Aniston to Oprah: “Shazam. It don’t matter.”

September 20th, 2005 // 83 Comments

Aniston_Alive.jpgNot happy with the journalistic handjob she got from her Vanity Fair cover story, Jennifer Aniston appeared on Oprah yesterday to make it clear that if we don’t support her, she will wander the world for all eternity, during which time the Earth’s soil shall be barren, and will bring forth no grain she appreciates our uncoerced love and encouragement throughout these difficult times. Among other things, she spoke to Oprah about how she’s finally found the strength to–

Screw it. Jennifer Aniston is not dead. That’s the gist of it.


  1. jon

    It would be a shame if she were dead. That would mean George McFly wouldn’t get laid (lets face it, it was a surprise he ever did) and Marty McFly wouldn’t be able to take part in his time traveling adventures with hillarious consequences.

  2. Jon

    Well, I’m happy she’s not dead.

  3. Meekins

    Thankfully Jennifer Aniston stands up for women everywhere and shows that we can move on! Meanwhile, Brad Pitt settles for James H. Voight’s sloppy seconds. Gross! I can’t wait for a 2-year update on this one!

  4. Obsessa

    Biggest waste of my time. She was totally faking it. You could tell Oprah was coaxing her along, “it’s alright, you’re doing just fine…” one big pity party. Wouldn’t mention HIS name. She needs to just take her own advice and move on herself.

  5. celeb_hater

    This idiot actress is doing a good job of ruining her career. She’d be better off focusing on making movies than talking about her personal life. People are sick of hearing about how dysfunctional actors are.

  6. giromide

    I wish I could care. I really do.

  7. Sociopath

    I knew I was gonna hate it as soon as the three giant Jennifer Anistons parted and she walked out. I mean, COME ON.

  8. Kangascoop

    I care. I do. Jennifer you hear me? I have a shoulder you can cry on and a hand to hold. And then we can make it like old times and chat over a bottle of wine when what we are really supposed to be doing is helping Monica with her wedding invitations. And then, with the camcorder on, we can make wild alcohol induced love and I can get you pregnant and Joey can then fall in love with you…but in the end, you will be mine in a contrived meaningless ending to our stories.

  9. Tommy Cruise

    Jennie, the best way to overcome your sadness and show “that guy” you are so over him, is to do a low-budget indie film featuring a graphic sex scene between you and the handsome co-star. You’ll probably win an Oscar for it, since they only give Oscars to women who get naked on-screen. Just give me a call when you’re ready, and I’ll have some brand new mini-DV tapes ready to go for the camcorder.

  10. Darby

    It’s Brads loss. Can anyone stay satisfied in Hollywood? I don’t think so. But now he’s playing DAD to HER kids. Only a matter of time before he changes his mind about that too.

  11. dolphin4711

    I don’t like her style at all. Instead of being quiet about it and deal with it on her own, she has to go public “that poor little women which got dumped by her husband”. Get real…It always takes two to tango!!!.

  12. Kaye

    “Shazam. It don’t matter.”


  13. Candy

    Poor Jen. Poor Jen she gets dumped and then gets ragged on about it because she looks like a german sheppard.

  14. hollyflowers999

    ‘WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I’ve got $150 Million Friends dollars in the bank, personal trainers, Zone meal deliveries, and I need to find a date!!’ She’s got all the pre-requisites of the next portal for K-Fed’s quest to populate the planet with his spawn. Britney’s out of commission for a few days, Jen should give him a buzz.

  15. carrie bradshaw

    i’d rather hear about jennifer aniston’s “I’m moving on” chats with the public than to have to ever, ever hear again about britney and her demon seed spawn or tom and KATE’s “fantastic” and “amazing” relationship and their “huge” wedding plans. Vomit.

  16. Debra

    I couldn’t agree more with Obsessa and dolphin4711: not a fan of Nicole Kidman, but at least when the chick said “It’s private I’m not going to talk about my divorce” she kept it private and didn’t talk about her divorce. Instead of Miss I-Deserve-Privacy-But-Only-After-I-Beat-You-Over-The-Head-With-My-Side. I’d be happy to stay out of your ex-marriage Ms. A … but how can I when you won’t quit telling me about it?

  17. sweet as sugar

    She looked so damn skinny that you could blow her over–yoga, my ass. And she looked on the verge of tears the whole time–very FRAGILE. I mean her husband was stolen from her by a man-eater and no one really blames Brad for being captured by the hottest woman on the planet. No one really believed that she is OK. Here’s some Kleenex, Jen. And some food.

  18. mac2048

    ^^^ agreed. Nicole Kidman is a class act in my opinion. Whether Brad cheated on Jenn will never actually be known to the public. And of course, everyone’s side will be spin-doctored to fit them.

