Jessica Simpson

Britney Spears

Who knew that posing with your fiance's illegitimate child could be such a pleasant experience? I would have figured Britney to at least strike the child, or maybe choke it a little. And I know little Kori is a bit young to be picked on, but she has got to be one of the ugliest babies I have ever seen. Then again, her mom didn't exactly win at the whole DNA game either. In fact, she very much lost at that game.

Charlotte Church

Party-loving Charlotte Church goes over the top on yet another wild night on the town. The Voice Of An Angel star went drinking in London and was so legless she had to be driven between bars. [read]

If there's anything I've learned in all my years as an opera singer, it's that fat opera singing women love their food. It shouldn't be any surprise that after Charlotte's forced diet, she probably just lost her mind and started drinking and showing off her boobs. You take away an opera singer's food and they pretty much have nothing else to live for. Sure, they've got that whole "singing" thing going on, but none of that compares to being able to swallow a pizza whole and maybe drinking a tub of butter. I hear that's what opera singers are into these days. Drinking tubs of butter.

Paris Hilton

The Hollywood home shared by celebrity socialites Paris and Nicky Hilton has been burgled, police say, adding that jewellery, watches and a laptop were stolen. [read]

I think that if I was going to rob Paris Hilton, I'd leave all the jewelry and laptops and go straight for the underwear. I'm sure that stuff would go for a lot more than some boring old computer. Can you imagine how much money lonely computer nerds would be willing to pay on eBay for Paris' outfit from her sex video? Actually probably not very much, considering most people aren't really into mantis lingerie.

*update: Turns out Paris Hilton broke into her own house! Well not really, but that would have been funny...in a non-humorous kind of way.

Jessica Simpson

Before you start unzipping your pants, imagining you're the guy on the left, I should probably inform you that that's not the real Jessica Simpson, but a wax figure. I shit you not, my friends. I don't think I've ever been so turned on by a wax figure before in my life. I wonder how much it would cost to get me one of those bad boys. Not that I'd want my very own Jessica Simpson sex doll wax figure, but I'm just, ya know...curious.

Demi Moore

As happy as I am for Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's disgusting relationship, I can't help but feel that Demi is slowly losing her mind. I'm normally for fashion statements that involve revealing as much skin as possible, but a dress that doesn't even try to cover up the bra is kind of pushing it. Then again, Demi probably has the greatest 41 year old body in the world, so maybe I'm just a crazy bastard for complaining. Or maybe you're crazy for wanting to have sex with a 41 year old. You sick pervert.