Angelina Jolie’s uterus is an ATM

March 27th, 2008 // 69 Comments

Having kids is big business in Hollywood these days. Jennifer Lopez nabbed $6 million for exclusive photos of her twin spawns of Skeletor. Barry Levine of the National Enquirer is telling Page Six that Angelina Jolie could score as high as 10 million smackers for pictures of her baby which looks like it’s ready to Tomb Raider it’s way out:

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”
Levine said stars now realize that having a child is “akin to getting a role in a movie.” And the glossies don’t mind paying because they recoup the money over time with magazine sales, Web hits, and by re-selling the photos overseas.

Any lady celebs out there looking to make a quick buck, I’ve got a wiener. I’m just saying.

UPDATE: Major backfire. Within five minutes Rosie O’Donnell and Britney Spears showed up in my front yard and started duking it out. It’s sort of like that scene in King Kong when Kong fights the T-Rex. Except Rosie is way more hairy, Britney isn’t a sexy thunder lizard and, when it’s all over, I’ll be crying as my pelvis gets turned into a fine powder. Mommy!

Photos: Flynet

  1. mike

    FIRST you slimy BITCHES!!!!

  2. mike

    Wait BACON you BITCHES

  3. holby

    Dear Mike,

    Re: ‘First’

    Please get a life.

    Your sincerely,


  4. BunnyButt

    Almost BACON you sweaty HOGS!!!

  5. BunnyButt

    Almost BACON you sweaty HOGS!!!

  6. Ugh

    I hate how some celebrities try to make it out like they’re too good to just come out with it and say ‘Yeah, I’m pregnant.’ It’s annoying. They act like their offsrping is God’s gift to US.

  7. Sid

    soooooo…this time around, she’s pretending she’s Morticia Addams?

  8. mike

    @3 Why? that would require work.

  9. Beth

    I bet she developed varicose veins on her legs during her pregnancy.

  10. Meaghan

    Angie is nice but the way the dress hugs her is not so fine.

    maybe its because she had that chinky baby a few years ago? i dont know how that happned, probably artificial insemination from an asian man.

    she should stay with brad anyway, i would LOL!

  11. Grover

    Off Topic:

    Guys, I’m not against you making a buck, really. But video ads that pop up when you accidently run your mouse over inline text and then don’t go away until you manually close them is pretty absurdly obnoxious.

  12. holby

    @ Grover (11)

    Im running Firefox and get no vids. Do you have a pop-up blocker installed?

  13. mike

    @10 Meaghan, are we going to dinner tonight?

  14. Dave

    I’d like to make a deposit please.

  15. lipper

    For some strange reason, I have the undeniable urge to sing loudly, “She’s a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater.”

    Can’t quite figure it out.

  16. Auntie Kryst

    Why is earth mother allowing her child to play in a parking lot?

  17. I am confussed. Her and Brad have more money than god and I am sure they have an estate that covers several acres. Why is this dumb shit letting her kid play in the street next to a contruction site??

  18. It’s ok guys, it’s wearing a helmet..

  19. BunnyButt

    Whew, good thing, Frist! When a Hummer plows into that kid at 45 mph, that helmet will keep her safe!

  20. BunnyButt

    Besides, adopted kids are disposable, aren’t they? You can always get another if you lose one…

  21. aloisius crumble

    What is this fascination with celebrity culture that we foster? Why are you here reading about useless fucks ? Why am I? Theres *real* heroes out there, but you wont find them in the pages of a glossy magazine. Theyre patrolling the cities in uniforms, theyre putting out fires, theyre operating on dying people.

    Why am i even here on this site?

  22. Lee

    It looks like they just pulled over on a random road for some good old fashioned biking time. I know my family pulls over to bike on the highway too!

  23. Well Bunnybutt, they have so many kids I’m sure a couple are disposable..

  24. Ha! Bunnybutt, we think alike!! (I wasn’t copying you, I hadn’t refreshed and saw that before I said that)

  25. The Laughing God

    Since they do have more money than G-d. Maybe they pulled over and had the city section off the road so they could ride around… just saying.

  26. #22 I don’t know why you are here. I know why I am here, though. I’m addicted..


    I should really be working..

