe because im skinnier so ha!) but she had a massive beer belly and a posse of red-headed friends. Then I overheard her saying to my guy friend who had asked why her friends were so ugly.. "Well, if I have uglier friends than I look hotter." OK! Isn't she just a sweet little peach?

Sadly, not even Lindsay Lohan's ugly friends can cover up the fact that she's a fat freckled mess. With a fucked up father. And big boobs. And money. And every other guy's penis inside her vagina.

Quentin Tarantino directs finale of CSI

Quentin Tarantino has signed on to direct the May 19th season finale of CBS's "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation". Tarantino also came up with the episode's storyline, which will put one of the key members of the CSI team in danger. Details are sketchy, but it might also involve a bunch of guys in suits doing a lot of shooting and maybe a kung fu master doing kung fu. And a sodomy scene. There'll definitely be a sodomy scene.