Scarlett Johansson

Jack Osbourne Wants To Be Fireman

Reality TV star Jack Osbourne is giving up showbiz to become a firefighter in New York. "I'm enrolling on a firefighting course this summer in New York. I'm serious. It's something I've always thought about but now is definitely the time to do it."

Don't you have to be in pretty good shape to be a firefighter? Or at least not have the body of a giant walking potato? I think if Jack Osbourne showed up to fight my fire I'd start laughing. And then I'd kick him in the nuts for having terrible hair.

Marcia Cross Not Gay

"In response to the recent rumors about Marcia Cross, they are completely untrue," says a statement from Cross's publicist, Heidi Lopata Slan. "She is, however, very supportive of the gay and lesbian community."

Not like anybody cared anyways. The only lesbians I'm interested in are the hot ones. With big breasts. That pose for Playboy. And aren't lesbians. Wait, what?

Drew Barrymore Grows Hair

You wanna know what's more disgusting than being fat? Armpit hair. It's not even like Drew Barrymore was all that great to start out with but now she's just crossed over into totally disgusting. Sure she's cute and has the weirdest Jay Leno chin of all the female celebrities, but that's not enough to pull off letting your armpit hair grow out. Maybe if Gisele Bundchen did it okay. Whatever. She can do whatever she wants because she destroys civilizations with her beauty. Last time I checked, Drew Barrymore doesn't destroy civilizations with her beauty.

Read Drew makes a fuzz [The Sun]

Hilary Duff Condom Fake

These images have been making their way around the internet so I felt maybe I should point out that they're fake. Like I said before, I'm only interested in fakes that put penises on celebrities' noses. Otherwise, just forget about it. And I know some people must get off on the idea of Hilary Duff owning a condom, but that's just sad. She's underage and she's a giant rectangle. And nobody wants to have sex with an underaged rectangle. Except for me. But that's because I'm a real sick bastard.

Halle Berry Wears Expensive Shoes

For the Academy Awards, Halle Berry will be wearing a $1 million pair of shoes being loaned to her by Los Angeles designer Stuart Weitzman. The shoes are encrusted with more than 400 round and pear-shaped diamonds. Personally, I'm not sure I would be comfortable wearing shoes that cost more than my car. Or my house. My God those shoes are worth more than my damn house. What have I been doing with my life? *Sob sob*