Anna Faris And Chris Pratt Split Because Everything Is A Lie

“You’re sleeping on the couch again tonight if you point out one more photographer with a good mustache, Chris.”
“Oh, that one has a goatee-“
“I hate you.”

Chris Pratt and Anna Faris’ relationship has long been a good-natured superlative of Hollywood’s power couples. They had it all – good looks, respectfully successful careers, and a 4-year-old boy who reminds me of the Jerry Maguire kid. Looking back now, it seems like the signs were there… remember Anna Faris’ live streaming of the Guardians of the Galaxy 2 premiere? Chris Pratt looked pretty pissed that whole time and we all laughed because they watch each other poop (out of love) and thought it was cute. Then there’s this awkward acceptance speech at the Walk of Fame that was colder than a Lockheed Martin board meeting.

As of this writing there is little beyond a copy/pasted statement on the stars’ respective social media pages. Anna’s was simply a screenshot of an outgoing text message, which leads me to deduce that she penned the announcement for Chris Pratt to later post on his Facebook.

Now all we can do is wonder…

Was it because Chris Pratt has morphed from a lovable doughboy into blockbuster vagina slayer? Do Anna Faris’ farts smell like old asparagus? Did he get grossed out when he realized Anna Faris is K-mart Goldie Hawn? We may never know… not every Hollywood split can have one of those “I swear to God, Angie – I’ll drive that fuel truck right up your ass if you tell me to take it easy with the booze again!” moment… That would make my job too easy.