Lohans dad out of his damn mind. Allegedly.

Beyonce Bouncing

I don't want to sound like some sort of pervert, but this slow motion video of Beyonce dancing is one of the most hypnotic things I've ever seen. I should pretend to make this post newsworthy by mentioning that she'll be performing at the Oscars with Josh Groban on the Oscar-nominated song Believe from the animated film The Polar Express, but neither of us care about that. The only thing we're interested in is watching Beyonce bounce like a great big bouncing ball of bounce ball. Geez, did I just type "bounce ball"? All the bouncing is screwing with my brain.

Watch Beyonce Bouncing [wmv]

Site News

Clearly there were some very serious problems with the server, considering the site has been inaccessible for the majority of the past week. Well the server has been upgraded to a great big monster of a thing so all that downtime you've been experiencing should be a thing of the past. And if not, I'm ready and willing to provide you oral sex to make up for it. And this, my friends, is why my mother is so ashamed of me.

In other news, if you haven't noticed we've picked up a new contributing editor to The Superficial. Brendon Donnelly of The Santas Little Helper has been here a little over a week now, and he's every bit as fantastic as he promised me in bed. So remember, send all that hatemail to brendon@thesuperficial.com or use the super fantastic contact form.

Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick Gets Hacked

Looks like 510 people are going to be having to change their phone numbers and email addresses, seeing as how Paris Hilton's T-Mobile Sidekick got hacked over the weekend and now her entire phone book and camera phone pictures are plastered all over the internet. I think it's safe to say that Lindsay Lohan's voice mail is filled with all sorts of derogatory garbage left by dumb folks like me. Although I personally don't think "Hey Lindsay you're stupid and have big boobs" is derogatory. Then again, I'm an asshole. Other notable numbers include Christina Aguilera, Ashley Olsen, Fred Durst, and Eminem just to name a few. If you've ever wanted to get in touch with these people's voice messages, now's your opportunity. And if you've ever wanted to see low resolution camera phone pictures of Paris Hilton making out with some random girl, this is your opportunity as well. Looks like a pretty big day for celebrity stalkers everywhere.

View Paris Hilton's Address Book [Mirror]
View Paris Hilton's Notes
View Paris Hilton's Camera Phone Photos (nsfw) [Mirror]

*Update: The unidentified girl that Paris is making out has been identified as Nicole Lenz Eglantina Zingg of Playboy Latin America's MTV fame . Whee!

Gwen Stefani

Why do photographers always feel the need to be artsy and make perfectly nice looking women look like crap? Sure they dolled up Gwen Stefani all nice like, but they made the Asian Munchkins look like scary clown whores. It's also a nice touch that they put Gwen on humongous platforms to make the Asian women seem even smaller than they already are. There's really nothing quite as sexy as an Asian midget clown whore. Except for me. But I'm the living definition of sexy, so that's not really fair to the Asian midget clown whores.

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Lindsay Lohan Lip Syncs

In the most unsurprising story of the year, Linsdsay Lohan is a
lip syncing maniac. Although she doesn't jig quite as well as Ashlee Simpson, I think I prefer her insane flopping around. Something about the way she stomps in place and mouths her lyrics completely out of sync that really shows her range as a performer. I'm not sure where this video is from but judging by the crowd of 12-year old girls, I probably don't care.

Watch Lindsay Lohan Lip Syncing Video (wmv)