Jessica Alba is fun

Lindsay Lohan has ugly friends

An anonymous reader writes in:

I was clubbin in NYC when Linsday Lohan was invited to our table by my guy friend. Well she hated me straight off the bat (maybe because im skinnier so ha!) but she had a massive beer belly and a posse of red-headed friends. Then I overheard her saying to my guy friend who had asked why her friends were so ugly.. "Well, if I have uglier friends than I look hotter." OK! Isn't she just a sweet little peach?

Sadly, not even Lindsay Lohan's ugly friends can cover up the fact that she's a fat freckled mess. With a fucked up father. And big boobs. And money. And every other guy's penis inside her vagina.

Quentin Tarantino directs finale of CSI

Quentin Tarantino has signed on to direct the May 19th season finale of CBS's "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation". Tarantino also came up with the episode's storyline, which will put one of the key members of the CSI team in danger. Details are sketchy, but it might also involve a bunch of guys in suits doing a lot of shooting and maybe a kung fu master doing kung fu. And a sodomy scene. There'll definitely be a sodomy scene.

Fred Durst's Hacked Sex Pictures and Video

What's with celebrities and their Sidekicks and their Sidekicks getting hacked? Not that I'm complaining, because I always enjoy seeing Fred Durst's weiner, but maybe I'm lying and I don't enjoy seeing his weiner at all. Yeah, that's the one. Anyways, if you're a celebrity and you use a cellphone, most likely somebody is trying/going to hack it, so try not to take pictures of yourself naked or having sex. Unless you want that kind of thing published, in which case go right ahead. Because there's nothing more satisfying than having the entire world looking at your genitalia.

Fred Durst's Hacked Sex Pictures and Video (nsfw - spyware/adware warning)

*Edit: I had a hanging sentence at the end of the post that said "Except for a nice slice of cheesecake and maybe a cup" I can't remember why I didn't finish the sentence but I'm sure it involved naked supermodels.

Beyonce Bouncing

I don't want to sound like some sort of pervert, but this slow motion video of Beyonce dancing is one of the most hypnotic things I've ever seen. I should pretend to make this post newsworthy by mentioning that she'll be performing at the Oscars with Josh Groban on the Oscar-nominated song Believe from the animated film The Polar Express, but neither of us care about that. The only thing we're interested in is watching Beyonce bounce like a great big bouncing ball of bounce ball. Geez, did I just type "bounce ball"? All the bouncing is screwing with my brain.

Watch Beyonce Bouncing [wmv]

Site News

Clearly there were some very serious problems with the server, considering the site has been inaccessible for the majority of the past week. Well the server has been upgraded to a great big monster of a thing so all that downtime you've been experiencing should be a thing of the past. And if not, I'm ready and willing to provide you oral sex to make up for it. And this, my friends, is why my mother is so ashamed of me.

In other news, if you haven't noticed we've picked up a new contributing editor to The Superficial. Brendon Donnelly of The Santas Little Helper has been here a little over a week now, and he's every bit as fantastic as he promised me in bed. So remember, send all that hatemail to brendon@thesuperficial.com or use the super fantastic contact form.