Apparently Charlie Sheen is Winning

February 28th, 2011 // 137 Comments

When we last left Charlie Sheen he was not only claiming to be clean and sober, but hooked on a drug so powerful “if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body,” The name of that drug? Charlie Sheen. Snort forward to today where he’s given even more entirely sane interviews to RadarOnline and The Today Show that were virtually the equivalent of giving a six-year-old 12 shots of espresso then asking what he wants for Christmas. For brevity and my own sanity’s sake, I’m holding off on the 20/20 interview until it airs tomorrow night, but here are some choice quotes from the other two:


On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path, because it was written nice. It was written for normal people, people that aren’t special. People that don’t have tiger blood, you know, Adonis DNA.”

On how special he is:
“I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitching, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out; they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain.”

On his children reading about his exploits:
“Talk about an education. That’s the guy, and he’s our dad, and we can get all the answers and the truth? Wow, winning. That’s how you perceive it.”

On suing CBS if they don’t hire him back at $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus:
“They picked a fight with a warlock.”

- RadarOnline -

On his dad comparing his addiction to cancer:
“Okay, Pop walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherfuckers who look like me.”

On the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men losing work:
“Well, I feel bad but it’s not my fault so I’m not going to make any apologies.”

On CBS citing his conduct and condition for canceling the show:
“My conduct is bitchin’, my condition is perfect so… I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

On what he’ll do next:
“The five films I’ve been offered in the last like 8 minutes. I could entertain the 14 book deals I’ve got sitting on the table. I’m not going to be sitting around.”

Following his interview with Today, Charlie agreed to a live stream with TMZ this afternoon that resulted in his publicist quitting immediately after it ended. Which is understandable when your client sits in a house full of porn stars, points out his children are in said house and then proceeds to say, “Everyone here is parenting the kids.” (Actual quote.) So on that note, it’s really just a matter of time until we get to see child services chase a man who’s attempting to shoot fire out of his fists. “This always worked on Mars. What gives?”

Photos: WENN


  1. In this picture he looks like he could be the father of Bat Boy. I’m surprised Weekly World News hasn’t reported on this yet.

  2. Qwerty

    Well slap my left ass check and tell me it’s Monday…

  3. NattyB

    He doesn’t look like he’s on drugs at all. Not in the slightest. Fresh as a daisy right there.

  4. Somewhere right now a methlab marketing genius is cooking up a fresh batch that will be sold under the street name “Charlie Sheen”.

  5. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Commented on this photo:

    poor bastard, he really looks like a junkie now :-(

  6. Cash Moneyman The Third

    I want to party with this guy, HARD! He’s like the god of hedonism. He’s what everyone says they will do if they were rich, but with the balls to actually do it.

    “Awww dude, if I had like a million dollars? I’d tottaly like get a bunch of porn stars to live in a mansion with me and junk. It would be awesome.”

    He’s doing that! He’s doing what your loser stoner friends wish they could do. Charlie Sheen is the man.

    • TSN2

      Aww, someone has a crush. Get a life of your own loser.

      • If I had to choose between your life and Charlie Sheen’s, I would smother you with a pillow and cheer on Charlie as he snorted lines off your corpse.

        Eventually the police would ask why you were dead, and Charlie would say “because I said so bitches!!”, and the cops would apologize and leave.

  7. Punchie

    If “money never sleeps” then you look totally money there Chuckie…

  8. Amanda

    Mel Gibson is looking at Charlie and going, “Whoa! This guy is NUTS!”.

  9. Finally, Xenu has risen from his prison and will rule the Teegeeack!

  10. Please tell me Scientology is his new drug. That would cap this off perfectly.

  11. I want to be Charlie Sheen when I grow up

  12. Holy cow he looks like shit.

  13. Scrungy

    How’s he not dead yet?

  14. Charlie seems less like an addict to me, and more like a person who is honestly sick to death of untalented people telling him how to do his job, or judging the way he lives his life. Keep in mind Charlie hasn’t been getting arrested, hasn’t been overdosing, hasn’t been doing anything except partying and nailing hookers. Our vaginized society wants to pretend that’s a symptom of “hitting rock bottom”, but fuck that…rock bottom isn’t found between a hookers legs, it’s in a gutter.

    Charlie will continue being Charlie…which is to say AWESOME.

    • jumpin_j

      He won’t be awesome until he becomes ME. Yeah Charlie, yo my bitch now.

