Angelina Jolie’s kids get new names

January 19th, 2006 // 42 Comments

jolie-kid-name-change.jpgA judge has granted a request by Angelina Jolie to change the names of her two adopted children to Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt, to reflect that Brad Pitt is to become their adopted father. Plus she felt that their names weren’t already unwieldy enough, and needed those extra syllables to really pull the whole thing together. It’s a shame she didn’t have the guts to really go for it and throw on even more syllables though. Maybe work in the word “hippopotamus” somewhere.



  1. HollyJ

    Is that a photo of her with her girlfriend?

  2. SuperSpence

    The real issue is whether or not these adopted children will receive any attention at all once the genetically flawless Jolie-Pitt original joins the human race — I mean, masters the human race — in a few short months. I have a bad feeling that the two adopted children will look so inferior to the perfection that is the melding of Jolie and Pitt DNA that they will be quickly relegated to living under the kitchen sink, where they will attempt to scratch a living from table scraps and leaky pipes.

  3. Doesn’t any of this story involve peeing? That’s what I came for…

  4. Cricket

    Notice that both kids’ first and second names are 6 letters each? Each kid is 66. Wonder if the next one will be 66, too, and if it’ll get the Jolie-Pitt last name?

  5. eas

    Maddox’s original name was Maddox Chivan Thornton Jolie….and didn’t Billy Bob legally adopt him? How many last names/failed relationships with father figures will these kids have?

  6. Captain Awesome

    Even without the retarded last names, these kids are doomed.

  7. The most ironic thing ever would be if the “Jolie-Pitt” hybird turned out to look like sasquatch. I’m sure there’s corrective surgery for that though.

  8. Larry

    Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt. Maddox Chivan Jolie-Pitt. It would have been more humane of Angelina to simply put them in a canvas sack and throw them in the river.

  9. kylieer

    This is just going to make things more complicated when they break up in 6 months….geeeez….

  10. Can you imagine what a spoiled little pain in the ass that Maddox is? I just can’t see Jolie taking time out of her busy, trying to make people forget what a freak I am by doing good works, day to dicipline the little rug rat.

  11. HughJorganthethird

    Do u think Brad “the rocket scientist” Pitt realizes what adopting a child actually means? It means when Angelina has dumped his ass for some other dude or chick, which is inevitably going to happen, he will be legally responsible for them until they reach 18. No walking away from them like so many Aniston’s. How stupid is this all going to look in a year when this site is full of headlines about the new coupling of Jolie and ,say, Steven Hawking? (Johawk?). Poor fucking kids.

  12. Starla

    Goody for them. I am looking forward to the day that we don’t have to hear about them constantly. And would it hurt her to smile? She has that same pukey expression on her face every time I see a picture of her.

  13. Larry

    “How many last names/failed relationships with father figures will these kids have?”

    Oh, eas, we don’t want to get into that kind of complex math.

  14. Larry

    “And would it hurt her to smile?”

    Well, there’s something to be said for a pout, or a snarl, on a nice-looking chick.

    I actually am rather obsessed with the snotty “More Cowbell” T-shirt chick on this website’s ad, despite her huge snout. There’s something eminently boinkable about a chick with a snarl.

  15. Thin & Wicked

    What the hell is a Chivan? Can you smoke it?

  16. Oh wow,those names are a mouthful!

  17. letitbe

    Didn’t she hook up w/ Colin Farrell, when they were filming that bad movie Alexander.
    They were all (Maddox,Colin,& Angelina)walking along the beach like one big happy family? The only diffrence between Brad and Colin is Brad was stupid enough to fall for the two faced homewrecker. If Brad didn’t fall for her holyness I am sure she would have found the next co-actor to fall for her sh*t.

  18. gossipwhore

    lololol @ the first comment.

    he does bear a striking resemblance to jenny shimuzu :P

  19. Queen LaQueefah

    I have grown to loathe these two. Way to make it look like you don’t really want the attention, fuckin’ attention whores.

  20. kw

    OK well I will be the lone supporter here I guess. It actually shocks and turns my stomach that people think they will love the adopted children any less just because they are having there own. I grew up in a very similar situation and my baby brother, born from my parents, was loved and adored by all of us. But there was no less love for my sister and I and its just ignorant of people to think such a thing, especially about a parents that very much wanted to adopt the children they have in the first place.

    I also think its beautiful, and a wonderful commitment to the children, Jolie, and the new family they are building together that Pitt wants to legally adopt the kids. Any woman on this site knows damn well they would be completely thrilled if their man agreed to adopt her children, whether from a previous marriage or adopted if the biological father was not in the picture.

    I know this is a let’s thrash them site, but people you are being ridiculous. And its so stupid to me all the she’s a whore, homewrecker, fuck that do-gooder, I mean please, together they are doing more good in this past year that probably most of the people on this site combined will in their lifetime. So whatever.

    I hope they are happy and successful. If they fail, oh well, they are only human!

  21. HollyJ

    Does she EVER put Maddox down? I mean…what is she doing? Using him to cover a hip cyst?

    He’s like her parasitic twin. I wonder if she holds him while she and Brad are bumping uglies.

    They should just call this “The Angelina Show” because every single photo taken in the last 6 months is of HER doing what SHE wants to do with her manwhore and two stuck to her ilke ticks on a dog.

  22. firecat

    Hey!…If she converts to Catholicism she can actually add a couple of names to each kid. For example:
    Zahara Marley Mary Quintana Pitt-Jolie or
    Maddox Chivan Joseph Alonzo Thorton-Pitt-Jolie

  23. MandySmurf

    She’s probably tired of having them. They’re like pets to her. I’m sure when her adopted kids get older, they’ll write a book about what a bitch Angelina was to them. Maybe a “Mommie Dearest” type movie. Instead of a wire hangers incident, the actor playing Angelina would throw hair product everywhere screaming “NO MORE BLUE FAUXHAWKS!”

