Eva Longoria

It's amazing how the wrong top can make even the skinniest of women look fat. Eva Longoria has got a frame that even anorectics would envy, but that floofy top makes her look like she's pregnant or something. So let this be a lesson to all you women out there, stay away from the floofy tops. Unless, of course, the floofy top happens to be see-through. In which case, wear it with all the confidence in the world. See-through clothing is awesome.

Britney Spears Writes Poem

If ever there was any doubt that Britney Spears is the greatest poet in the world, then this little diddy should put all those concerns to rest. Move over Pablo Neruda and make room for a poet that actually has talent.

Honeymoon Poem

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

~ Britney [via britneyspears.org -- thanks Caroline]

Christina Aguilera Summer Tour 2004

Reader Laura writes in: I love Christina Aguilera. She makes my imaginary penis very happy. However, as much as I would love to hump Miss Aguilera repeatedly, sometimes I wonder what the hell she is thinking. As of this moment I am quite undecided on this photoshoot. Artsy, yes. Hot? Maybe not. Unless you like your women with 20's-style-moustaches.

Personally, I like my women with 80's pornstar-style moustaches. You know the kind I'm talking about. Those sleazy looking things that Ron Jeremy likes to sport. But on a woman. Hot!

View Christina Aguilera Summer Tour 2004 Photoshoot

Nicky Hilton Annulment

On Tuesday, a Las Vegas judge granted Nicky Hilton and her husband of 86 days, Todd Meister, the annulment they were seeking. Just curious, but do any famous people ever stay married anymore? Or is that just for us regular folk who don't drink champagne for breakfast and take dumps on solid gold toilets? Anyways, in a joint statement, Hilton and Meister said they remain "good friends." Yay, they're still friends. Yay, nobody cares.

*Note: To help reduce confusion, the first picture is of Nikki Hilton with Tom Ford, the fashion designer, and not her fake husband Todd Meister. -- thanks Ellen

Star Jones Changes Name

As of November 13th, Star Jones will be no more. This Saturday, Star will become Mrs. Al Reynolds, and she sent out an email informing everyone at The View that she's taking her husband's name personally and professionally. She wants to be called Star Reynolds and is dropping Jones completely. Not that it matters, because America will continue to refer to her as "that fat black chick on The View."

Paris Hilton Groped At Halloween Party

Star tabloid says that Paris stormed out of Hugh Hefner's annual Halloween Party at the Playboy Mansion just 90 minutes after she had arrived because as she was making her way through a haunted house, some employee dressed as a ghoul allegedly jumped out and grabbed her inappropriately. A witness says Paris shouted for help and demanded to "file a complaint against the mansion." A Playboy Mansion security guard told Paris that having someone jump out and grab her was supposed to be part of the experience, but Paris still wasn't happy about it and jumped into her limo and took off. Meanwhile, a Playboy spokesman has a different take on the story. He says there was no groping and that Paris just got ticked off and left because a male friend of hers got thrown out of the party for fighting.

I don't know about you, but I'd like to be part of this "Halloween experience" where you get to grope Paris Hilton inappropriately. Except maybe replace Paris Hilton with Alessandra Ambrosio and replace 'grope inappropriately' with 'have ferocious sex with.' Good times.