Kirsten Dunst

Fellow Kirsten Dunst hater Nicole writes in that the September '04 issue of Allure features a brilliantly stupid interview with everybody's favorite troll, including such classic quotes as "That’s when I had a perfect body, and yet I was self conscious about it. But look at me – that’s a hot just-becoming-a-woman body." and "I think I make a very hot cheerleader." Ah yes, there's nothing more attractive than a troll that thinks it's beautiful. I would have felt bad for making fun of her if she thought she was ugly, but apparently the freak actually thinks she's hot. And I'm desperately trying to see what everybody else is seeing, but I can't get past her little pebble teeth and her pathetic excuse for lips. The best thing about her is her haircut, and that's only because it makes her look like a little boy, which is more convincing than trying to pass her off as a woman. If you find Kirsten Dunst attractive, then you're going to have to leave this site and never come back. Ever. You're also going to have to punch yourself in the kidneys for having such terrible taste.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton has her very own section at Amazon.com and it's every bit as awesome as you would imagine it to be. I can only hope that one of these days I'll do so little with my life that Amazon will want to give me my very own section as well. I won't have such classy items as the Swarovski Crystal Cross though, so that'll probably never happen. A boy can always dream.

View The Paris Hilton Collection -- thanks Mark

*UPDATE: Apparently Paris Hilton wore a see through dress to the VMA's. Yay, how exciting. Now if only we could find a video of her having sex and sucking some guy's weiner.

Las Vegas

Hope you guys didn't miss me too much. To be more accurate about the circumstances of my absence, I did manage to locate internet access at my hotel, it just happened to cost a face punching $10 for 5 minutes. I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend $10 on a prostitute than to update a website. And speaking of prostitutes, after a couple of days in Nevada, I'm of the firm belief that Las Vegas needs more hooker flyers. Sure, they cover every single phone booth and bus stop and homeless man in the city, but there's just not enough of them. I need as much selection as possible in my prostitutes, and it's up to those flyers to keep me informed of my options. More hooker flyers!

MIA

Our regular editor is currently on vacation, where he was expecting to have regular internet access at his hotel. Unfortunately this is not the case, and thus updates will be erratic, if at all, for the next few days.

Paris Hilton

At the ripe old age of 23, Paris Hilton has decided to bless the world with a 198-page memoir. It's probably safe to say that rounding up every person that buys this book and shooting them into the sun wouldn't exactly be a bad thing. I'm actually pretty sure it would raise the global IQ by about 300%.

Read Article [Paris Hilton to Publish 198-Page Memoir]

*UPDATE: Wearing the same skirt twice? Shocking!

Britney Spears

"Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are hoping the new mansion they've just purchased will be ready in time for their wedding. It could take a while, because it takes a long time to weld together a hundred trailer homes."

Graham Norton is funny for a gay guy. Then again, he's also insanely annoying and has a terrible laugh. Did I mention that he has a terrible laugh? Because he has a terrible laugh.