That 70's Show Returns

Although Topher Grace and Ashton Kutcher are moving on, FOX is continuing with an eighth season of That 70's Show. The president of FOX entertainment admits ratings have been "down this season a little bit." But, she says "the show still has life in it." And that, my friends, is why the president of FOX entertainment needs to get her ass fired. Airing a show until you've squeezed all the life out of it is the business practice of a woman that has no idea what she's doing. And anybody that would approve another season of American Idol needs to reexamine whether or not they should be living.

Kevin Federline Racially Confused

Reader Suzie writes in "Kevin [Federline] got tired of having a hairstyle that required shampooing so now he sports corn rows. Not only is it low maintenance, it'll definitely fool people into thinking he's black which will help him launch his new rap career." Speaking of which, why hasn't an actual black person murdered Kevin Federline yet?

*Edit: Link removed due to an overwhelming abundance of spyware/adware.

Angelina Jolie Denies

Angelina Jolie continues to refute claims that she broke up Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, saying she was merely a "shoulder to cry on" for Brad on the set of their movie "Mr. And Mrs. Smith." Anglina says they became close while filming the movie but that she never had an affair with him. However, she did reveal that Brad was crying on her shoulder because he was bummed that Jennifer Aniston was reluctant to start a family. And in case you're wondering, "crying on her shoulder" is celebrity code for "having anal sex and snorting coke."

50 Cent Hires Guards

50 Cent is so terrified of being murdered by his enemies that he's hired 100 bodyguards to protect him at all times. 50 reportedly even wears a bulletproof vest in bed and he won't leave his home unless he's surrounded by his entourage. Apparently he's afraid of a repeat of an incident five years ago when a gunman shot him nine times. And I guess being shot nine times is as good an excuse as any to be out-of-your-mind paranoid.

Tobey Maguire Too Fat

Tobey Maguire was supposed to introduce the clip of "The Aviator" at the Golden Globes Sunday night but dropped out at the very last minute because he's supposedly overweight right now and his handlers didn't want him out in public until he lost the fat. Producers scrambled and got Orlando Bloom at the last minute. Hehe. Tobey Maguire is too fat to go out in public. That's funny.

New DVD's This Week

1. Catwoman -- It's kind of amazing that a movie can feature Halle Berry in skin tight leather and still suck so hard. It's even more amazing that I actually watched this piece of crap. To be fair though, I saw it on a plane.

2. Cellular -- It's about time somebody made a movie about cell phones.

3. The Forgotten -- This was good up until the last 20 minutes.

4. Friday Night Lights -- They need to stop making highschool football movies. Yes I get it, very moving, very inspirational. I don't care.