  27. mike

    Q. How are Angelina Jolie’s uterus and FRIST’s favorite sex act alike?

    A. They’re both an ATM.

  28. veggi

    To quote Sambo….. Mike —-> fork —-> done

    You aren’t remotely funny, ya assclown.

  29. rosa parx

    I showed my recent school pic to my BF who said that Ive developed some ‘arm Jelly’. WTF is that? Then he laffed. Not very nice, i said. If he is saying im fat then say it. Look I weigh 163 and am 5 ft. 3′. To me that is normal.

    He didnt even comment on my bunny tank top in the photo :-(

  30. Heronimus

    “Theyre patrolling the cities in uniforms, theyre putting out fires, theyre operating on dying people.”

    Yeah, they’re patrolling to pick up their protection payoffs…putting out fires to get the kickbacks from insurance scammers…and botching operations because they have high-priced lawyers (including in congress) to make sure it’s difficult to ever make them pay for malpractice.

    Yup. Heroes.

  31. alex

    31, at 163, you are about 30 pounds overweight for your height. you are most definitely fat, sorry!

  32. @34 Dude, Rosa is a troll just trying to get someone to say shit like you did. If you ignore it, it will go away..

  33. aloisius crumble

    @ 33. Heronimus -

    I knew someone would reply like that, but im sure you catch my general idea.

  34. Randal

    Angelina is the Goddess of Light. Ethereal and a natural mother.. to the world! We all should be so lucky to call her “mummy”. Her three sweet adoptees have been saved from an unsavory fate, indeed. How the world needs more Angelinas.

    I pray that her current pregnancy (oh, goodness – twins! SO excited…) goes without glitch and am looking forward to gazing upon her soon-to-be littlest ones.


  35. Randal Parx

    Much like the lovely Angelina Jolie, my BF is looking really sharp these days. Well groomed, dressed, and sporting a spunky can-do attitude that this world really needs. Keep it up, you’re dynamite. Except but wen he laffs at my weight I get a little upset. Should I be upset??? ;-) I will continue with the orel sex.

    “You got my Randal in your Rosa. Your Randal is in my Rosa.” Two, two great trolls tastes that taste great together…

  36. rosa parx

    what is a “Trowel”??

    Angie Jowlie is a TRAMP. Why do so many guys idolise her?


  37. Alright!


    You are unsanctified rodent twat!

    Love Always,

    The World

  38. "It's a BEAUT, Clark... a beaut..."

    Her zoobies are outstanding.

  39. alright!

    Rosa Parx must be Randal’s sister/girlfriend.

  40. kitty_kat

    It would be kinda dumb for a magazine to pay that much money for pics of Brad and Angelina’s kid(s). No one really makes that big of a fuss about Brangelina anymore.

  41. Vince Lombardi

    Wow, quality photos. Perhaps the pap who shot this could clean his bodily fluids off the lens before trying to press the button. Buddy, it’s called “autofocus” for a reason.

  42. Clem

    No way! Are you kidding me? A woman…having a child? Seriously – how many times has this happened before?

    Oh, 50 billion.

  43. mike

    #30 veggi – you seem extra yeasty today. I know your girlfriend like you in that super slutty lingerie, but the poly and clear plastic is not good for you.

  44. sidv

    I refuse to believe that J-Lo got paid 6 million. Jolie’s uterus may be an ATM, but J-Lo’s is more of a piggy bank.

  45. arligt

    numb 22;

    Oh, why oh why are you here? Maybe because you’re just as off as the rest of us superfish-droolers?

    So don’t you try to insult us, you poohead; we all know where you live dammit.

  46. PunkA

    Tell me something that I didn’t already know? Angelina’s vagina has been worth its weight in gold for years. It snared Brad Pitt, Jonny Lee Miller and Mr Woodcock. Not it is spitting out money. Cash money.

  47. Kate

    Didn’t she donate the money from Shiloh’s pictures to some charity?

    I mean, seriously, does anyone really NEED that much money? And for having a kid? Likening that to PLAYING A ROLE IN A MOVIE??!!

    Excuse me while I go vomit. And then shoot myself in the face. Fuck Hollywood.

  48. alright!


    veggi was right about you.

    Your grammar sucks, too.

  49. BunnyButt

    As they say, Frist, great minds think alike.

    23, Lee, does your family ever drive away and leave you there?

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