    • Seriously, ludicrously, wrong on so many levels. He “accidentally” shot Kelly Preston in the arm in ’90, was arrested for assault in ’96 for beating his porn star GF, was tried and got a suspended sentence/probabtion for it, had to go to court-appointed rehab for drug use which violated that probation, had his 2nd wife obtain a restraining order against him and then was arrested for felony menacing, misdemeanor third-degree assault and criminal mischief against his 3rd wife. AWESOMEness? No, not so much. This is not just a case of some guy hurting no one but himself, there are a lot of others involved in his orbit. There’s nothing “vaginized” about it – if you can’t see an addict that’s been out of control for decades, look again. And now that he’s getting older, he needs more drugs, more attention, and physically he’s less able to handle the ride, so it’s just getting uglier and more obvious and the consequences are exponentally greater since more kids and more money is involved.

      He’s been able to pay off a lot of hookers and the hotels he trashes haven’t pressed charges, but this is NOT a case of “untalented people telling him how to do his job or judging the way he lives his life”. Really, he wishes. This is about people who have had the misfortune to either be related to him, married to him, work with him and either hire him – or get hired by him- who finally dare to object to how he treats them when they get in the way of an out-of-control douchebag who thinks a vacuum hose full of blow hooked up to his nose has given him both insight and permission to rule everything in his orbit.

      And only when the money is cut off and he hasn’t got the coin to buy people off, will you see some gutter level rock bottom. I can promise you it won’t be awesome then, either.

      • DogBoy

        Amen. Well put.
        That douchemobile runs on cash, and a ton of it.
        Cut off the flow and people won’t put up with him.

      • the only opinion that matters

        Excellent observations and well constructed sentences that any moron can grasp…you summed it up perfectly!

      • You sound like a buncha homos

      • TSN2

        Great post. The Charlie fanboys won’t be able to accept it though.

      • vitobonespur

        Wow. That’s exactly what I was going to say! In a nutshell, poor Charlie is as screwy as a pig’s tail!

        He’s crawling down the corridor
        On his hands and knees –
        Old Charlie stole the handle and
        The train won’t stop going –
        No way to slow down.
        –Jethro Tull, “Locomotive Breath”

      • Mark Twain

        “The offspring of riches: Pride, vanity, ostentation, arrogance, tyranny”

        -Mark Twain

      • Aussie Mama

        the chickies he hangs with are no innocents either. they’re in it for the $, drugs, booze, sex n goodtimes themselves. no victims here. hell brooke was in rehab for crack herself. they are all the same, but at least he’s honest.

      • Brooke

        If you don’t think he’s on drugs then clearly you have never lived with someone that is on crystal meth and or cocaine. I have, my dad was on meth and cocaine for years. Let me tell you as a child growing up with an addict for a father, it was horrible. Even from a young age I had to worry about him dying b/c of his heart giving out. When the drugs would wear off he would lay in the bed and kick and scream in his sleep like he was demon possessed. I can tell by looking at Charlie and hearing him talk that he’s on some type of upper, most likely cocaine. This would be sad for his family (mother,father, brother, ect.) even if he didn’t have kids, but he does have kids and trust me this will affect them. My dad is finally off the drugs, has been for 7 or so years, and it took him having to have open heart surgery for him to get off them. The doctors that did his surgery said he wouldn’t live 5 more years, but it’s been 7 now and I’m just so thankful that he is off of them. This is not just something that goes on in Hollywood, this is the problem with so many households today and the reason kids are not being raised right.

    • LJ

      Yes, Charlie has had a great PR guy who was able to clean up the shit that Charlie crapped all over the place.

      He quit today. He’s had enough.

    • Hellisforsissies

      Mc Smelly, oh excuse me, McFeely, you have posted a lot of ridiculous observations and downright bullshit in comments on the Superficial BUT…this is the absolute stupidest bunch of shit you have ever come up with.
      Charlie Sheen is an out of control, petulent child in a man’s body, addicted to drugs, sex and being famous. Without any of that he would simply dry up and blow away into oblivion. He is on a collision course with reality and the resulting impact isn’t going to be pretty or awesome or anything remotely resembling positive for Carlos Estevez, AKA Charlie Sheen.
      The only truly untalented person involved in this whole mess, is and has always been, Carlos, unless you count the ability to make the character, “Charlie Sheen”, he has created to act in place of Carlos Estevez, look more and more like an ass with every word out of his mouth, a talent!

