Mary-Kate Olsen

After much speculation in the tabloids recently that Mary-Kate Olsen has an eating disorder, the teen actress has entered a facility to seek treatment for the problem.

That's what happens when you're fat like Mary-Kate. Maybe if she was thinner like her sister, she would be more popular in school. And uh...she also has small breasts and a big butt. And she's ugly.

...and has a beard. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

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The Olsen Twins 17 <-- Check out her legs. Much too fat!

Britney Spears

Britney Spears, her sister Jamie Lynn and her mom went to a Santa Monica, California, pet store over the weekend to buy a couple of puppies, and as always, the paparazzi followed their every move in full force. But according to one photographer, while Britney's mom was backing out of the parking lot, she hit him with her Toyota Scion.

Why is Britney's mom driving a damn Scion? You'd think with the kind of money Britney makes, she could afford to buy her mom something a little fancier like a Camry or an Accord. Or I dunno...a Ferrari.

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Liv Tyler

Just in from People magazine: Actress Liv Tyler (and Aerosmith lead Steven Tyler's daughter) is expecting a baby. Her publicist confirmed to the magazine that Tyler and her rock singer husband Royston Langdon are overjoyed and look forward to the arrival of their child.

Looks like Liv and Royston have had sex with each other. You heard it here first!

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Britney Spears

Britney Spears is going to take another walk down the aisle, according to a report in the New York Post. Boyfriend Kevin Federline proposed to the pop star and she reportedly accepted.

It wouldn't surprise me if this turns out to be true, considering Britney Spears has finally degraded into the trailer trash from whence she came. She sure was hot back in the day though, before she decided to eat her way to fatsville.

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Christian Slater's Hooker

HOLLYWOOD hunk Christian Slater betrayed his wife with a £300-a-time London vice girl, the News of the World can reveal.

I wish I was a celebrity so that I could afford the £300 prostitutes as well. I mean those $5 skanks I get from Mexico are always so fat and disgusting. I'm not into fat and disgusting. It just turns me the wrong way.

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Jenna Lewis

Looks like even fake celebrities are getting into the sex tape business. Survivor's Jenna Lewis decided to tape her honeymoon in a brilliant move to please men everywhere. I've never watched Survivor and I have no idea who Jenna Lewis is, but as long as she's naked and having sex, I'll pretend to give a rat's ass.

Jenna Lewis vidcaps [thanks Matthew]

*UPDATE: I guess this is the 'official' site for the sex tape. You have to pay for the whole thing, but there's a preview clip available for free.