Angelina Jolie’s brother wants your soul

November 6th, 2007 // 115 Comments
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Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?

[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]

James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.

Brad: Huh? What did you just say?

James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.

Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?

James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.

Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–

James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!

Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.

James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.

Photos: Getty Images, Bauer-Griffin.com
superficial

  1. korina_jebediah

    neee i know whats going on here.
    angelina didnt have sex with billy bob thorton
    it was james.

  2. ellybell

    #40 jimbo – i’m honesly not sure. my name is ellie and then i saw a picture of a bell. that’s literally the reason i typed that name.

  3. PunkA

    BEST.FISH.POST.EVER.

    Can’t be topped. Ought to just retire now.

  4. Becky

    JOE! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who noticed the obvious powder around his nostrils. No wonder he looks like someone just stuck a finger in his ass.

  5. edamame

    Anybody else notice that James and Brad are dressed exactly alike?! What if she catches a buzz and makes out with the wrong one? Er, wait….been there, done the bro!

    Fucking Garanimals for adults, or what?

    And damn, I love me some Brad Pitt! I’ll bet everything about him is delicious, including his soul.

  6. Is this sucker a cocaine or speed-addict? Or is it he wants just to look clever and damn awake like his sister. I think he will be an IDOL of the FAGGOTS after these pictures!! They all dream of angelina lips around their DICKS!!

  7. LL

    If the networks decide to hire scab writers, I think The Superficial is a lock. That shit’s funnier than anything that’s been on SNL in a decade (except for Dick in a Box, of course, that’s a classic, which someone in Hollywood will probably ruin by trying to turn it into a movie).

  8. AmeriCanadian

    Loved the “script” bwahahah.

    Nobody said “incest is best!” yet…oh well, I just did. ;)

    Her fuggin bro scares me…what’s with the dinner plate eyeball routine? Did he sit on a dildo?

  9. Skip Smith

    #47

    If you think the writing sucks, show us what good writing looks like. Write your own caption for this thread.

  10. edamame

    Um, lardo (#47)…what the fuck are you doing here, then?

    Not only do I love the Fish’s writing, but the other people who comment here
    crack me the hell up! Witty and hilarious! Keep it up, folks!

  11. like sister like brother.both like gold fish.

  12. AmeriCanadian

    @ ????: Don’t insult goldfish! (Freak and her bro look more like a big mouth Bass hahaha)

    edamame (or however the fuck ya spell it) I agree! Helps me kill time at work, eh? Keep up the good work, people.

  13. lo

    haha. comedy gold.

  14. Hahaha… he has DSLs.

  15. AmeriCanadian

    Ok, I must be getting old…wtf is “DSLs” besides a funny way of saying “DSL” AKA a High Speed Internerd Connection???

  16. L

    Tell me again why every woman is attracted to Brad Pitt? Middle aged man wearing a grandad hat…

  17. Nicole

    he’s totally blown out!!! you can see it on his nose!!!! get a kleenex for God’s sake.

  18. Anna

    It’s good 2 see Angelina in a different colour then black. This women hardly wears anything elese then black. Good step in chainging your style.

  19. lamb

    #70
    cuz He was hot back in the day
    same as guys still wack off to Brit in her old days .. ‘the school uniform ”the sweatynaked dance video….(You Know i’m right)

  20. bev

    funny funny fish.

    making love in a canoe! hahaaaa!

  21. endoftheshityear

    make the site like this, include marginally-known-due-to-celebrity-incest walking freak-shows with an entire thread dedicated, we all remember that incident like it happened yesterday, plus the writing was top-notch this time, encore!

    nobody needs to know nearly as much about spears or her ilk as all these sites make it seem, in fact reading her ocuntuary soon wouldn’t be bad at all

    so now that i finally know what Angie’s first crush looks like,
    (way too) close up, thanks to this thread, i wonder aloud:

    what would their child have looked like,
    if Angelina hadn’t aborted it in its 2nd trimester…?

  22. hefferovic

    has nobody noticed the freaky Jennifer ANISTON hiding and spying on the couple on the 14th picture????

  23. yukadoozer

    That’s just a gay-face, that’s all.

  24. Kam harbet

    I thought I was seeing things in photo #14 & #15. That looks eerily like Jennifer Anniston behind Brad with a shocked look on her face. I’m glad to know im not the only one that noticed that!

  25. Feckless

    Superfish you Rule. STELLAR post. If there is a God, James Haven and Brad will read that.

  26. lc

    That was the funniest commentary! Thanks. Makes me feel much better after having read about kids getting high with sewage (supposedly) on Perez’s site. Had a hard time drinking my coffee after that one.

  27. she still hot

    i still think she is a hot bratt doll. she dresses really conservative lately. britney should get some ideas from her.
    her brother seems gay. that makes me mind the kiss less.

  28. Sandy

    to the person who wrote the blog…

    i love you.

    I think i laughed until i rupture a spleen… wait.. can that happen? Cause if not then it was my liver.

  29. toonkinstein

    Super Fish….screw the writers strike..YOU’RE HIRED….*pulling out Monopoly game…paying Super Fish with Monopoly Money*…..you wil never starve again!!!

  30. gertie

    whats up with the huge eyes . friggin idiot

  31. J-Sin

    Hahahaha, that shit was hilarious. Best post ever Superfish.

  32. Lola

    Fish—thats f*cken hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  33. CHAYSE CHAYSE CHAYSE

    That scene sounded like it could be on family guy. send that shit in!

  34. Shallo Val

    His eyes look like mine after a night of too much “crills.” (if you know what I mean)

  35. moi

    This is the funniest post ever. You are a genius of some sort.

  36. Bored at work

    PLEASE stop treating the faceless, nameless relatives of D-List celebrities like their famous. Like, OMG—There’s the former college room-mate of kathy Griffen, what has she been up to? NOBODY CARES!!!

  37. nobody

    this fan fic was transporting to say the least

  38. Jeanne

    remember that weird book from the 1970s — roses in the attic — where a brother and sister were locked in an attic by their grandmother and ended up in a incestuous relationship (among other horrors)…that is totally Angelina and her brother (who will spend his whole life only being known as Angelina’s brother)

  39. George

    He´s a male Her………

  40. sharpeidude

    #23 – I think you mean “cock munger”? Anyway, the son of a bitch is a weirdo fuck that should be impaled with a javelin.

  41. john in denver

    girl…u got gay face.

  42. toh

    hes so hot youre just jealous superfish. youre ugly hes hot

  43. toh

    perfect nose, perfect jaw, perfect chin, perfect lips, perfect eyes, perfect face!

  44. bob

    After seeing him, Brad probably freaks out when he’s fucking Angelina face-to-face.
    Angelina’s gross anyway. She has vaguely negroid features.

  45. HappyYummy

    lol, he looks just like Andre from Project Runway S2

  46. DJP

    OMFG, He looks more like Jeff Dunham’s – Achmed The Dead Terrorist.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

  47. Steph

    Dude, proves my point all along!! Angelina MANjolie… she has always looked like a man and now we know that it is the truth, because her and her brother look IDENTICAL!!!!

    ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. And you wonder why so many women are attracted to Angelina… haha manface!!!! (and not much of a body either to be frank)

  48. toocutequinn

    I met her a few years back and, believe it or not, she has his eyes. They both have the same face, only she’s a girl. I never got over how much she looked like ET. I then realized how much she squints in photos. But … wow … seriously, they look identical when she’s not aware of the photographers.

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