  15. Charlie Sheen has been a privileged, entitled, self-absorbed little shit for his entire life. He got a hit (typo, sorry, I meant to say SHIT) tv series out of doing a character that is basically HIM. And “Joe Lunchpail” America ate it up: women want to fuck him, men wanna fucking be him. What’s wrong here? LOOK at the motherfucker. LISTEN to the motherfucker. This is what America, and American Media, is all about…

    • cc

      What shemp said.

      Also, check out the guy’s face. He’s 45! And that’s with make up. Without it he probably looks like a Galapgos tortoise.

    • Aussie Mama

      he was given that series on a platter, knowing it would make him #1, highest paid on TV, as a pay off, for him to shut his mouth about 9/11. prior to the show he was on everything talking about the massacre the US goverment orchestrated. as soon as the show started, no more 9/11 talk.

      • Yeah, because everyone knows a Hollywood drug addict who somehow got inside information on 9/11 can be trusted to keep his mouth shut once you start paying him off. It never ceases to amaze me how you conspiracy nutcases put this shit together. See, if it were up to me, I would have made sure he had some kind of “accident” so I wouldn’t have to worry about whether he’d shut his mouth or not, and incidentally saved billions on hookers and blow, but then again I’m living in the real world, not Planet Weebo where deals like that are made.

  16. Gack

    What an idiot. Just die already, Chuckles.

  17. Cock Dr

    “walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those motherfuckers who look like me.”

    Charlie obviously hasn’t looked in the mirror while cutting up the coke.

  18. VirtualVice

    Right up there with the Whitney Houston/Barbara Walters interview. Looks like 40 going on 60. Losing!

  19. DOucHe BaGELs

    The Charlie Sheen breafast of champions:
    Sprinkle cocaine on a porn star beaver and dig in!!!
    “it will melt your face!”

  20. your mom

    Charlie Sheen & Lindsay Lohan walk into Columbia…

  21. Lolita

    Next he’ll be growing a beard and tattooing Good Bye! on his fingers…

  22. anonymoose

    w-ow-w. he looks unrecognizable in those screengrabs. he is seriously not in good health. never mind the ravings-of-a-lunatic quotes, he is not looking one bit well. i hope his personal papers are in order. that cadaver is going to drop.

  23. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Commented on this photo:

    Marin is looking old in these photos.

  24. sarah

    I guess SOMEONE angered Jobu. C’mon Charlie, say it with me “F**k you, Jobu, I do it myself.”

  25. chupacabra

    He DOES look like he has cancer. If it wasn’t for KNOWING he was blowing tens of thousands of dollars of cocaine perhaps, hourly, I would say, he is doing an interview from the cancer ward… one of the last, as it’s metathesized and spread to every vital organ and it’s just a matter of time now…
    He’s going to end up dead.

    • Satan's bitch

      Technically speaking, we are ALL going to end up dead.

      But yeah, he sure as hell looks like a walking corpse. I’ve seen people in the cancer ward who looked more life-like. Exactly how many ex-wives, stray children and pounds of coke does it take to completely waste a shit-ton of money, eh Chuckles?

  26. Melody

    This dude is bipolar. His drug is a congenital seratonin imbalance.

    • Deacon Jones

      What if he really wasn’t on drugs this whole past week?

      What if he was in total manic phase this whole time, sober?

      That would be fucked up.

    • zebstriped

      Exactly what I thought – totes looks like someone in a manic high right now.

  27. anon

    “meth-induced cardiac arrest commencing…bonejack will begin in…3….2….1…..”

    (oops, wrong Estevez, sorry…)

  28. Fresca

    No part of the public deserves to comment or make judgments about what he does outside of work. If he wants to spend his ridiculous salary on whores and drugs, then leave that to the authorities. Personally, if I had his income, I would probably be doing the same thing. On his confidence about his innocence, I find it amusing. Sheen 7985, World 0.

    • the only opinion that matters

      When you are in the public eye, and your success is measured by those people watching your show you also expect that your actions will be judged and commented on. If you don’t want that, don’t attempt to become rich and famous. Comes with the territory Fresco. Just the way of the world. If you had his income and would be doing the same thing, so sad to you. What’s the matter, can’t find people to have sex with you for free?

  29. Panda Thunder

    Time for Hotshots 3: Libya – The Crazy Off.

  30. ghost

    The nonsensical ramblings of a whacked out junkie with delusions of grandeur.

