Aniston to Oprah: “Shazam. It don’t matter.”

Aniston_Alive.jpgNot happy with the journalistic handjob she got from her Vanity Fair cover story, Jennifer Aniston appeared on Oprah yesterday to make it clear that if we don’t support her, she will wander the world for all eternity, during which time the Earth’s soil shall be barren, and will bring forth no grain she appreciates our uncoerced love and encouragement throughout these difficult times. Among other things, she spoke to Oprah about how she’s finally found the strength to–

Screw it. Jennifer Aniston is not dead. That’s the gist of it.