    Brad and Angelina are obviously happy and moving on with life. Jenn should do the same.

    Time to move on, Jenn; it’s over and he’s not coming back… and he’s not impressed with your new-found “strength.” I’m sure he could care less about what you’re doing, considering he’s travelling the globe making sweet love to the sexiest women in showbiz.

  19. Mermaid

    Give me a break, how many times has Jennifer told us that she is over him? Seems to me that she thinks her life is a sitcom and is on reruns. Nobody but you cares about your divorce. Shut up already, Jen! She needs to get over herself and get a nose job. No wonder Brad left this self absorbed walking hairdo.

  20. “Nicole Kidman is a class act in my opinion.”

    I know. But it’s easy to get over a dude known as a world class inverted nelly, whose every post-Nicole “romance” was about as convincing as his opnions on psychiatry. Unless, of course, he’s caught swapping tongue meat with Keanu Reeves at a Liza Minelli concert. Then, you know, it’s all good.

  21. mac2048

    Point take, rick mcginnis.

    Now excuse me while I stab the vision of Tom and Keanu snogging out of my eyes.


  22. hautecouture18

    Jolie is hot… I dont blame Brad. Aniston has this way of speaking that just makes me want to scratch out my eyes. She always has that Rachel voice that drives me insane. Plus she is ugly. Sorry Jen ur not pretty… And ur annoying… And ur movies suck… And ur not Angelina.

  23. Roxy

    Why is it that everyone is so quick to get on Jen for talking about whats going on in her life but you people tune in to comment about her talking about it. If people arent into hearing celebrity gossip etc…. then im thinking your in the wrong place. A break-up is a hard thing to go through let alone publicly. And then to have ur ex hook up with some chapped-lipped sheman that isnt doing anything but trying to clean up her image after being with billy bob and showing she had a few screws loose. I’d be talkin too! If celebs want to talk about it….. then let ‘em do their thing. Dont get on these people for talking about their lives…. u log on here to read about it. If they weren’t talking, u wouldnt have anything to b**** about huh? or a website to visit huh?

  24. PinkRose

    Um..who is anyone..I mean ANYONE.. to say how Jennifer Aniston should or should not “handle” her break up with Brad?

    To those who were bashing Jen: I know this website is called “Superficial” but come on. Get real. Divorce is divorce and it sucks. I’ve never been through a divorce but a lot of close of friends of mine of have and each one dealt with it in their own way. IMO..I think Jen has handled it pretty damn good; a lot better than I would handle it.

    As for Nicole Kidman and how she handled her divorce from Tom: Please. Nicole signed a confidentiality agreement around the time of the divorce from Tom, which is why she never talks about the divorce or about Tom. She simply can’t do it. That explains her “class act” behavior during the divorce. I’m sure if she hadn’t done any of that, she would of been on Oprah’s couch, drinking wine, throwing herself “one big pity party”.

  25. mac2048

    Roxy, no one said we’re not into celebrity gossip. The majority of people here are simply saying that Jenn is acting pathetic and needs to get over the fact that Brad found someone prettier to have sex with.

    She’s the one blabbing on and on about how she’s suddenly wonder woman. Think what you will about Angelina, but we’ve yet to hear her discuss her personal relationship with Brad.

  26. Someone just shoot her. Please.

  27. Roxy

    I cant stand the fact that people think they have any right to talk about another persons hardships. I think its funny u think that Angelina is hotter then Jen but the dudes always like the slutter chicks. Angelina looks like the type of woman to take u home, rip off ur clothes and then when outta no where a crazy ass alien pops outta her snatch to eat ur face. This is besides the point…. no one has any right to say how someone should handle a divorce… is PinkRose the only other sane one in here? I mean come on!

  28. hautecouture18

    hahahaha aliens popping out! hahahaha! hey I still love her! Angelina u sexy lil thing. Who cares if anyone is a whore. I think that makes someone more interesting. I wish I had the guts to be a slut. How the hell do u think most of the women in hollywood get where they are??? Everyone in hollywood is fake and they all sell themselves its part of the game. They want us to judge and we always will. Thats why we love it so much. Angelina if u read this u can have a better time with me then with brad!

  29. Rezz

    So Brad Pitt left her for another chick… big deal. That kind of crap happens everyday. The fact that they’re both famous just makes it seem worse but it’s like who cares. Jenn will get over it the same way most people get over broken hearts, she’ll screw damn near every guy in her path until she’s ready to be in a relationship. So if you any of you guys see her, throw your game at her. She might just be self loathing enough to jump on you.

  30. Roxy

    Haute… if u like chapped lipped incestuous shemales…… ANGELINA IS UR GIRL!