  31. Superficial Bitch


  32. sobrietyisacrutch

    I’m still trying to figure out how “tiger blood/ Adonis DNA” came into play. Sounds like an energy drink.
    Gotta admit, for going in cold without notes, the guy gives pure interview gold.

  33. Deacon Jones

    I’m seriously pissed at myself for never having watched an entire episode of “Two and a Half Men”

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      You seriously are not missing a thing. Well, with the exception of an irritatingly catchy theme song.

    • Hellisforsissies

      Charlie Sheen as himself, Jon Cryer as the wimp no one gives a shit about and some kid who is smarter than either ot them…..That’s the synopsis of “Two and a Half Men”,,,,you seriously didn’t miss anything. Charlie acts like an ass, Cryer whimpers and whines about life, same bit he always has done and the kid gets away with shit……oh and Charlie and John’s TV mom is a bitch from hell! Formula sitcom, that’s been done over and pver again……..Watching paint dry is more amusing! Nuff said?

  34. wonder what it takes to get a 5150 in cali, he does seem ripe for an eval. of course he’ll say he’s not on coke, it’s out of your system quickly (other than hair and nails of course, which cops don’t routinely check)

    • Guess again. While the drug itself might stay in your bloodstream for 2-3 days, what labs test for is metabolytes, which is what the body produces when it processes or ingests something. After a single use, coke can be detected because they’ll show up in your urine up to 7 days later. And in a heay and habitual coke user, those metabolytes can be found up to 3 months later. As you get older and your metabolism slows, you also process and rid yourself of it less effectively.

  35. champ

    charlie sheen is a CHAMPION

  36. kimmykimkim

    I mean this in the nicest possible way, mmmkay, but I can’t wait for this dude to die..nicest possible way…

    • TSN2

      He’s now making fun of people with cancer, death would be proper at this point.

      • dramkit

        Sheesh, you’re all over the page with negative comments – is Charlie late with child support or sth?

        I say let it rip, Chuckles. Show us how a celebrity burnout is really done!

  37. Kristen

    Clearly Charlie Sheen is winning… Just the perfect picture of mental and physical health. I for one, am glad to be ‘losing’.

  38. Whoa buddy

    Prosecuting consensual crimes is a waste of tax payer dollars. And if you get involved with this man on any level, that’s survival of the fittest.

  39. Aggie

    I love the gratuitous use of the word “bitchin’”. It’s still 1985 in Charlie’s mind and I’m loving it.

  40. dmbishop

    So, this is Charlie Sheen clean and sober. Well, I say “Send in the Coke and stand back!” The explosion of Tiger blood and Adonis DNA should be visible from space.

  41. Jillian Junk

    Holy shit, Charlie Sheen’s the new Chuck Norris.

    Charlie Sheen once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it

    Charlie Sheen can kill two stones with one coked up hooker.

    Charlie Sheen has two speeds: actually, I think that joke tells itself.

  42. Charlie Sheen Today Show
    Commented on this photo:

    you can just see the drug addled brain behind those crazy eyes.


    Nice job passing your hair & blood tests charlie!

  44. Simosaurus

    Really, I want Charlie back on TV, but not on Two-and-a-Half Men. I want 30 minutes of Charlie every week where a host asks him to describe how he’s more awesome than a historical figure or mythical beast. I can’t wait to hear him talking about kicking the ass of Genghis Khan and how he eats griffon eggs for breakfast.

    • NattyB

      They should do a Charlie vs… Like Shaq vs, only I’m guessing Charlie is willing to do way more INSANE things to prove he’s the best.

  45. ick-abod

    My name is Charlie Sheen I got a license to kill, I think you know what time it is…it’s time to get ill (by freebasing siberian tiger blood)

  46. techman

    Seriously…the guy stars in a TV show about a guy named Charley who lives the same way as Charley does in real life and they’re upset about it? This is the best publicity that show could possibly have after 8 years on the air. Why do you think he plays the role so effortlessly? He’s playing himself!

  47. sssssss

    Of the 8 scripts that Charlie has received in the last 8 minutes, the one he’s going with is The Little House Of Whores.

  48. Brooke

    Martin shits a brick. “I have no son!! But if I did, I would have loved him in Wall Street. “

  49. Grace

    God damn. Cocaine’s a helluva drug, eh?

  50. argleblargle

    I just keep trying to tell myself this is Casey Affleck taking a joke waaaaaay too far. I’m Still Here sucked. No need for a sequel.

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