The Superficial Dirt

-- Ashlee Simpson has vowed to keep her rack under wraps and never expose herself in a men's magazine. Ashlee told "Blender" magazine that she is proud of her ample chest, but is too conservative to expose them to the media.

-- Those rumors about Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston adopting a baby are getting stronger. This time it's Brad's younger brother, Doug, that told a British tabloid he's looking forward to becomming an uncle saying, "We're delighted that Brad and Jen are adopting. It will be a great addition to the family." The couple is also reported to be house hunting in England.

-- Rodney Dangerfield underwent a seven-hour operation yesterday to replace a heart valve. A spokesman says Rodney made it through surgery and is currently resting comfortably in intensive care. Dangerfield is expected to be hospitalized about a week and should be able to return to work in about two months, to the dismay of little children everywhere.

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Dr. Dre

Dr. Dre's wife is ugly. Maybe her and Jay Leno should get together and have the biggest chinned child ever. They could call him Chintar the Conqueror of Faces.

Britney Spears

Nice shirt, Britney. It's hard to tell whether or not she has implants from these pictures, but I'm sure people will use them for both sides of the argument. That is, if anybody even cares about that anymore. I think people are more interested in the fact that she's become a trailer trash whore now.

Britney Spears

Yeah...

Oprah Winfrey

[Oprah] Winfrey asked the other jurors to sing whenever she went to the bathroom attached to the jury room to drown out the noise. [Read]

I guess being a billionaire doesn't save you the embarrassment of having other people hear you take a shit. If I had a billion dollars, I'd just have my own personal soundproof bathroom be escorted with me wherever I went. I'd also hire a bunch of white people to be my slaves to make up for all the racial injustices that Black people have experienced. And then I'd buy Disneyland.

Masuimi Max

Judging by Dave Navarro's success with Carmen Electra and this schmuck's luck with Masuimi Max, I think it's safe to say that the path towards marrying a hot chick is to grow hideous facial hair and get tons of ugly tatoos. Seriously, how is it that these guys are managing to land such out-of-their-league women? For somebody as hot as Masuimi Max to fall for a guy as ugly as Joe Schmoe, he better have a monster of a personality. Either that, or a giant penis. Ya know, whatever. -- thanks Christina

Visit Official Masuimi Max Site (nudity)