Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?
[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]
James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.
Brad: Huh? What did you just say?
James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.
Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?
James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.
Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–
James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!
Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.
James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.