Wilmer Valderrama

How is it that Wilmer Valderrama keeps landing such big name girlfriends? Not that Lindsay Lohan is anywhere near the top of my list (unless you're talking about my whore list), but Mandy Moore certainly was an impressive and shocking catch. The idea that Fez from That 70's Show could have done the horizontal Salsa with Mandy Moore should give strange foreign men everywhere the hope that it really is possible for them to one day get with an amazingly gorgeous woman that's completely out of their league. Seriously though, Wilmer (what kind of name is Wilmer?) is like the Scott Baio of the modern age, using his questionable nationality to bag as many white women as possible. Looking back though, I'm sure Wilmer realizes that Mandy Moore was the highlight of his life, and that he will never again be with somebody so gorgeous. Ever. The step down from Mandy Moore to Lindsay Lohan is so great that most men would break their necks to even attempt it.

His Conquests Thus Far

Mandy Moore

Lindsay Lohan

Anna Nicole Smith

During the amazing geekfest that was G-Phoria – The Award Show 4 Gamers, Anna Nicole Smith faked a wardrobe malfunction in an attempt at what I can only imagine was humor. Sadly, nobody had the heart to inform her that it was way too late to be making topical Janet Jackson jokes and that she would only end up making a fool of herself. It wouldn't really have mattered though, seeing as how Anna's life revolves around embarrassing herself. And I'm not talking about her crazy drugged up babble on that pathetic excuse for a show, but rather these horribly sad cosplay photos she took for the G-Phoria event. If anime-loving geeks can't pull off dressing up as videogame characters, I doubt an overweight mess of a woman who has no idea what it is she's dressing up as could pull it off either. Really, there are no winners when it comes to cosplay.

View Anna Nicole Smith's Wardrobe Malfunction
View Anna Nicole Smith In Cosplay

The Superficial News

-- Nicolas Cage, who won a best actor Oscar for ``Leaving Las Vegas'' in 1995, wed Korean-American Alice Kim on Friday at a private ceremony on a ranch in Northern California, according to reports. [read]

-- Jennifer Garner loved shooting the lesbian love scenes in her new movie Elektra - despite being nervous. [read]

-- In a surprise choice, Eric Bana is set to become the next James Bond in the historic movie franchise. The news was first published in a British newspaper, and nothing has been confirmed. [read]

-- Pint-sized pop princess Kylie Minogue has reportedly walked out on her lover. [read]

-- California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife, Maria Shriver, have sold three properties in their posh Pacific Palisades residential compound, which is valued at about $18 million, and a fourth parcel is in escrow, the Los Angeles Times reported on Sunday. [read]

Britney Spears

Paris Hilton

Wow, those bruises are a lot worse than I had originally thought. Check out Paris' arms in some of these pictures. You can actually see the marks left by where Nick (allegedly) grabbed her.

Gmail Accounts

Does anybody out there have any Gmail invites they're willing to part with? A friend of ours feels like a complete loser for being the only person on the planet to not have one (and he is), so we're seeing if we can help him out. If we get more invites than we need, we'll give the rest away through some sort of contest or something. So if you've got some spare Gmail invites, send them our way. In return, we'll see if we can get you some underaged transvestite prostitutes from Thailand. We hear you're into that sort of thing.