Anthony’s Weiner: A Tale of Two Dicks

The Superficial / June 7, 2011

For those of you gleefully unaware of politics in general, New York congressman Anthony Weiner essentially admitted in a surprisingly “frank” – *adjusts bowtie* – press conference to sending several women who are “coming” out of the “wood”work – A thank you, thank you. – photos of his penis via e-mail, Twitter, Facebook and pretty much any form of electronic communication that can transmit a dick. (No one go on XBox Live yet.) He also admitted to lying about his Twitter account being hacked and apologized to then-discredited right wing blogger Andrew Breitbart who first broke the story and essentially proved a broken cock is right at least twice a day. I mean, clock. Or did I? These puns are starting to run together.

It’s no secret my politics lean to the left, but this is one of those cases where I stayed completely out of it – Unlike when I ran my mouth during the Arizona shooting. – because while the original harbinger was a man responsible for debunked story after debunked story, this one involved a Democrat with an erection and we all know how well that ends. (Where did I put that Lewinsky dress…) And when Anthony Weiner couldn’t say with “certitude” if the original Twitter photo was his penis or not, only an idiot would give him the benefit of the doubt. And, of course, those idiots were a large portion of the left wing blogosphere, who trotted out the usual defenses instead of going, “Erect penis?! Abandon ship!” Because when has a hard cock ever not caused a problem? (Hint: Never.)

1. “Why aren’t we talking about important topic X or important topic Y?” BECAUSE A PROMINENT POLITICIAN JUST ADMITTED TO EMAILING HIS DICK TO 800 DIFFERENT WOMAN. Not to mention, he just answered the question, “Congressman, how do you know these women weren’t underage?” with “To the best of my knowledge, they weren’t.” Which might as well have been, “Haha! I don’t! Penis photo?” But, seriously, I think we all have a few minutes to look at this and reflect on what a fucking idiot Anthony Weiner is. Otherwise, I’m going to come into your house and start yelling, “Why are you eating instead of talking about the debt ceiling?!” I’ll do it.

2. This was a distraction perpetrated to sabotage the Clarence Thomas Recusal Campaign. Probably. But you know whose fault that was? The guy e-mailing dick pictures. Maybe if he wanted this case to go smoothly, he should’ve looked at his penis, and then his cellphone, and decided they shouldn’t hang out until this is done. Afterwards? Go nuts. *bah-dum-CHING*

3. What he does in his private life is his own business? Unless he’s a Republican. C’mon, that’s a bullshit argument. The man holds a public office and just spent a week lying to everybody about Brett Favre-ing his face off for the past three years. I’m not saying all public officials should be choir boys, but when they get caught sending dick photos to anything with a vagina that follows them on Twitter, it’s news. That’s reality, and also the level of deprivation that keeps a roof over my head, so if you could keep it down?

4. This just gave Andrew Breitbart credibility. It does, if you don’t do your job after this. I’m pretty sure he’s going to get “cocky” – *brushes off shoulders* – after this, so you’ll have plenty of time to discredit him all over again. But like I’ve said before, blame Congressman CockPhoto who, even with a basic grasp of statistics, had to realize he’d send his penis to a woman with a Republican friend. Which is exactly what happened.

Full Disclosure: I was originally going to write a post about Sarah Palin’s butchering of Paul Revere and her followers trying to edit Wikipedia to reflect her version, but this happened, and like a nomad, I go where the penis jokes are. So, look, left wing, your guy pulled a boner and, right wing, your guy pulled a boner. I’m not expecting that to mean anything or cause a deep moment of reflection on how both parties are a mixed bag of dumb, I honestly just wanted to wanted to make another penis pun.

Tally Ho!

Photos: Splash News