  24. mrschickee

    Bad Joke Alert:

    They can stick with the whole Hollyweird name thing and just name the baby Peach, or Avocado.

    Let it sink in folks. That’s the good stuff.

  25. hafaball

    well…if you ever wanted to read what the worst names ever were, they’re right there. I’d really rather have my name be Apple

  26. MonkeyWithTOES

    I hear ya kw (#20) but as you said this is a trash-em site. I don’t even think the insults are serious half the time…just funny. None of us know what the celebs are really like, or what their real motives are. I just hope they have the good sense not to read the posts about themselves is all I can say! Stay loose.

  27. Jeremy1Esq

    If they split up, who gets custody of the hyphen?

    Brad Pitt is a complete moron.

  28. Jeremy1Esq

    If they split up, who gets custody of the hyphen?

    Brad Pitt is a complete moron.

  29. Jeremy1Esq

    If they split up, who gets custody of the hyphen?

    Brad Pitt is a complete moron.

  30. Could you imagine when Jolie’s baby arrives it looked like a puerto rican or some chinese dude impregnated her? Now that would be real news. Brad Pitt would faint.

    But he’d accept it seeing how in hollywood’s eyes, he has one of the top 3 sexiest women. Thats what we call pussy whipped!

  31. Walkergirl

    Well did you guys know Pitt in Swedish is slang for penis.

  32. AmberDextrose

    Didn’t she and Billy-Bawb split up over her wanting to adopt Maddox?

    Not that I believe anything I read. Unless it’s outrageous enough to be amusing.

    There’s been talk of him adopting her kids since, when? Before she actually had two? When they’d been humping like baboons for about 10 minutes and Jen was still wearing her wedding ring?

    I think they’re scarey people. Perhaps they’ll turn to Scientology next and then get their baby to mate with the cushion up Katie Holmes’ jumper to make some new 3rd-gen Hollywood Uber-baby.

  33. PapaHotNuts

    Maybe they will adopt enough foreign kids to start their own sweat shop. Then the kids can sew designer blue jeans for Pitt-Jolie’s biological child, because once the Golden Child is birthed, Maddox and Zahara will be nothing more than little 18 hour-a-day laborers. So cute.

  34. Femmefatale

    Why is everyone assuming that Brad ADOPTED these kids? This could just be a legal name change. Plus, none of the papers have his signature on them which is how you KNOW these aren’t adoption papers.

  35. Larry

    “Hey!…If she converts to Catholicism she can actually add a couple of names to each kid.”

    Yeah, you’ve got to convert to catholicism, because WASPS certainly don’t give their children lots of superfluous names.

    Larry James Allen Smith-Smythe-Collingswood

  36. God is our creator and he has created a beautiful lady with a loving heart and look, and who are you (all those retards with stupid comments) to judge her and hurt her and the children like this

  37. lowkeysmokey

    Viv, you’re all worked up over some humorous comments pointed at a freak who CHOSE a life in the public eye. And she’s not doing good in the world, she’s following her PR handlers advice. This is a gal (or so we’re innocently led to believe) that has made out with her brother on camera shortly before hooking up with K-Fed’s idol BB and accessorizing with his BLOOD! She’s not showing up at church every Sunday to ask for forgiveness for coveting and collecting another woman’s husband. She’s a sinner, and I believe we are all doing the best we can to support her by pointing out her flaws. Can I get a butt-lip? Hallelujah!

  38. Femmefatale

    Why is it Angelina’s fault that Brad dumped Jennifer Aniston like “it aint no thing”? Thats all on him!

    But I do think Angelina Jolie is insane, frightful, a horrid actress, and I do not think she is good looking, I dont see it

  39. zena marie

    kw #20 you ought to give back whatever the Pitt/Joile publicist paid you to inject that post, ’cause it was about as convincing as Richard Nixon saying “I am not a crook” (there’s a blast from the past).

    Really, they could just be honest and rename the kids Maddox Chivan IwaspartofPittsMidlifeCrisis and Zahara Marley IwaspartofPittsMidlifeCrisis.

    And fifteen years from now when Brad nails Zahara like Woody did with one of his and Mia’s adoptees, Zahara can just remove the other parts of her last name and leave the Pitt.

  40. Cheyenne_1

    Agreed! #38… i don’t think she this uber-beauty with super DNA that her fans gush about.
    She is striking on first glance, in a “Wow! Who’s that?” kind of way… but that’s because her features are cartoonish and most of us got drilled with cartoon images of busty females when we were wee lads.

    AJ shows the difference between “beautiful” and “photogenic”, and she’s the latter.

    Pitt might have made a smart career move,(shitty personal choice) since his career was going down and his flop in Troy just kind of put a neon arrow pointing at that. As much as some people hate him now, he’s changed his skin like a snake and has a chance at reviving his flaccid career.

  41. Femmefatale

    I agree with you on both accounts!

    1) You mentioned Jolie’s features were “cartoonish” and I think this is a great way to describe her.
    . I realized that she has enormous features ie eyes,lips,face,etc…I then realized that TORI SPELLING has these same features and everyone calls her ugly. I do not find Jolie to be more attractive than Tori Spelling at all. In fact, I think Tori Spelling is better looking.

    I’m not a huge jennifer aniston fan, but I do feel sorry for her bc Im betting she did NOT see this coming. Pitt’s not the greatest actor, and in Mr and Mrs Smith you could cut the sexual tension with a knife…my first reaction to that movie was that they really wanted to jump eachother bc neither can ACT that well

  42. urgh, why didn’t she just name them Maddog and Zoinga?

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