Katie Holmes

What the heck happened to Katie Holmes? When she started off on Dawson's Creek she was this cute little fresh faced girl and then throughout the years she slowly started drooping, turning her face into a perpetual frown and her body into a perpetual...sag? I can see why people would find her to be attractive, but she's just too droopy for my tastes. I like my women firm, like ripe grapefruits or Brad Pitt's sweet ass. Wait, what? I mean uh...I love sexy women!

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Alicia Keys

I couldn't decide before whether or not I thought Alicia Keys was actually pretty or just pretty because she was all glammed up. She definitely has a pretty face and a decent body, but I'm going to have to disagree with her hair on this one. And not just the curly mess on her head, but those little sprouts on her chest as well. I don't know about you, but I've always found chest hair on a woman to be a major turnoff. Maybe I'm just a sexy sexist pig, but I'm a firm believer that chest hair goes on the man and not the woman, and even then it's not really a good thing. At least she can like play the piano and stuff.

View Alicia Keys Chest Hair

Gisele Bundchen

Michelle Trachtenberg

Remember in Eurotrip when Michelle got wasted on absinthe and started making out with her twin brother? That was good times, man. I guess when you're running out of ideas for a story, you can just throw in a little incest action and call it a day. Anyways, the only thing Eurotrip was missing (besides hardcore incestuous sex) was Michelle's nipples. Unfortunately for her, real life isn't as editable as film so here's a fun little glimpse of her nipple popping out. I never know whether to consider pictures like these nudity or not so I'll just throw in a 'nsfw' and let you decide for yourself.

View Michelle Trachtenberg Nipple Slip (nsfw)

The Superficial News

- Paris Hilton is reportedly the star of a second steamy homemade porn and drugs video. The blonde heiress...has now been caught getting down and dirty with ex-boyfriends Nick Carter and Jason Shaw. [Read]

- This is the chunky lesbian lover of glamorous Sex And The City star Cynthia Nixon. Red-haired Christine Marinoni is pictured for the first time wearing a man’s lumberjack-style checked shirt and a tank top. [Read]

- MTV reality stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are allegedly considering ending their marriage because the former 98 Degrees hunk is sick of her "dumb blonde" behavior. [Read] -- I smell bullshit

- Legendary ladies' man Jack Nicholson has set his sights on a new conquest - model Kate Moss. The smooth-talking 68-year-old actor is said to be smitten with the British beauty and is intent on taking things further, despite her tender age of 31. [Read]

Heather Locklear

I'm not even going to pretend I understand how Heather Locklear manages to look so good for her age. I would normally go with the typical "she's a vampire" hypothesis, but I've yet to see a vampire with hair as blonde and a face as beautiful as Heather's. Most vampires I come across look like really ugly versions of Angelina Jolie during her creepy years. Man, I'm so glad she got over that creepy phase and blossomed into her "I'm super fucking hot" phase. That phase kicks so much ass.