Angelina Jolie gains weight in the most awesome way


Sometimes it’s nice to hear about celebrities doing something awesome. It gets kind of tiring hearing about the custody battles, drug addictions and whatnot. So here’s Angelina Jolie doing what I can only describe as some sort of miracle. Page Six reports:

Her emaciated stomach nearly ruined In Touch’s plans for this week’s cover: “Is Angelina Jolie pregnant?” To protect its story, the glossy bought exclusive rights to the shots of her taut torso “so no other weeklies could run them,” said an insider. In Touch claims Jolie gained 10 pounds in her chest, but conveniently cropped the photo above her flat stomach. “When Angelina showed up looking so skinny, they bought the photos,” our source said. The mag says, “The most striking area of Angelina’s weight gain is in her chest.”

How in the hell do you gain 10 pounds in your chest? That’s incredible. Seriously, Wonder Woman couldn’t even do that. No matter how many times I told her it would help me pay attention to her more. What? She tied me up with her Golden Lasso! That thing makes you tell the truth and, well, I like boobs. When a magical rope controls my speech, don’t be surprised if I say, “Hey, those could be bigger.” That’s just cause and effect, baby.