Apparently Charlie Sheen is Winning

February 28th, 2011 // 137 Comments

When we last left Charlie Sheen he was not only claiming to be clean and sober, but hooked on a drug so powerful “if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body,” The name of that drug? Charlie Sheen. Snort forward to today where he’s given even more entirely sane interviews to RadarOnline and The Today Show that were virtually the equivalent of giving a six-year-old 12 shots of espresso then asking what he wants for Christmas. For brevity and my own sanity’s sake, I’m holding off on the 20/20 interview until it airs tomorrow night, but here are some choice quotes from the other two:

- TODAY -

On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path, because it was written nice. It was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.”

On how special he is:
“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

On his children reading about his exploits:
“Talk about an education. That’s the guy, and he’s our dad, and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning. That’s how you perceive it.”

On suing CBS if they don’t hire him back at $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus:
“They picked a fight with a warlock.”

- RadarOnline -

On his dad comparing his addiction to cancer:
“Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherfuckers who look like me.”

On the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men losing work:
“Well, I feel bad but it’s not my fault so I’m not going to make any apologies.”

On CBS citing his conduct and condition for canceling the show:
“My conduct is bitchin’, my condition is perfect so… I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

On what he’ll do next:
“The five films I’ve been offered in the last like 8 minutes. I could entertain the 14 book deals I’ve got sitting on the table. I’m not going to be sitting around.”

Following his interview with Today, Charlie agreed to a live stream with TMZ this afternoon that resulted in his publicist quitting immediately after it ended. Which is understandable when your client sits in a house full of porn stars, points out his children are in said house and then proceeds to say, “Everyone here is parenting the kids.” (Actual quote.) So on that note, it’s really just a matter of time until we get to see child services chase a man who’s attempting to shoot fire out of his fists. “This always worked on Mars. What gives?”

Photos: WENN

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  1. jimjones

    You misspelled the word “Whining” in your heading for this article.

  2. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Dawn Alex
    Commented on this photo:

    He got something like $1.6 Million per episode of 2 1/2 men.
    I love money but I wouldn’t trade places with him.

  3. Glenn Beck

    there is something about coke that makes people think they are wizards with super awesome magical powers

    ive seen it happen plenty of times and it still cracks me the fuck up

  4. ctimber

    With that face, he doesn’t even need to read for the part of the guy who chose the Cup of Christ poorly in the Last Crusade

  5. Lita

    Somebody should tell him the Edward Scissorhands look is out.

  6. Anya

    Total douchebag, stops doing drugs for a few days and starts claiming he’s clean and drug free, and has cured himself, bla bla bla. No douche you just stopped doing drugs for a few days.

  7. Turd Ferguson

    He really looks nasty in those screen grabs. Yikes.
    Did he have a plastic surgeon give him Madonna’s neck meat?

  8. anonym

    so this fucknut wants $3 million per episode now ??

  9. anonym

    this fucking bitch doesn’t deserve $60 million per year

  10. lils

    He looks like his own father… Don’t do drugs, kids. Ok, do drugs, but don’t mix them with whores… they suck your soul…

  11. He looks like Doc Brown. “If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour… you’re gonna see some serious shit. “

  12. redraxil

    CBS smarten the F*ck up and commission a reality show with john galliano and charlie sheen living together

  13. The bug eyes, the waxy skin, the lizard no-lips: yup, rock star from Mars.

  14. “On his dad comparing his addiction to cancer:
    “Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherfuckers who look like me.”
    ^^^
    This is funny shit, gotta admit.

  15. me

    a practise for fool’s day.

  16. me

    …..he thought about his mother.

  17. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Commented on this photo:

    I chuckled at the description: Charlie One on One. No you don’t get it this is Charlie on Charlie. Charlie interview his mother fucking own self. Charlie run the god damn show here. TODAY show? Mother fucking CHARLIE show. Matt who? This is Charlie Lauer bitch! What did you say to me Tom Cruise? Glib? I’ll tell you who is glib mother fucking Katie don’t call me Joey Holmes!

  18. fur burger

    “My conduct is bitchin’, my condition is perfect”

    That NEEDS to be on a t shirt

  19. I feel bad I can’t find a dealer for this Charlie Sheen drug.

  20. TheAdmiral

    He may have become a complete douche-bag, but my god, he’s become the greatest quote-making machine known to mankind.

  21. browneyedgal

    Father of the year, ladies and gentlemen. He not only fights crime with his mind–he can predict the future. It’s only a matter of time before he starts referring to himself in the third person.

  22. Burt

    Watched the RadarOnline interview…It’s like listening to my schizophrenic cousin.

  23. Clown Sheen

    It’s SpongeBob Square Head. His costume is in the closet.

  24. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Ram Punchington
    Commented on this photo:

    God Dammit!!
    This is all just a PUBLICITY STUNT, everyone knows this, right?

    Hello?

    At least with Heidi and Spencer we could look at her rack, not this old ass junkie, C’mon!!!

    Punchington Out

  25. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    billsy
    Commented on this photo:

    tonight on tales from the crypt

  26. Hellisforsissies

    People keep trying to put Lindsay Lohan and Charlie together but after seeing about 10 seconds of Lady GaGa’s video for “Born This Way”, I personally think that she and Charlie have been injecting each other with Tiger’s and Adonis’ blood, while snorting coke off of teenage boy’s buttcracks! Therefore I believe that they wold make an even better couple than Lindsay and Charlie.
    Next to either of those two, Lindsay actually sounds like a rational individual, which is really stretching things to the limit!

  27. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    slappy magoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Charle E. Sheen

    What, Me Brainfried?

  28. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Commented on this photo:

    I cannot wait for him to write a book about his life. It’ll be like reading freakin’ Shakespeare.

  29. He Looks like SHIT!! WoW This guy need help!

  30. Alex

    He is not looking so good and by that I mean that he is starting to resemble those “Faces of Meth” people, and also Lindsay Lohan. She always has that same glazed over eyes look.

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