Tara Reid is a Genius

“I am a very smart girl, and people don't realize that … People think I am America's party girl, which is just stupid.”

Well then, I don’t know what kind of tricky shit the paparazzi is trying to pull, posting these pictures of Tara Reid leaving the Spyder club in Hollywood at 4am last week. I'm not sure what the Spyder club is exactly, but apparently it's some sort of library for super smart people because her eyes are bloodshot and she’s so exhausted she has to be helped to her car. Poor little lamb must have been up reading half the night. Oh, and that beach must be some sort of library too. But that’s not what those punk-ass photographers would have you think. Leave my little angel alone, you bastards!

Halle Berry

So apparently Halle Berry won't be wearing million dollar shoes to the Academy Awards. Someone must have pointed out it's bad form to have a million dollars on your god-damn feet while at the same time wearing a black ribbon to show your “concern” over the mountain of dead in Indonesia. But the real victim here is me, cause I’d already written a brilliantly funny follow-up to my original article. And since I’m too lazy to write something new, I’m posting it anyway. (after the jump)

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Scarlett Johansson

I really need to have my entourage arrange a meeting with Scarlett Johansson, because my crush on her is just about out of control. I’m actually a little surprised she hasn’t made the first move, because I’ve been downloading as much porn as I can and then masturbating, but, it turns out, that's not as enticing to the ladies as you might think. I don’t know if she’s just stuck up or what, but…

Wait, what? Oh, yeah, I guess I need to make this newsworthy, so I’ll just mention that she signed on to star in Mission Impossible 3 and then post some pictures.

More pix after the jump (Ha! Pix! With an ‘x’! Oh have you ever…)

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Jack Osbourne Wants To Be Fireman

Reality TV star Jack Osbourne is giving up showbiz to become a firefighter in New York. "I'm enrolling on a firefighting course this summer in New York. I'm serious. It's something I've always thought about but now is definitely the time to do it."

Don't you have to be in pretty good shape to be a firefighter? Or at least not have the body of a giant walking potato? I think if Jack Osbourne showed up to fight my fire I'd start laughing. And then I'd kick him in the nuts for having terrible hair.

Marcia Cross Not Gay

"In response to the recent rumors about Marcia Cross, they are completely untrue," says a statement from Cross's publicist, Heidi Lopata Slan. "She is, however, very supportive of the gay and lesbian community."

Not like anybody cared anyways. The only lesbians I'm interested in are the hot ones. With big breasts. That pose for Playboy. And aren't lesbians. Wait, what?

Drew Barrymore Grows Hair

You wanna know what's more disgusting than being fat? Armpit hair. It's not even like Drew Barrymore was all that great to start out with but now she's just crossed over into totally disgusting. Sure she's cute and has the weirdest Jay Leno chin of all the female celebrities, but that's not enough to pull off letting your armpit hair grow out. Maybe if Gisele Bundchen did it okay. Whatever. She can do whatever she wants because she destroys civilizations with her beauty. Last time I checked, Drew Barrymore doesn't destroy civilizations with her beauty.

Read Drew makes a fuzz [The Sun]