Angelina Jolie’s brother wants your soul

November 6th, 2007 // 115 Comments

Angelina Jolie’s brother James Haven attended the premiere of Beowulf last night in Los Angeles. Honest to God, they should’ve gotten this guy to play the Joker because he has the freakiest goddamn face I have ever seen. Can you imagine what it’s like for Brad Pitt when this dude comes over for dinner?

[Scene: The Pitt-Jolie dining room table. Angelina is tending to the children, while Brad and James sit and eat.]

James: Brad, I bet your soul tastes delicious.

Brad: Huh? What did you just say?

James: Oh, nothing. Just the peas are delicious. Like your soul.

Brad: Did you just, no, did you just say my soul is delicious?

James: Angie, dear, this dinner is simply wonderful. Almost as good as that time we made love in a canoe.

Brad: Gets up. You motherfu–

James: Jumps to his feet. Oh, Lord, yes! Pretend I’m Edward Norton in Fight Club and I just bought a tea cozy from Ikea! Oooh, I’m a naughty, naughty consumer of goods. Punish me before I get a Discover card!

Brad: Shakes his head. Why do I agree to these dinners? The sex isn’t that good.

James: Maybe it’d be if you were related! Zing! God, aren’t I to die for? No, but, seriously, Brad let’s be friends. Now, take off your pants and give me a hug.

Photos: Getty Images,

  1. justifiable

    Fucking funny, Fish, but if you don’t know the difference between “pees” and “peas” I’m never gonna eat dinner at YOUR house!

  2. Skip Smith

    Awesome commentary by the Fish.

  3. D. Richards (Hands)

    Jesus. That is horrible looking. Angelina, and brother should be carted off to hell immediately. They’re the same fucking person.

  4. veggi

    Angie’s mom is spinning in her grave. And saying “James, sweetie, remember not to get any semen in Angie’s eyes.”

  5. Jessica

    Dude, spit or swallow, but quit making that face.

  6. PiTT

    Isn’t that Jennifer Aniston stalking the lovely couple in pic#14 ?

  7. RENEE Z...

    That picture is probably enough to make any man no longer be attracted to Angelina Jolie…its basically Angelina with a cap on and no makeup…oh yeah, and homosexual. They’re not twins? For real? Well at least now we can see that Angelina obviously doesn’t get lip injections…unless her brother does too. Its creepy, it really is. I wonder if they share Brad?

  8. That whole fuckin family is scary lookin. A bunch of freaks!!! And you that’s the truth because,

    This message was brought to you by Sinus Buster. The capsaicin pepper nasal spray.

  9. Fricking funny

    Your commentary was hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh today!

  10. shanipie

    LOL He scares the Shit out of me

  11. #10

    I think it is! Good observation! She looks quite devastated, too.

  12. I’m thinking James was the fluffer in Angie’s early “scenes” with Jon.

  13. Soy

    if You’re male, yep literaly

  14. Mark

    Dude, you are a genius!! That was hilrious!!!

  15. Viggio

    Angie: Dad, can I have $20?
    Jon: Sure, but you’ll have to give me a blow job first.
    Angie: Ok…I guess…(begins)…HEY! Your dick tastes like shit!
    Jon: Well, your brother wanted to borrow $50.

  16. Why is this post even here? What is the point?

    @16 fuck you troll

  17. AuntiPam

    Thank the Lord Angie stared plucking them eyebrows
    & had the nose job

  18. Anyone find it eerie they look so much like eachother

  19. Guy

    He looks like a cock mongeler

  20. #20 Jimbo, there is no point. It’s just kinda funny. Kinda like Sinus Buster. The capsaicin pepper nasal spray.


    . . .FAGGYDaddyBraddy”

  22. ellybell

    i want jimbo and frist to get married. (which of course would end with the ceremonial light spraying of the capsaicin pepper nasal spray over each other). you up for it?
    i’m surprised superfish hasn’t said he can spurt the capsaicin pepper nasal spray out of his penis without wincing. it’s nothing compared to the lasers.

  23. Guy

    I don’t know, maybe if he squinted all the time he wouldn’t look so bad.

  24. El-Coyote

    Home run on this one fish…. First time you have cracked me up in a while…

  25. lamb

    Brad such a shame
    .. whats with the makeup (i.e.pic14)
    & you’re so girly since You hooked up with this angelina trannsvestite,
    … more &more like kidmans Ex whatshisface

  26. Clem

    “I’m thooper! Thankth tho much for asthking!”

  27. ellybell

    #30 cute? you sure? having pepper spray misted all around your eyes? cos..OUCH
    or cute that superfish might be able to spray it out of his super penis? that’s how you get the girls you know.

  28. theShizaan

    Cocaine is one hell of a drug!

  29. I … want … your SOUL
    I … will eat… your SOUL!
    Come To Daddy…

  30. pissy skank

    Creepy– girl behind them looks just like Jen Aniston.

  31. #32 Eh, I’ve had worse…

  32. starscanfrighten

    Not another one of these overrated narcissistic douchebags. When will they just go away?

  33. Duh

    This is what incest looks like.

  34. guess who

    Angelina is quite attractive. She is not pretty, but BEAUTIFUL! I mean it.
    And you all know very well that you lie when you say she is ugly.

    May the good Lord bless you and your family, Angelina.

  35. What is an ellybell?

  36. scooby

    this is the best this whore has looked in ages because she’s covering all of her boney ass body.

  37. TomCruise

    What a good looking man.

  38. Joe

    I like that the cocaine is plainly visible around his nostrils.


    HILARIOUS FISH!! Now these are classic comments.

  40. Donkey Ass

    I wear his blood in a vial around my penis ring


    I think they look just alike. The eyes, lips, smile…..siblings I guess they should look alike huh.

  42. lardo

    This was some of the worst writing i’ve ever seen. It’s like the dialogue a 6th grader comes up with when he’s just messing around. Jesus christ, the fact that you people think the writing on this site is good anymore is insane. This site blows.

  43. harper

    Angelina’s camel coat is classic with the CL chestnut shoes. She looks lovely, when usually to me she looks a low IQ goldfish staring out of the fish bowl.

  44. jacknasty

    well Shilo should thank the lord she is female. Seriously, compare Angie and her mom to her dad and brother….the women have a monopoly on attractive in that family

  45. Eye-Dish Lass

    The bloom is off the rose of their relationship. It is just sooooooo obvious. And to #10, PiTT – claaaaaaaaaaaassic!!

  46. greenmeatattack

    He looks just like Angie. Damn, they could be twins but they actually aren’t. I saw him host ‘Talk Soup’ on E! years ago and he was funny and cute.

  47. Ript1&0

    Awww Fish, you’re so funny today!! Yay!! :)

    Is it just me, or is this guy totally freaking hottt?? I’m serious. Is he gay? I want to make out with him. Look at the eyes.. you know that won’t be a boring conversation. He’s got crazy face.

  48. korina_jebediah

    if it wasnt for that memorable time when this two make out in the red carpet-i mean, kiss each other in a healthy, traditional way like brothers and sisters are suppoused to, i would say they are the same person.and hermaprhodite.

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