Anna Nicole Smith definitely died of something


Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy was performed this morning and the police held a press conference saying there was no evidence that her death was a crime. The medical examiner said no pills were found in her stomach, although the final determination of the cause of death will take another three to five weeks. He did rule out any physical injury, such as blunt force trauma, gunshot wounds, or asphyxia (meaning she didn’t suffocate to death on her own vomit), and said the death could only be attributed to natural or chemical causes.

Also, a search of Anna Nicole’s hotel room showed no illegal drugs, although prescription medicines were found in the name of Howard K. Stern, and included Valium, methadone (part of the deadly combination that killed her son), antibiotics, and other over-the-counter drugs including cold and flu medicines.

So there you have it. The mystery of Anna Nicole Smith’s death is finally solved. And by solved I mean it’s even more confusing now than when we started. Halfway through the police investigation they’re gonna discover a giant rubber chicken suit and it’s gonna somehow play a vital role in all this. And then a man with one glass eye will step forward and throw the entire case off the trail.