Angelina Jolie’s uterus is an ATM

March 27th, 2008 // 69 Comments

Having kids is big business in Hollywood these days. Jennifer Lopez nabbed $6 million for exclusive photos of her twin spawns of Skeletor. Barry Levine of the National Enquirer is telling Page Six that Angelina Jolie could score as high as 10 million smackers for pictures of her baby which looks like it’s ready to Tomb Raider it’s way out:

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”
Levine said stars now realize that having a child is “akin to getting a role in a movie.” And the glossies don’t mind paying because they recoup the money over time with magazine sales, Web hits, and by re-selling the photos overseas.

Any lady celebs out there looking to make a quick buck, I’ve got a wiener. I’m just saying.

UPDATE: Major backfire. Within five minutes Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears showed up in my front yard and started duking it out. It’s sort of like that scene in King Kong when Kong fights the T-Rex. Except Rosie is way more hairy, Britney isn’t a sexy thunder lizard and, when it’s all over, I’ll be crying as my pelvis gets turned into a fine powder. Mommy!

Photos: Flynet
superficial

  1. PootyPants

    Earth Mother is not only letting one of the angels ride her scooter in a parking lot, she is behind a gianormous gas-guzzling SUV. I am not understanding how she & her wig-wearing man can be so Green when they drive mega SUVs and fly around the world in private jets. ??

  2. Lee

    @52, BunnyButt

    Ocassionally, yes. I’m just lucky I have my bike so I can catch up to them.

  3. mike

    #51 – a “me too” comment. Very impressive.

  4. alright!

    @55

    Well, I could have expounded upon the fact that you’re a jackass, or perhaps hypothesized on the reasons why you are, but it’s a well-known fact, and I didn’t feel like expending the energy. Maybe next time.

  5. BunnyButt

    54, it happens. My parents once locked me out of the house overnight because they didn’t realize I wasn’t home. Or so they claimed.

  6. Meaghan

    LMAO@this. All that money and that’s the best thing she could come up with to wear? What is she trying to pull off there, the hippy-jesus-raghead-sheek look? Seriously, Angelina Jolie is a fucking pretentious cunt. She thinks it’s okay to wear shit like that because she’s “Angelina Jolie” and some stupid designer made that bed sheet of a dress. I’ll bet she paid like 5 grand for that outfit. I could go to Wal-Mart and buy some fabric and make the same ugly piece of shit dress for less than 10 dollars. And who the fuck ever said she was hot to begin with? Anyone remember the movie Hackers? hahahaha…

  7. mike

    #56 – wow that was even more derivative. When you get uppity you sound like you’re trying (unsuccessfully) to write like a seen-everything sophisticate. A little sad, but amusing in its own way.

  8. lh

    @58
    I remember watching Hackers and thinking that she looked like a big lipped Romulan. I also remember wondering how she managed to fit her big square head into that motorcycle helmet. At no point did I think that she would become the sex symbol of all time.

  9. lh

    @58
    I remember watching Hackers and thinking that she looked like a big lipped Romulan. I also remember wondering how she managed to fit her big square head into that motorcycle helmet. At no point did I think that she would become the sex symbol of all time.

  10. arligt

    numb 53, PootyPants;

    Tss, you’re clearly not up with the latest shit. Let me explain it in easy english what sort of greenish business Angie is up to;

    Trough her mega-lotioned, babyass-wannabe skin Angelina the Babypopper soaks up aaaall of the toxic shit in the air, and it all gets stored in those two beanbags above her belly.

    You following?

    Then, when her little baby-monsters have grown up and are setting their goals for ruining our existence with “The Jolie Team Band” (the Pitt-Jolie youngster touring worldwide, guaranteed self-destruction for everyone who deares to listen to their jolly tunes), her by then 4th husband (most likely Aaron “Meth” Carter) will gently twist her nipples, and her boob-bombs will explode.

    And all humanity will die in an pleasentish, psycadellic gas-mass-murder. Oh yes, she will save our poor souls from the nurdy lives we all proudly possesses. For we Superficial-droolers won’t move our buts from the comp-chair until then, so don’t worry; we will all have just as dorkish lives then as we have now.

    And that, you see, is some bad-ass futur planing.

  11. Meaghan

    #61, I was shocked to see someone actually agreed with me on that. How refreshing to run into someone on here that is actually observant, besides the author for this website. Also, doesn’t it seem as if her tits were like 10 cup sizes smaller back then? She’s a total troll, and she has always been a troll. The proof is in the fact that she’s been around WAY longer then before her main stream media day. Angelina Jolie = product of multiple plastic surgeries. Look at the pictures from when she was a kid and shit, or even her earlier movies, before she was considered an “a” list actress or whatever the fuck. And even with her cosmetic altercations, I still am not the least awed by her face. Every time I see her I just think back on Hackers and remember, this person is actually fugly.

  12. Meaghan

    #61, I was shocked to see someone actually agreed with me on that. How refreshing to run into someone on here that is actually observant, besides the author for this website. Also, doesn’t it seem as if her tits were like 10 cup sizes smaller back then? She’s a total troll, and she has always been a troll. The proof is in the fact that she’s been around WAY longer then before her main stream media day. Angelina Jolie = product of multiple plastic surgeries. Look at the pictures from when she was a kid and shit, or even her earlier movies, before she was considered an “a” list actress or whatever the fuck. And even with her cosmetic altercations, I still am not the least awed by her face. Every time I see her I just think back on Hackers and remember, this person is actually fugly.

  13. funyy

    skeletor lmfao oh man that was to funny

  14. edamame

    She, Brad and the kids are in Smithville, Texas (the town whose only claim to fame used to be “The town where Hope Floats was shot”. It’s a podunk town not too far from Austin (which is where I am…and it totally ROCKS!).
    Anyway, the local yokels are now snappin’ pics of Angie and the kids as they go about their business around town.

    Isn’t that nice of them? Look, you stupid motherfuckers, get back to Wal-Mart and buy some damn condoms…so you don’t procreate and make even more assholes. I’ll bet those people selling pics of Angie are spending the money on
    ribs, beer and WWE tickets.

  15. kayle

    Why anyone would pay that much money for baby photos .. i dont know but at least the money they’re going to earn goes towards a good cause!

  16. Twinkle

    This blog is not really fair. As we all know, Brangelina donated all the profits from Shiloh’s first photo shoot to charity. They’ll probally do it again. Not like more recent parents. *cough, JLO* who pocket the money. I’m not a crazy Brangelina fan. But, I do believe in keeping the news fair.

  17. Juaqin Ingles

    Hmm… These days it seems like 5’3″ 165lbs. is pretty much par for the course. So I guess you could say it’s normal. Completely disgusting, but normal.

  18. Somuchsoap

    sigh… If only angelina jolie had an ass the size of a zeplin, beach ball bags of silicone in each breast, and thighs that looked like a knudsen product, then meaghan would be saying this woman is the hottest thing on the planet.

  19. Yawn, capitalism at its best. If that’s what people will pay for a pic then that’s its price. It says nothing of its value, unless you equate money with value.

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