  31. hautecouture18

    yeah but i still wouldnt do jen.

  32. hautecouture18

    roxy dont get offended bc i have different opinions then u. And yes i like jolie.

  33. Roxy

    no! not offended at all chica! I just think that there would be far less cheating at what no if women stop hookin up with married men. Thats all. Girls need class, ya know?

  34. hautecouture18

    it happens all the time so what if its jen. big f**’in deal. She should GET OVER it. Arent they like already divorced??? Its Hollywood. There is always someone younger prettier and easier than u.Dont hare the playa hate the game ;)

  35. Roxy

    yea yea…. JEN….GRIEVE HOW U WILL….Angelina…. GO DO UR BROTHER

  36. Debra

    “A break-up is a hard thing to go through let alone publicly.” Well she could stop making public any time she wanted to — IF she wanted to. (Of course I’m for gossip … it’s hypocrites that get my goat)

  37. Roxy

    bullSh*t! U try doing something privately when u have photographers and people leaking ur business to the world. There is no privacy in show business…. not when ur an actual star…. A-lister.

  38. hautecouture18

    yup and she is making it public bc poor little rich aniston is so miserable and needs attention and publicity. grow up ur like 40! or 30 something. poppin aliens hahaha roxy you sure are really funny and im not being sarcastic either. Im still have the visual! Hahaha!

  39. LeaFy

    I think it’s hillarious that it’s literally become an “Aniston vs Jolie” situation. How come no one is blaming the self righteous Mr. Pitt? How come society just HAS to turn it into some sort of cat fight? I say Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are at much more fault than either camp is letting on….especially sugar and spice Aniston. I highly doubt that they ever had the “perfect” marriage (not that I even thing such a thing exists)…so whether they go through with their divorce and why shouldn’t really be speculated on until we hear from Pitt, Jolie and Aniston.

    Just my (more than) two cents. :o)

  40. cinnarose

    I don’t think we’ll ever see Angelina on Oprah to tell her side of the story, since Oprah excels in giving whiney women airtime to cry.
    And I don’t blame Brad Pitt at all. If anyone is faced with having an affair with Angelina Jolie, you should get a free pass. Male, female, does not matter.

  41. hautecouture18

    well of course its brads fault too! but come on its angelina! its just more juict that way! and jesus christ i just realized if u click that lizzy grubman picture… DEAR LORD! Have mercy on my soul!

  42. Roxy

    i dislike pitt completely! im so aggitated Angelina has so many supporters. I think its wonderful that she works with other countries etc…. but i hope more then anything she says in one of em and vanishes forever from the entertainment scene. lol… this is so funny…. i think my heart goes out to the girl next door opposed to the home wrecker. lol……. this is way to amusing. lol

  43. hautecouture18

    isnt this website called The Superficial\ Because You’re Ugly??? Only badasses make it.

  44. hollyflowers999

    Not sure what forum some of you think you’re posting on, but this is called THE SUPERFICIAL. Get your ass over to message boards if you want to cry along with Jen and her divorce and Brad Pitt dumping her, and Angelina the man-eating foster mother – isn’t this supposed to be a site to make fun of these rich overindulged fucks??

  45. hautecouture18

    yes yes yes finally someone who understands!

  46. Gophergutz

    First…Jolie is not that hot. She hot, but not “supa-hot”. And Jen is not that bad looking. Chances are, she’s better looking that anyone who’s posted in this forum all week long.
    However, I do think that she would feel a lot better about the whole thing, when it’s all said and done, if she would just hush up about it and find some other, non-primetime, outlet to use as therapy. Oprah? C’mon. Are you serious?

  47. maetl

    i kinda like jen.

  48. Debra

    “bullSh*t! U try doing something privately when u have photographers and people leaking ur business to the world.”

    My bad. The thought behind my sentence was “Well she could stop making it MORE public THAN THE TABLOIDS ALREADY DO any time she wanted to — IF she wanted to.” … and then the whole hypocrite thing that I stand by.

  49. sugarplum

    I didn’t even see it, and I know it was fake. But in all honesty, I don’t find Brad Pitt attractive at all, never did, never have.

    Now, Johnny Depp, that’s the guy you want all the above-average-looking women in the world to have children with to improve the human race.

  50. Debra

    ^^^ further to that point … I routinely avoid booking interviews with Vanity Fair and Oprah. Something tells me even if I were an A-list star, I’d still be able to avoid booking interviews. I have faith in Jennifer’s publicist’s ability to say “Sorry, my client isn’t giving any interviews about her ex-marriage.” And faith that the reason her publicist DOESN’T say that, is because Jennifer pops up over her shoulder and says “Oooh! Vanity Fair? Oprah?! Hell yeah, I’m there!”

Leave A Comment